It's amazing how every day is so different. One day I'll think I'm finally getting it together and everything will be running smoothly and the next day I'll feel like I'm on my way to going crazy because things are so overwhelming. Thankfully though, the better days are starting to outweigh the more difficult ones.
Both boys are enrolled in a program called Birth to Three where they are receiving interventions and therapies for the different areas they are delayed in. It's a wonderful program and we are learning so much through it. Jack has physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, and a structured developmental play group that he attends twice a week. Sometimes I think the information we receive is more helpful to us than to Jack. For example, we're learning all sorts of things to do to help him with his fine motor skills. Play-Do is a great tool to help him with the lack of muscle tone in his hands, so despite my dislike for Play-Do because of its horrible mess, we've gotten him Play-Do.:) Jack's progress is slow, but he is progressing and we're all learning a lot.
Hank has physical therapy and a teacher who works with him on his expressive communication and social interaction. She was assigned to work with him because of how withdrawn he was and because of how little he smiled, laughed, or played. He is doing phenomenal in those ares now and has almost met all of his goals. He used to just solemnly stare at me when I would try to play Peek a Boo with him or interact with him another way, but now he is much more engaged and is always smiling. The other day he was holding his pointer finger out and I touched it with my finger and made a "bzzz" sound. He actually laughed and then kept reaching out to touch my finger so I would do it again. I know that sounds like nothing spectacular, but that was the first time I felt he was actually playing with me and I was ecstatic.
We all long for the day when, God willing, Justin will have a somewhat normal schedule. The past few weeks he has been gone from about 12:30pm-11:30pm three days a week followed by a shift where he's gone from about 8am or 9am to 6pm or 7pm. Those four days are very long days for us all. He still does so much for the boys when he's able to. He gets up with them, plays with them, takes them to their appointments, and whatever else he can to spend time with them and help me.
Among the biggest news is that we were recently told that the boys could most likely be adopted within two months. This was much faster than we were expecting and obviously very exciting. Since we first had them we've seen them as our sons, but to several others they're still our "foster kids" and it will be so nice when that is no longer an issue.
Justin and I were talking awhile ago about how we went from the hardest thing we ever dealt with to the hardest thing we ever dealt with. Meaning, not having kids to having kids. Infertility was an incredibly devastating process (I might write more about it another time) and very difficult to deal with. Then we got two kids and that process has now been the most difficult thing we've gone through. It's funny how God works, but His grace, peace, presence, and help has been there all along and once again His faithfulness is proving true every day. There were several nights where I felt like I needed to remind God that He wasn't supposed to give me more than I could handle (although the Bible never actually says ever that), but He is showing me, and maybe for the first time I'm seeing, what it truly means to be able to do all things through Him alone who gives me strength. It's sometimes very difficult, but also very cool, how God uses situations to bring the Bible and His Gospel to life. God has not only shown His love to us by giving us these two little boys, but more so in all the ways He is there to help us love, care and provide for them.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Jack, Jesus, and Me
Jack is an adorable little boy. He is very cute, he is funny, and he is full of so many different expressions. He is also very testy and at times very frustrating to say the least.
Jack came to us as a 1 1/2 year old. Although this is very young, he was still old enough to have a broken past where he had picked up a lot of bad habits and difficult behaviors. There are times when he can be the sweetest little boy and then times when he throws an all out screeching fit in the middle of the grocery store. There are times when he follows directions right away, and then times when he just stares at me and ignores the simplest request. I know most of you parents out there are thinking, "yeah, my kid did that too when he/she was two." However, the difficult thing with Jack is that when he came to us he did not have the desire (or maybe the capability) to bond with us. He did not want to be held for any length of time, he did not want to be rocked (unless it was an excuse to get out of his crib), and he tested a majority of what we did or asked. This made for a difficult beginning. Then add the fact that Justin and I were brand new parents not having any idea what we were doing or what we should be expecting.
We knew that kids would be difficult and that kids don't always do what they're supposed to do- after all, they're just kids. But, we couldn't have anticipated the feelings that would rise within us when a child who had moved in a few short weeks ago was chucking food back at us that we had just placed in front of him or was purposely knocking something over that we just asked him not to touch.
We loved him and knew God had brought him to us, but there were times when it was difficult to "like" him. Finally one day God opened my eyes to something. We were having a good day together. Jack was behaving, wasn't throwing any fits, we were having a fun time playing together, and I was enjoying being around him. I was "liking" him. Then something happened and he went nuts and threw a fit. And just like that my feelings towards him changed. I feel horrible for saying that, but I'm wanting to be honest during this whole process and it helps to make the point.
I remember the exact thought that went through my head was, "when he is good it is so easy to love him, but when he acts this way it is so difficult." That's immediately when another thought entered my mind. I am the exact same way with Jesus, yet His love is always unconditional. This showed me two things; the problem isn't Jack - it's me, and also how amazingly loving of a God I have.
Jack is an almost 2 year old little boy who has been in foster care his whole life and has gone from home to home and person to person. I can't imagine or ever know the thoughts, confusion, or fears that go through his head. He has obvious reason to be testy and to have unpredictable behavior. While we do need to raise him with guidance and discipline, we also need to offer grace. My frustrations with Jack aren't all his fault, they are also there because I am selfish and a sinner. I desperately need Jesus to be my example and Savior. I need Him to chip away at my sin and replace it with more of Himself. I need His help in every step of being a parent and in no way can do it on my own.
While I was getting angry over the behavior of a 2 year old and feeling as though I had been wronged by his disobedience (I know, ridiculous, right?) I thought of how my behavior and disobedience looks before a holy and sinless God. While Jack would purposely do what I just asked him not to do, I thought of all the times I have purposely done or not done what I knew God was instructing otherwise. While I was not understanding how Jack would be acting a certain way when we were just trying to give him a loving home, I thought of all the ways I acted towards my God who gave His life plus so much more for me.
Then, I thought of His love. How exceedingly and abundantly loving of a God do I have who loves so unconditionally. The fact that a child's disobedience could affect my feelings so much, but that my sin in no way changes Jesus's love for me showed me how little I can possibly comprehend His love. Jesus loves me, not because I first loved Him or even because I rightly love Him, but because He loves me. He laid aside His glory, laid down His life, and sacrificed so much more than I can ever understand-- all out of unconditional love. He did not give it or pursue me based off of what I could give him or my behavior towards him. I know I cannot be like Jesus (He's God, I'm a sinner) but I can pray that His love would grow in me and continue to change me. I pray that He would continue to make me so aware of His love that I can't help but love others the way He desires me to. I pray that His love would transform me into being the parent He wants me to be and the be the parent that Jack and Hank deserve. I pray that I would continue to live in awe when I think of God's unmeasurable love and that one day our boys would do the same.
Jack came to us as a 1 1/2 year old. Although this is very young, he was still old enough to have a broken past where he had picked up a lot of bad habits and difficult behaviors. There are times when he can be the sweetest little boy and then times when he throws an all out screeching fit in the middle of the grocery store. There are times when he follows directions right away, and then times when he just stares at me and ignores the simplest request. I know most of you parents out there are thinking, "yeah, my kid did that too when he/she was two." However, the difficult thing with Jack is that when he came to us he did not have the desire (or maybe the capability) to bond with us. He did not want to be held for any length of time, he did not want to be rocked (unless it was an excuse to get out of his crib), and he tested a majority of what we did or asked. This made for a difficult beginning. Then add the fact that Justin and I were brand new parents not having any idea what we were doing or what we should be expecting.
We knew that kids would be difficult and that kids don't always do what they're supposed to do- after all, they're just kids. But, we couldn't have anticipated the feelings that would rise within us when a child who had moved in a few short weeks ago was chucking food back at us that we had just placed in front of him or was purposely knocking something over that we just asked him not to touch.
We loved him and knew God had brought him to us, but there were times when it was difficult to "like" him. Finally one day God opened my eyes to something. We were having a good day together. Jack was behaving, wasn't throwing any fits, we were having a fun time playing together, and I was enjoying being around him. I was "liking" him. Then something happened and he went nuts and threw a fit. And just like that my feelings towards him changed. I feel horrible for saying that, but I'm wanting to be honest during this whole process and it helps to make the point.
I remember the exact thought that went through my head was, "when he is good it is so easy to love him, but when he acts this way it is so difficult." That's immediately when another thought entered my mind. I am the exact same way with Jesus, yet His love is always unconditional. This showed me two things; the problem isn't Jack - it's me, and also how amazingly loving of a God I have.
Jack is an almost 2 year old little boy who has been in foster care his whole life and has gone from home to home and person to person. I can't imagine or ever know the thoughts, confusion, or fears that go through his head. He has obvious reason to be testy and to have unpredictable behavior. While we do need to raise him with guidance and discipline, we also need to offer grace. My frustrations with Jack aren't all his fault, they are also there because I am selfish and a sinner. I desperately need Jesus to be my example and Savior. I need Him to chip away at my sin and replace it with more of Himself. I need His help in every step of being a parent and in no way can do it on my own.
While I was getting angry over the behavior of a 2 year old and feeling as though I had been wronged by his disobedience (I know, ridiculous, right?) I thought of how my behavior and disobedience looks before a holy and sinless God. While Jack would purposely do what I just asked him not to do, I thought of all the times I have purposely done or not done what I knew God was instructing otherwise. While I was not understanding how Jack would be acting a certain way when we were just trying to give him a loving home, I thought of all the ways I acted towards my God who gave His life plus so much more for me.
Then, I thought of His love. How exceedingly and abundantly loving of a God do I have who loves so unconditionally. The fact that a child's disobedience could affect my feelings so much, but that my sin in no way changes Jesus's love for me showed me how little I can possibly comprehend His love. Jesus loves me, not because I first loved Him or even because I rightly love Him, but because He loves me. He laid aside His glory, laid down His life, and sacrificed so much more than I can ever understand-- all out of unconditional love. He did not give it or pursue me based off of what I could give him or my behavior towards him. I know I cannot be like Jesus (He's God, I'm a sinner) but I can pray that His love would grow in me and continue to change me. I pray that He would continue to make me so aware of His love that I can't help but love others the way He desires me to. I pray that His love would transform me into being the parent He wants me to be and the be the parent that Jack and Hank deserve. I pray that I would continue to live in awe when I think of God's unmeasurable love and that one day our boys would do the same.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Medical Professionals are Smart, but Sometimes Moms are Smarter
Hank had a CT scan done today on his skull. The poor guy has a rather large Charlie Brown head and one doctor had some concerns about the shape of it in certain areas so wanted to do a scan to be sure that everything was growing as it should.
We were told he would be sedated for this, so that's what we prepared for. However, upon our arrival the nurse asked if it was close to his nap time. I told her that he most likely was tired and she said that in that case we should just try to get him to sleep and have him sleep through the CT scan instead of being sedated. While I am in favor of not using drugs whenever possible, I also know Hank. He has difficulty falling asleep, he is unable to self soothe once he is upset, and he is a very very very light sleeper. As I was explaining this, the nurses response was, "uh huh, uh huh..." She said that's how most kids are and they just end up falling asleep anyway. I tried to explain how we don't know the extent of his drug exposure and how that may effect his ability to calm down and soothe himself to sleep and was again answered with "uh huh, uh huh, well kids usually fall asleep after awhile and like the cradle (board with straps) we put them in." I told her I understand wanting to not use sedation if possible, but that his last series of xrays where he was strapped to a board for 20 minutes did not end in him falling asleep, but escalating in screaming. Furthermore, I tried to explain that he is a very light sleeper and that once we moved him or he heard the CT machine he would wake up anyway. Again, answered with "uh huh, uh huh, I think he'll be just fine." SO we tried it her way which ended in Hank being strapped to a board and crying then screaming for about 20 minutes as I tried to rock him to sleep on it. Once he was almost asleep, a poor little boy next door began screaming which startled Hank who then began crying again. The nurse wasn't around so at that point we decided to unstrap him and pick him up.
Finally an anesthesiologist came in and we explained everything to her. She agreed that he should be sedated. Only one adult could go into the CT room so Justin waited and I took Hank across the hall. Once in the room the people in there said that it would only take about 5 minutes and that it was okay if he cried the whole time and that we should not sedate him. I tried to explain everything to them and they also told me how most kids handle it and assured me it would all be fine. So once again they strapped him to the board and the screaming began. I held him down while they did the scan only for them to come out and say that he moved around too much and needed to be sedated. Poor Justin who was across the hall and still thinking they were just going to sedate him right away was hearing Hank's cries and screams and wondering what was going on.
In the end, he survived, but my hope was that he would not have yet another fearful experience that would once again emotionally set him back. I know they deal with all sorts of people every day and a lot of over protective moms, but it was incredibly frustrating and emotional to not be listened to when you know your child and know what he can and cannot handle. In the end I think it was a lot more difficult on us than Hank, and I am thankful for that.
The good news is that everything came back looking good. There are parts of his skull that have fussed too early, but they are not the significant parts that would inhibit his brain from being able to grow. That was what the concern was. The parts that looked like they have fussed or look abnormal are areas where that normally does not happen so they actually weren't too sure what to make of it. Four different surgeons came in at the same time and they all seemed to agree that they would all have different opinions about what that meant. So they want to see him back in 6 months, but for now they are not too worried. We're very happy and thankful that nothing further is needed!
I know this was a long update on today and I'm very tired so a lot may not make sense, but I know a lot of people were praying and I wanted to let you all know how it went. He seemed to be doing well tonight, but please just continue to pray for Hank's heart and mind; that he would be filled with peace and know he is safe with us. He has other tests to come next month and I pray that he would not have a spirit of fear from all this, but would be unshaken by all that because he somehow knows how much he is loved and cared for.
Thank you to all of you who sent encouraging posts and texts and to those of you who prayed for us today and continue to do so.
We were told he would be sedated for this, so that's what we prepared for. However, upon our arrival the nurse asked if it was close to his nap time. I told her that he most likely was tired and she said that in that case we should just try to get him to sleep and have him sleep through the CT scan instead of being sedated. While I am in favor of not using drugs whenever possible, I also know Hank. He has difficulty falling asleep, he is unable to self soothe once he is upset, and he is a very very very light sleeper. As I was explaining this, the nurses response was, "uh huh, uh huh..." She said that's how most kids are and they just end up falling asleep anyway. I tried to explain how we don't know the extent of his drug exposure and how that may effect his ability to calm down and soothe himself to sleep and was again answered with "uh huh, uh huh, well kids usually fall asleep after awhile and like the cradle (board with straps) we put them in." I told her I understand wanting to not use sedation if possible, but that his last series of xrays where he was strapped to a board for 20 minutes did not end in him falling asleep, but escalating in screaming. Furthermore, I tried to explain that he is a very light sleeper and that once we moved him or he heard the CT machine he would wake up anyway. Again, answered with "uh huh, uh huh, I think he'll be just fine." SO we tried it her way which ended in Hank being strapped to a board and crying then screaming for about 20 minutes as I tried to rock him to sleep on it. Once he was almost asleep, a poor little boy next door began screaming which startled Hank who then began crying again. The nurse wasn't around so at that point we decided to unstrap him and pick him up.
Finally an anesthesiologist came in and we explained everything to her. She agreed that he should be sedated. Only one adult could go into the CT room so Justin waited and I took Hank across the hall. Once in the room the people in there said that it would only take about 5 minutes and that it was okay if he cried the whole time and that we should not sedate him. I tried to explain everything to them and they also told me how most kids handle it and assured me it would all be fine. So once again they strapped him to the board and the screaming began. I held him down while they did the scan only for them to come out and say that he moved around too much and needed to be sedated. Poor Justin who was across the hall and still thinking they were just going to sedate him right away was hearing Hank's cries and screams and wondering what was going on.
In the end, he survived, but my hope was that he would not have yet another fearful experience that would once again emotionally set him back. I know they deal with all sorts of people every day and a lot of over protective moms, but it was incredibly frustrating and emotional to not be listened to when you know your child and know what he can and cannot handle. In the end I think it was a lot more difficult on us than Hank, and I am thankful for that.
The good news is that everything came back looking good. There are parts of his skull that have fussed too early, but they are not the significant parts that would inhibit his brain from being able to grow. That was what the concern was. The parts that looked like they have fussed or look abnormal are areas where that normally does not happen so they actually weren't too sure what to make of it. Four different surgeons came in at the same time and they all seemed to agree that they would all have different opinions about what that meant. So they want to see him back in 6 months, but for now they are not too worried. We're very happy and thankful that nothing further is needed!
I know this was a long update on today and I'm very tired so a lot may not make sense, but I know a lot of people were praying and I wanted to let you all know how it went. He seemed to be doing well tonight, but please just continue to pray for Hank's heart and mind; that he would be filled with peace and know he is safe with us. He has other tests to come next month and I pray that he would not have a spirit of fear from all this, but would be unshaken by all that because he somehow knows how much he is loved and cared for.
Thank you to all of you who sent encouraging posts and texts and to those of you who prayed for us today and continue to do so.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Update
Goodness, I'm not even averaging one post a month at this rate. I keep waiting for life to return to a sense of "normalcy"; where the boys will be on a set schedule and I will have a consistent daily routine so I can do things like exercise, blog to keep people updated, cook a decent meal, etc. However, hard as we might try we are still yet to reach that point. Since it has been so long and a lot continues to take place, I'll try to just give a quick update on the boys.
Jack-
Jack is a very passionate little boy. He works very hard at all he does all day and right now he is working very hard on being two. For all you parents out there who have had two year olds you know what I'm talking about, but for us this has been a complete shock. The tantrums, hitting, biting, whining, crying, have been a huge challenge for us. I'm very thankful for the honest Facebook posts I see of people who have toddlers and the things they deal with because it has helped me see that Jack is simply being a toddler and that he's not possessed. Throw on top of it the fact that he is most likely still dealing with a lot in that little head of his, and I guess he's doing pretty good. As far as health goes he does pretty good. He is slowly gaining weight, but is still very small (he's 22 months and 12 month clothing is a little too big). He went from being unable to sleep on his own and crying every night, to falling asleep by himself without any problem, to all of a sudden going back to crying every night. This came out of nowhere and created a pretty miserable experience for all of us every single night. We worked on a new bedtime routine and for the last two weeks or so he has been doing much better in that area (praise God). He still only says a few words (more like sounds) and will be beginning a program where he will have speech and cognitive therapies.
Hank-
Hank continues to come alive more and more all the time. He will be turning one in July, but is capable of doing things that 6 months old do, and not much more. He works so hard every day though. Right now he is trying so hard to crawl and that's all he wants to do all day. He too went through a time of not sleeping that great. For quite a while he would wake up at 2am and stay awake until about 4am- like clockwork every single night. He was also not falling asleep until about 10pm, so needless to say I was not getting much sleep and was on the verge of crazy. He still sometimes wakes up at odd hours, but is doing much better in that area. His health still seems to be an issue though. His reflux went from great to horrible and he began to spit up/ throw up every thing he ate and drank and even began to lose a little weight. He went through some vigorous testing where he screamed and cried as I helplessly watched :(, and so far the tests have come back to show that all his anatomy is good, he just has severe reflux. Most babies who have this outgrow it by the time they are 12 months, but due to his prematurity the doctor said it could be more closer to 15 months. It took awhile to get it set up, but he is finally receiving some therapies. He is enrolled in a program where an educator and physical therapist come to our apartment to work with him every week. The most helpful has been the educator who works with his communication and expressive skills and gives us lots of ideas on things to work on throughout the week.
Areas we need prayer:
Jack-
Jack seems to attach to us a little more as time goes on, but I still don't feel that he understands who we are as "Mom and Dad." Please pray for him in this area. Please pray for our patience with him as well and that we would all find a way to truly bond with each other.
Hank-
One of the ladies who is working with Hank each week mentioned that a lot of foster children she sees who are babies are often shut down emotionally because that is how they were able to deal with all they had gone through. She mentioned that she felt some of that from Hank. When Hank first came to us he resisted eye contact and very rarely smiled. He is doing much better in those areas, but still at times it takes everything we can do to force a little giggle out of him. Please pray that whatever part of him he shut down during those first few months, God will bring life and joy to. Please also pray for his health and for God's peace as he still has several doctor appointments and more tests to come in the following month.
Us-
Finally please pray for me and Justin. That we would be Godly parents and be the mom and dad these boys need and deserve. Also please pray that we would be able to have time with each other to invest in and encourage each other.
Thank you to those of you who have encouraged us through calls, messages, and prayer. It means more than we can say to know that we are being prayed for in this journey.
Jack-
Jack is a very passionate little boy. He works very hard at all he does all day and right now he is working very hard on being two. For all you parents out there who have had two year olds you know what I'm talking about, but for us this has been a complete shock. The tantrums, hitting, biting, whining, crying, have been a huge challenge for us. I'm very thankful for the honest Facebook posts I see of people who have toddlers and the things they deal with because it has helped me see that Jack is simply being a toddler and that he's not possessed. Throw on top of it the fact that he is most likely still dealing with a lot in that little head of his, and I guess he's doing pretty good. As far as health goes he does pretty good. He is slowly gaining weight, but is still very small (he's 22 months and 12 month clothing is a little too big). He went from being unable to sleep on his own and crying every night, to falling asleep by himself without any problem, to all of a sudden going back to crying every night. This came out of nowhere and created a pretty miserable experience for all of us every single night. We worked on a new bedtime routine and for the last two weeks or so he has been doing much better in that area (praise God). He still only says a few words (more like sounds) and will be beginning a program where he will have speech and cognitive therapies.
Hank-
Hank continues to come alive more and more all the time. He will be turning one in July, but is capable of doing things that 6 months old do, and not much more. He works so hard every day though. Right now he is trying so hard to crawl and that's all he wants to do all day. He too went through a time of not sleeping that great. For quite a while he would wake up at 2am and stay awake until about 4am- like clockwork every single night. He was also not falling asleep until about 10pm, so needless to say I was not getting much sleep and was on the verge of crazy. He still sometimes wakes up at odd hours, but is doing much better in that area. His health still seems to be an issue though. His reflux went from great to horrible and he began to spit up/ throw up every thing he ate and drank and even began to lose a little weight. He went through some vigorous testing where he screamed and cried as I helplessly watched :(, and so far the tests have come back to show that all his anatomy is good, he just has severe reflux. Most babies who have this outgrow it by the time they are 12 months, but due to his prematurity the doctor said it could be more closer to 15 months. It took awhile to get it set up, but he is finally receiving some therapies. He is enrolled in a program where an educator and physical therapist come to our apartment to work with him every week. The most helpful has been the educator who works with his communication and expressive skills and gives us lots of ideas on things to work on throughout the week.
Areas we need prayer:
Jack-
Jack seems to attach to us a little more as time goes on, but I still don't feel that he understands who we are as "Mom and Dad." Please pray for him in this area. Please pray for our patience with him as well and that we would all find a way to truly bond with each other.
Hank-
One of the ladies who is working with Hank each week mentioned that a lot of foster children she sees who are babies are often shut down emotionally because that is how they were able to deal with all they had gone through. She mentioned that she felt some of that from Hank. When Hank first came to us he resisted eye contact and very rarely smiled. He is doing much better in those areas, but still at times it takes everything we can do to force a little giggle out of him. Please pray that whatever part of him he shut down during those first few months, God will bring life and joy to. Please also pray for his health and for God's peace as he still has several doctor appointments and more tests to come in the following month.
Us-
Finally please pray for me and Justin. That we would be Godly parents and be the mom and dad these boys need and deserve. Also please pray that we would be able to have time with each other to invest in and encourage each other.
Thank you to those of you who have encouraged us through calls, messages, and prayer. It means more than we can say to know that we are being prayed for in this journey.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
It's Not Easy
Wow- I can't believe how long its been since I was last able to write. It seemed like just as we were really making progress and the boys were adjusting, Hank got pretty sick for awhile and that really set him back. It took him awhile to not only recover from being sick, but from all that happened while he was sick. I was pretty worn out from all of it as well, which in turn effected my time with Jack. It felt like we all sort of had a set back.
However, we are all doing better in that area now and are once again trying to settle into a routine. Most of that routine consists of weekly doctor appointments, physical and occupational therapies, and lots of visits from social workers, case workers, adoption workers, etc. My goal now is to figure out how to have some outside community and support in the midst of all that and have areas and activities that are a little more "normal" in our lives as well.
We have been being stretched in so much and have been reflecting a lot on the process of adoption. We love these little boys and know that they are a gift from God, but at the same time this has all been very difficult. There are so many things that we couldn't prepare ourselves for and so many things that we often have no idea how to handle.
I know that parenting is hard no matter what, but with adoption there is always the "unknown" aspect of things. When we see a certain behavior or fear in one of the boys there are several reasons we can come up with as to why that might exist. But, there is always the underlying fact that we just don't know certain things. We haven't cared for them since day one and therefore don't know what they've been exposed to or how they've always been treated. I didn't carry them in my womb so don't know how well they were protected and nourished. Obviously none of that changes our love for them, but it is difficult at times to not have so many answers when trying to figure out how to best help them.
Another issue is with bonding. To be honest, it has been a lot easier to bond with Hank than with Jack. Hank came to us as a baby who we can hold, and bottle feed, and who will lay contently in our arms while looking into our eyes. Jack came to us as a busy little boy who does not want to slow down enough to be held. He is almost two which means he is constantly testing and pushing the limits. He has gone from family to family and therefore doesn't seem to bond anymore to us than if a stranger walked in the door. To be even more honest, it is not easy to be patient with a little child who is all of a sudden living in your home, who does not want to bond with you, and who so often is testing all that you say or ask.
Please do not get me wrong, we love this little guy and are so thankful for him. I just write about this so first of all people know how to pray for us, and second of all to give a true and honest account of what adoption is like; the good and the not so good. It's easy to feel bad about some of this and it has helped hearing from other parents that they experienced some of the same obstacles and that we're not alone in what we're feeling or going through.
Occasionally Jack does give us little indicators that he may be starting to bond with us more and we know that the more those come how much more meaningful and special it will all be. We look forward to the day when he will know that we love him and that he can trust us and that we are his mom and dad. But, until then we will keep praying for him and be praying for us; that God will give us unconditional love and patience and a reliance on Him through it all.
However, we are all doing better in that area now and are once again trying to settle into a routine. Most of that routine consists of weekly doctor appointments, physical and occupational therapies, and lots of visits from social workers, case workers, adoption workers, etc. My goal now is to figure out how to have some outside community and support in the midst of all that and have areas and activities that are a little more "normal" in our lives as well.
We have been being stretched in so much and have been reflecting a lot on the process of adoption. We love these little boys and know that they are a gift from God, but at the same time this has all been very difficult. There are so many things that we couldn't prepare ourselves for and so many things that we often have no idea how to handle.
I know that parenting is hard no matter what, but with adoption there is always the "unknown" aspect of things. When we see a certain behavior or fear in one of the boys there are several reasons we can come up with as to why that might exist. But, there is always the underlying fact that we just don't know certain things. We haven't cared for them since day one and therefore don't know what they've been exposed to or how they've always been treated. I didn't carry them in my womb so don't know how well they were protected and nourished. Obviously none of that changes our love for them, but it is difficult at times to not have so many answers when trying to figure out how to best help them.
Another issue is with bonding. To be honest, it has been a lot easier to bond with Hank than with Jack. Hank came to us as a baby who we can hold, and bottle feed, and who will lay contently in our arms while looking into our eyes. Jack came to us as a busy little boy who does not want to slow down enough to be held. He is almost two which means he is constantly testing and pushing the limits. He has gone from family to family and therefore doesn't seem to bond anymore to us than if a stranger walked in the door. To be even more honest, it is not easy to be patient with a little child who is all of a sudden living in your home, who does not want to bond with you, and who so often is testing all that you say or ask.
Please do not get me wrong, we love this little guy and are so thankful for him. I just write about this so first of all people know how to pray for us, and second of all to give a true and honest account of what adoption is like; the good and the not so good. It's easy to feel bad about some of this and it has helped hearing from other parents that they experienced some of the same obstacles and that we're not alone in what we're feeling or going through.
Occasionally Jack does give us little indicators that he may be starting to bond with us more and we know that the more those come how much more meaningful and special it will all be. We look forward to the day when he will know that we love him and that he can trust us and that we are his mom and dad. But, until then we will keep praying for him and be praying for us; that God will give us unconditional love and patience and a reliance on Him through it all.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
As of Today...
As of today, Jack is now legally free!!! What that means is that although adoption is still a ways out, he's not going anywhere. :)
Hank is on his way, but a little further behind in the process as he has not been in foster care as long as Jack.
I know today was not any different from Jack's point of view, but I see it as a big one. He can now begin moving forward and does not have to go back and forth between all the different environments he has been a part of and has had to deal with. It's one step closer to him being able to become just a normal little boy who no longer has to deal with such confusing things.
For both boys there will be no more weekly visits either! This is huge in that it means we can begin to establish more routine and consistency. It also means that the boys will not be going from one home, to another, then to another three times throughout the week. I can't imagine what they were thinking all those times they were being dropped off at different places, having different people be at their visits, picked up by different people, etc., but now it is something they no longer have to deal with. I pray they will begin to understand that they are at home with us, that they are safe here, and that we are their mom and dad. I pray that they will have a sense of peace and stability that they have not had before. I know they are little boys, but going from home to home and having so many people in and out of their lives must have had some effect on them. But now, that is behind them and I pray that God will bring healing to their little hearts, minds, and spirits, and that they will allow themselves to truly bond to us and become aware of their new lives.
I'm not sure exactly when they will be able to be officially adopted, but more is to come on that. As for now, we celebrate what God has done and is doing; that He knows the plans He has had for these boys, plans to prosper them and not to harm them, plans to give them hope and a future.
Hank is on his way, but a little further behind in the process as he has not been in foster care as long as Jack.
I know today was not any different from Jack's point of view, but I see it as a big one. He can now begin moving forward and does not have to go back and forth between all the different environments he has been a part of and has had to deal with. It's one step closer to him being able to become just a normal little boy who no longer has to deal with such confusing things.
For both boys there will be no more weekly visits either! This is huge in that it means we can begin to establish more routine and consistency. It also means that the boys will not be going from one home, to another, then to another three times throughout the week. I can't imagine what they were thinking all those times they were being dropped off at different places, having different people be at their visits, picked up by different people, etc., but now it is something they no longer have to deal with. I pray they will begin to understand that they are at home with us, that they are safe here, and that we are their mom and dad. I pray that they will have a sense of peace and stability that they have not had before. I know they are little boys, but going from home to home and having so many people in and out of their lives must have had some effect on them. But now, that is behind them and I pray that God will bring healing to their little hearts, minds, and spirits, and that they will allow themselves to truly bond to us and become aware of their new lives.
I'm not sure exactly when they will be able to be officially adopted, but more is to come on that. As for now, we celebrate what God has done and is doing; that He knows the plans He has had for these boys, plans to prosper them and not to harm them, plans to give them hope and a future.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
This Week
This next week could hopefully be a big week. We did not expect things to move along so quickly, but it looks like the boys could have their last visit with their birth mom this week and they could also be "legally free" by the end of the week.
Obviously I am so excited that they could be legally free so quickly (basically that means the birth parents no longer have rights to them and they are free to be adopted), but I am almost more excited about the thought of visits ending. I do not like visits. Visitations with birth parents are something that goes on all the time with foster care. I imagined visits would be my least favorite part about the whole process, but I never knew how difficult they would be. You never know how the kids going to be treated, what they're going to be fed, if they're going to sleep, what they're thinking when you drop them off, etc. Add on top of everything the fact that I am a control freak. So I've really had to work on letting go and trusting God in that situation.
It's hard to give kids consistency and routine when they are put in a completely different environment for long periods of time and several days a week. I understand that parents have their rights and that there's a process this all has to go through, but seeing how the boys would sometimes come back from the visits or hearing from the visit supervisor what took place, made it very difficult to be patient with the legal system. But that's a whole other topic.
Anyway, please pray that all that could end this week. Also, there are some court dates this week that we ask you be praying for. Please pray that the birth parents, attorneys, social workers, and the two of us, strive to agree on what is best for the boys. Please pray that we are one step closer to becoming a family and that these boys are one step closer to gaining more stability in their lives.
Obviously I am so excited that they could be legally free so quickly (basically that means the birth parents no longer have rights to them and they are free to be adopted), but I am almost more excited about the thought of visits ending. I do not like visits. Visitations with birth parents are something that goes on all the time with foster care. I imagined visits would be my least favorite part about the whole process, but I never knew how difficult they would be. You never know how the kids going to be treated, what they're going to be fed, if they're going to sleep, what they're thinking when you drop them off, etc. Add on top of everything the fact that I am a control freak. So I've really had to work on letting go and trusting God in that situation.
It's hard to give kids consistency and routine when they are put in a completely different environment for long periods of time and several days a week. I understand that parents have their rights and that there's a process this all has to go through, but seeing how the boys would sometimes come back from the visits or hearing from the visit supervisor what took place, made it very difficult to be patient with the legal system. But that's a whole other topic.
Anyway, please pray that all that could end this week. Also, there are some court dates this week that we ask you be praying for. Please pray that the birth parents, attorneys, social workers, and the two of us, strive to agree on what is best for the boys. Please pray that we are one step closer to becoming a family and that these boys are one step closer to gaining more stability in their lives.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
A Little Over One Month Ago...
A litte over one month ago...
...I had no idea how much our lives were about to change.
...I had no idea how detrimental a squeaky floor board could be.
...I never knew I would become excellent at picking other people's noses.
...I never knew how amazing of a dad my husband would be.
...I never knew how fun playing with two kids on the floor could be or how much a smile could mean.
...I didn't know I would be okay with being spit up on so many times throughout the day and night.
...I had no idea of how protective of a mom I'd be.
...I never knew I would buy a plastic table cloth (for indoors).
...I didn't realize how small our car is.
...I didn't know I would be so desperate to keep a child asleep that I would give a dog the 'hush' sign.
...I never thought I'd choose a nap over cleaning.
...I never knew there could be so much joy in feeding a baby at 3 in the morning.
...I never knew how difficult it could be hearing a baby scream at 3 in the morning.
...I didn't completely understand how much I desperately need God to be a good parent.
I didn't know it was possible to love two little boys so much who I just met.
But God knew it all and I guess that's why He worked it out the way He did.
...I had no idea how much our lives were about to change.
...I had no idea how detrimental a squeaky floor board could be.
...I never knew I would become excellent at picking other people's noses.
...I never knew how amazing of a dad my husband would be.
...I never knew how fun playing with two kids on the floor could be or how much a smile could mean.
...I didn't know I would be okay with being spit up on so many times throughout the day and night.
...I had no idea of how protective of a mom I'd be.
...I never knew I would buy a plastic table cloth (for indoors).
...I didn't realize how small our car is.
...I didn't know I would be so desperate to keep a child asleep that I would give a dog the 'hush' sign.
...I never thought I'd choose a nap over cleaning.
...I never knew there could be so much joy in feeding a baby at 3 in the morning.
...I never knew how difficult it could be hearing a baby scream at 3 in the morning.
...I didn't completely understand how much I desperately need God to be a good parent.
I didn't know it was possible to love two little boys so much who I just met.
But God knew it all and I guess that's why He worked it out the way He did.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Success!
So, things have definitely gotten better since my last post.
There were two major things I knew were going to be difficult with Jack; nap/bed time and eating. Well, each night Jack went down easier and easier and last night he slept through the entire night!!!! This was huge in that we were told that he is usually up multiple times during the night. It took a lot of work the first couple nights (and I'm sure we're not out of the woods yet), but I think he's starting to feel comfortable sleeping here and is learning how to fall asleep without needing to be held each time he wakes up. Don't get me wrong, we love holding him and we do a lot of that, we also want him to have the ability to fall back asleep when he wakes up during the night. And now, I just put him down for a nap when he was still awake and haven't heard a sound from him!
He is starting to eat more and more, enjoying the foods we're giving him, and keeping everything he eats down (which did not happen at all the first day - yuck!). I'm doing my best to meet him half way and compromise on some foods. Example- we were told his favorite food is french fries so we tried sweet potato fries, and it worked! He has a lot of weight to gain and I'm really hoping to accomplish that the healthiest way possible.
Today he had a doctor's appointment that immediately followed his visit with his birth mom. Both boys are usually a little cranky after that as they go for four hours and do not usually nap at all. I was a little nervous for the appointment in that it would be the first outing I've done by myself with the two of them. Plus, I wasn't sure how they would be after their visit. But, I am happy to say that we all made it :) The boys did great and it was pretty much smooth sailing the whole time. Thank You Jesus!!! Hank has a little bit of a short fuse and that's mostly what I was worried about. However, although he was obviously tired and bored he handled it like a champ.
Finally, a little more about Jack. He is this teeny tiny little guy, but full of energy and joy. He has lots of smiles and loves snuggling up to just about anyone. He says a lot of sounds, but no clear words so we are working with him on learning a few signs. He's a smart little boy and has already picked up "more" and "please" and now we are working on "all done" and "thank you." He isn't walking on his own yet, but when he gets really determined and focused he can take several steps on his own.
Please continue to pray for both of the boys in their development; that God would develop their minds and bodies, and most importantly that God would develop their hearts for Him.
There were two major things I knew were going to be difficult with Jack; nap/bed time and eating. Well, each night Jack went down easier and easier and last night he slept through the entire night!!!! This was huge in that we were told that he is usually up multiple times during the night. It took a lot of work the first couple nights (and I'm sure we're not out of the woods yet), but I think he's starting to feel comfortable sleeping here and is learning how to fall asleep without needing to be held each time he wakes up. Don't get me wrong, we love holding him and we do a lot of that, we also want him to have the ability to fall back asleep when he wakes up during the night. And now, I just put him down for a nap when he was still awake and haven't heard a sound from him!
He is starting to eat more and more, enjoying the foods we're giving him, and keeping everything he eats down (which did not happen at all the first day - yuck!). I'm doing my best to meet him half way and compromise on some foods. Example- we were told his favorite food is french fries so we tried sweet potato fries, and it worked! He has a lot of weight to gain and I'm really hoping to accomplish that the healthiest way possible.
Today he had a doctor's appointment that immediately followed his visit with his birth mom. Both boys are usually a little cranky after that as they go for four hours and do not usually nap at all. I was a little nervous for the appointment in that it would be the first outing I've done by myself with the two of them. Plus, I wasn't sure how they would be after their visit. But, I am happy to say that we all made it :) The boys did great and it was pretty much smooth sailing the whole time. Thank You Jesus!!! Hank has a little bit of a short fuse and that's mostly what I was worried about. However, although he was obviously tired and bored he handled it like a champ.
Finally, a little more about Jack. He is this teeny tiny little guy, but full of energy and joy. He has lots of smiles and loves snuggling up to just about anyone. He says a lot of sounds, but no clear words so we are working with him on learning a few signs. He's a smart little boy and has already picked up "more" and "please" and now we are working on "all done" and "thank you." He isn't walking on his own yet, but when he gets really determined and focused he can take several steps on his own.
Please continue to pray for both of the boys in their development; that God would develop their minds and bodies, and most importantly that God would develop their hearts for Him.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
First Night
Yesterday we brought Jack home. It was our first night together as a family. I tried to get him settled in before Justin got home from work. I got them dressed in their cute outfits for some family pictures. However, things did not go as planned. Jack had been feeling warm for awhile so we took his tempertaure which turned out to be almost 104. So, Justin took him off to an urgent care. Turned out to be just a virus, but they were gone for quite awhile and came home pretty worn out.
We knew that it would be rough for him to sleep well in a new home and that would only be worsened by him feeling sick. On top of that Hank had developed a cough that had me a little worried. So, Justin went in one room with Jack for the night and I took Hank in our room. That was our first night together. So, it can only get better, right? :)
We knew that it would be rough for him to sleep well in a new home and that would only be worsened by him feeling sick. On top of that Hank had developed a cough that had me a little worried. So, Justin went in one room with Jack for the night and I took Hank in our room. That was our first night together. So, it can only get better, right? :)
Sunday, February 20, 2011
A Slow Transition
Hank has now been with us for 2 weeks. We're starting to get each other figured out, beginning to establish a routine, and are just having a lot of fun having this little guy with us. We're working on things every day to help him grow and thrive and it's hard to believe the amount of change that we see in him. I feel as though he knows this is his home and is loved and safe here.
It's been a little bit different of a story for Jack though. We will be Jack's fourth home and in the past he has had difficulties making some of his transitions. Because of that the state wanted us to slowly transition him into our home. So, for the last two weeks we have been going to see him in his current home and bringing him to our house to spend the day with us. We've done that about every other day to every third day. The whole point in that is for him to become familiar with us and familiar with our home. We've seen him become more and more comfortable with us, but at the same time it seems like all the back and forth would be confusing for a child. At first the state said to do this for 4-5 weeks, but just this last week they changed their minds and want us to bring him home this week.
A few nights ago we had him spend the night. It was not the easiest night. There was a lot of crying and not a lot of sleeping. I don't think it was that he was too uncomfortable with us, but that he has some sleep patterns (being held for several hours) that he is pretty set in. We had him for the day today and most of it went smooth except for nap time. Family is here visiting, but I wanted to try to do nap time on my own since I'm going to need to be able to do it once they are all gone. Hank went down just fine. Then I sat with Jack in the rocking chair who began to cry once he realized it was nap time. The crying woke up Hank who then started to cry. So I was able to get Hank and Jack to both sit with me and was going to rock them both when Hank threw up his lunch all over the three of us (he has pretty bad reflux). That ended nap time.
So, I'm going to have my hands full. I'm trying to be realistic with the process and expect that it is going to be difficult and going to be a lot of work. I know I'm going to need to remind myself that although it will be tough, the end result will be worth it. I know I'm going to need to be flexible and not expect this to go like all the books I've read. I know I'm going to need a lot of prayer and will need to do a lot of prayer as well. I'm praying that God will give us patience, that God will help us be able to give and have time for each boy, and that God will work out all the things that I'm not sure are going to work.
The slow transition with Jack has been good, but also difficult in that it has been difficult to establish consistency. I'm really looking forward to that part when we bring him home on Wednesday, but also uncertain about how its all going to work out.
Please be praying for little Jack; that he will be at home here and be able to handle the transition without fear and sadness. Please pray for Hank; that he will be affected only positively by Jack coming to live with us. And please, please, please pray for us. I think this is going to be more than difficult and we can only do it with God's help.
So, let the next part of the journey begin...
It's been a little bit different of a story for Jack though. We will be Jack's fourth home and in the past he has had difficulties making some of his transitions. Because of that the state wanted us to slowly transition him into our home. So, for the last two weeks we have been going to see him in his current home and bringing him to our house to spend the day with us. We've done that about every other day to every third day. The whole point in that is for him to become familiar with us and familiar with our home. We've seen him become more and more comfortable with us, but at the same time it seems like all the back and forth would be confusing for a child. At first the state said to do this for 4-5 weeks, but just this last week they changed their minds and want us to bring him home this week.
A few nights ago we had him spend the night. It was not the easiest night. There was a lot of crying and not a lot of sleeping. I don't think it was that he was too uncomfortable with us, but that he has some sleep patterns (being held for several hours) that he is pretty set in. We had him for the day today and most of it went smooth except for nap time. Family is here visiting, but I wanted to try to do nap time on my own since I'm going to need to be able to do it once they are all gone. Hank went down just fine. Then I sat with Jack in the rocking chair who began to cry once he realized it was nap time. The crying woke up Hank who then started to cry. So I was able to get Hank and Jack to both sit with me and was going to rock them both when Hank threw up his lunch all over the three of us (he has pretty bad reflux). That ended nap time.
So, I'm going to have my hands full. I'm trying to be realistic with the process and expect that it is going to be difficult and going to be a lot of work. I know I'm going to need to remind myself that although it will be tough, the end result will be worth it. I know I'm going to need to be flexible and not expect this to go like all the books I've read. I know I'm going to need a lot of prayer and will need to do a lot of prayer as well. I'm praying that God will give us patience, that God will help us be able to give and have time for each boy, and that God will work out all the things that I'm not sure are going to work.
The slow transition with Jack has been good, but also difficult in that it has been difficult to establish consistency. I'm really looking forward to that part when we bring him home on Wednesday, but also uncertain about how its all going to work out.
Please be praying for little Jack; that he will be at home here and be able to handle the transition without fear and sadness. Please pray for Hank; that he will be affected only positively by Jack coming to live with us. And please, please, please pray for us. I think this is going to be more than difficult and we can only do it with God's help.
So, let the next part of the journey begin...
Thursday, February 10, 2011
He's Here!
Well, he has actually been here for a few days but I'm just now feeling like I have the time (and energy :) ) to write.
On Saturday February 5th, we brought one of our little guys home. Because of all the legal issues we're not supposed to post their names over the Internet or post pictures on a public site (but can email some to those interested). We're obviously not allowed to change their names now, but do have the names picked out in hopes that we do get to adopt them so those are the names we'll use when talking about them. The younger one we are going to name Hank and the older one we are going to name Jack.
Hank is the baby (about 6 months) and he is the one who is with us now. Justin and I brought him home Saturday morning and have been loving on him every available moment since then. We are learning more and more about him, trying to give him a stable environment, engaging and interacting with him, and seeing him come more and more alert each day. One of the concerns previously addressed with him was a lack of eye contact and smiling. The family he was previously with saw a big improvement in that area over the last month and we have seen him change so much in just the few days he's been here. Two of the best things are the amount of time he will look into our eyes and seeing a partial smile on half his mouth change to a both sides of his mouth curling up into a big beautiful smile!
Because of being born so premature he has a lot of catching up do to, but we are eager to learn as much as we can to help him. And most importantly, we are eager just to love him which is what I believe he needs the most.
The first day was good, although a little rough that night. We just brought him home with a folder full of all his medical issues and court dates and we hadn't yet figured out how to sooth and comfort his late night cries. I sat there holding him wondering when all those issues wouldn't matter and I could just fall in love with him. At first I wasn't sure how that would happen or how long it would take to happen.
Well, I soon found out. The main point of realization for me was taking him to his first visit with his birth mom (something that takes place with most foster children who are not yet "legally free"). As soon as I drove away from dropping him off I missed him and was worried about him. As soon as I picked him up I couldn't wait to get him back home and hold him and love on him. From that moment on I realized how much I loved him and that relation, blood, or medical issues played no part in my love for him. I couldn't imagine loving him any different if I gave birth to him or if he didn't have a single medical condition.
The nights have been a little sleepless, but I just see those as opportunities to love a little baby who just needs love and to be held. He loves when Justin gives him bath time and snuggles up when I read him a book. I can't explain what it's like to hold a little life that has been through so much and have the opportunity to give him comfort and security, but it's amazing. It could just be me making things up, but when I hold him and he looks up at me I feel that he truly knows he is safe and loved.
We're not sure how soon Jack will come stay with us. We brought him to our house for several hours today so he could become familiar with the house and with us in it. He is older and has gone through several moves so understandably the state wants us to have a slow transition with him. However, we see all the instability in their lives and how going back and forth seems a little difficult on him. These little guys have so much going on in their lives and so much confusion. So please pray that God would protect their hearts and give them peace. Please pray that they will both be here together soon and that this will be a place of stability and comfort for them.
Last thought - when all this was taking so long I kept telling myself that I knew God was doing that for a reason but I could not figure out what kind of reasoning he had from preventing us from loving these boys as soon as possible. Well, my sister just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy so my parents just so happened to be here this week when we brought Hank home. And what a blessing that has been! They have cooked, cleaned, loved on Hank, giving me an opportunity to shower, and have been able to share all of this with us. They have been such a help and were able to be here when we brought Hank home. We haven't had to worry about meals, running errands, taking out the trash, or really anything at all. My mom has taught me many wonderful things, but one that hits the top is her showing me how to help a screaming baby take a pacifier who could not find a way to sooth himself. It has helped us and has helped him become much less restless. I am so thankful God worked it out to have my parents (and grandfather) here to share in all this.
That should probably be all for now. I am very tired and am sure I am rambling and using very poor grammar. Hopefully soon there will be an update about Jack and us bringing him home as well.
On Saturday February 5th, we brought one of our little guys home. Because of all the legal issues we're not supposed to post their names over the Internet or post pictures on a public site (but can email some to those interested). We're obviously not allowed to change their names now, but do have the names picked out in hopes that we do get to adopt them so those are the names we'll use when talking about them. The younger one we are going to name Hank and the older one we are going to name Jack.
Hank is the baby (about 6 months) and he is the one who is with us now. Justin and I brought him home Saturday morning and have been loving on him every available moment since then. We are learning more and more about him, trying to give him a stable environment, engaging and interacting with him, and seeing him come more and more alert each day. One of the concerns previously addressed with him was a lack of eye contact and smiling. The family he was previously with saw a big improvement in that area over the last month and we have seen him change so much in just the few days he's been here. Two of the best things are the amount of time he will look into our eyes and seeing a partial smile on half his mouth change to a both sides of his mouth curling up into a big beautiful smile!
Because of being born so premature he has a lot of catching up do to, but we are eager to learn as much as we can to help him. And most importantly, we are eager just to love him which is what I believe he needs the most.
The first day was good, although a little rough that night. We just brought him home with a folder full of all his medical issues and court dates and we hadn't yet figured out how to sooth and comfort his late night cries. I sat there holding him wondering when all those issues wouldn't matter and I could just fall in love with him. At first I wasn't sure how that would happen or how long it would take to happen.
Well, I soon found out. The main point of realization for me was taking him to his first visit with his birth mom (something that takes place with most foster children who are not yet "legally free"). As soon as I drove away from dropping him off I missed him and was worried about him. As soon as I picked him up I couldn't wait to get him back home and hold him and love on him. From that moment on I realized how much I loved him and that relation, blood, or medical issues played no part in my love for him. I couldn't imagine loving him any different if I gave birth to him or if he didn't have a single medical condition.
The nights have been a little sleepless, but I just see those as opportunities to love a little baby who just needs love and to be held. He loves when Justin gives him bath time and snuggles up when I read him a book. I can't explain what it's like to hold a little life that has been through so much and have the opportunity to give him comfort and security, but it's amazing. It could just be me making things up, but when I hold him and he looks up at me I feel that he truly knows he is safe and loved.
We're not sure how soon Jack will come stay with us. We brought him to our house for several hours today so he could become familiar with the house and with us in it. He is older and has gone through several moves so understandably the state wants us to have a slow transition with him. However, we see all the instability in their lives and how going back and forth seems a little difficult on him. These little guys have so much going on in their lives and so much confusion. So please pray that God would protect their hearts and give them peace. Please pray that they will both be here together soon and that this will be a place of stability and comfort for them.
Last thought - when all this was taking so long I kept telling myself that I knew God was doing that for a reason but I could not figure out what kind of reasoning he had from preventing us from loving these boys as soon as possible. Well, my sister just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy so my parents just so happened to be here this week when we brought Hank home. And what a blessing that has been! They have cooked, cleaned, loved on Hank, giving me an opportunity to shower, and have been able to share all of this with us. They have been such a help and were able to be here when we brought Hank home. We haven't had to worry about meals, running errands, taking out the trash, or really anything at all. My mom has taught me many wonderful things, but one that hits the top is her showing me how to help a screaming baby take a pacifier who could not find a way to sooth himself. It has helped us and has helped him become much less restless. I am so thankful God worked it out to have my parents (and grandfather) here to share in all this.
That should probably be all for now. I am very tired and am sure I am rambling and using very poor grammar. Hopefully soon there will be an update about Jack and us bringing him home as well.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Silence to Craziness
Okay - so where to begin. The last we heard about anything was towards the beginning of January. Since then it has been silence. Silence about the boys, silence about our license, just complete silence. Then on January 26th I received a call at about 5pm to see if Justin and I could be at a meeting the next day at noon. The message said they wanted to talk about placing the boys with us and what that transition would look like. The last we heard basically gave us the impression that the boys were going to a different home. Now, several weeks later after hearing absolutely nothing we got a call about transitioning them into our home.
Thankfully Justin had the next day off and I was able to find someone to cover for me on short notice. We went to a meeting that consisted of 3 Youth For Christ staff, one state worker, a social worker for the agency the boys are currently in, and a conference call with the boys' current foster moms. We went into the meeting thinking it was just to ask questions, find out what's been going on the last several weeks, and learn more about the boys. However, right away we were introduced as the boys' new foster parents.
We then sat through a 2 hour meeting where each different person gave their thoughts and details on the boys and what it would look like to transition them into our home. A lot of information we had already heard, but a lot we had not. We left the meeting being very overwhelmed and not sure what to do. There were a lot of "if's" and hopeful outcomes they talked about with us, but nothing that was for sure or guaranteed. There are still a few medical concerns for the boys and it is not guaranteed that they will eventually be "our boys."
We knew we wanted to do what God was calling us to do, but we also knew we didn't want to just jump into a situation because we want kids. We didn't want to say "no" because we were scared, but we didn't want to say "yes" because we're inpatient.
After a few hours of processing (my form being some rock climbing and Justin's being some wood working) I came home and went to talk to Justin out if the garage. The first thing he said was "How often do you get the chance to do something great with your life and make a difference? I think we should do it." I felt the same.
These boys need a home where they can be kept together and given a lot of time. They need to be in a home where they have a mom and a dad and have someone home with them all the time. They need to be in a home that does not have other kids so they can be given the care, engagement, and attention they need. We can, and want, to do those things. Whether we get to adopt them, or they have to leave in 9 months, we can hopefully give them what they need now that will hopefully make a difference in their futures.
So, with all that said, I went and met the youngest one today! Justin is unfortunately out of town, but will be back tomorrow and will get to meet both the boys this week. I went and met the youngest and went to a doctor's appointment with him where I was able to learn some more, as well as hold him after his shots :)
Its sort of a weird feeling right now. We want to give our hearts, but we also have concerns. Those concerns are honestly keeping me from getting too excited or attached right now, but I know all those things will come at the right time. When all of us are ready :)
So that's been the last couple days. A lot has gone on and a lot is to come. I'll do my best to keep everyone updated.
Thank you all so much for your prayers and encouragement this last month. Keep those prayers coming please!!
Thankfully Justin had the next day off and I was able to find someone to cover for me on short notice. We went to a meeting that consisted of 3 Youth For Christ staff, one state worker, a social worker for the agency the boys are currently in, and a conference call with the boys' current foster moms. We went into the meeting thinking it was just to ask questions, find out what's been going on the last several weeks, and learn more about the boys. However, right away we were introduced as the boys' new foster parents.
We then sat through a 2 hour meeting where each different person gave their thoughts and details on the boys and what it would look like to transition them into our home. A lot of information we had already heard, but a lot we had not. We left the meeting being very overwhelmed and not sure what to do. There were a lot of "if's" and hopeful outcomes they talked about with us, but nothing that was for sure or guaranteed. There are still a few medical concerns for the boys and it is not guaranteed that they will eventually be "our boys."
We knew we wanted to do what God was calling us to do, but we also knew we didn't want to just jump into a situation because we want kids. We didn't want to say "no" because we were scared, but we didn't want to say "yes" because we're inpatient.
After a few hours of processing (my form being some rock climbing and Justin's being some wood working) I came home and went to talk to Justin out if the garage. The first thing he said was "How often do you get the chance to do something great with your life and make a difference? I think we should do it." I felt the same.
These boys need a home where they can be kept together and given a lot of time. They need to be in a home where they have a mom and a dad and have someone home with them all the time. They need to be in a home that does not have other kids so they can be given the care, engagement, and attention they need. We can, and want, to do those things. Whether we get to adopt them, or they have to leave in 9 months, we can hopefully give them what they need now that will hopefully make a difference in their futures.
So, with all that said, I went and met the youngest one today! Justin is unfortunately out of town, but will be back tomorrow and will get to meet both the boys this week. I went and met the youngest and went to a doctor's appointment with him where I was able to learn some more, as well as hold him after his shots :)
Its sort of a weird feeling right now. We want to give our hearts, but we also have concerns. Those concerns are honestly keeping me from getting too excited or attached right now, but I know all those things will come at the right time. When all of us are ready :)
So that's been the last couple days. A lot has gone on and a lot is to come. I'll do my best to keep everyone updated.
Thank you all so much for your prayers and encouragement this last month. Keep those prayers coming please!!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
One Long Rollercoaster
Well, I was hoping my next post would have been about meeting the boys or having them here, but unfortunately that's not the case. Instead, its been a long week of ups and downs. After each phone call I thought of writing something, but things seemed to be changing so fast that we were told something different before I even had a chance to write about what we were just told.
If I would have written something after my last post I would have written about the great deal we found for a crib and changing table we bought.
If I would have written something after that it would have been how I kept my phone with me all day last Monday since that's when we were supposed to hear about our license. I would have written about how frustrated I was once 5 o'clock rolled around and still no phone call. However, I tried to remain patient thinking that maybe state workers weren't coming back until Tuesday.
If I would have written something after that, I would have written about how I didn't hear anything all day on Tuesday until about 5pm and how excited I was when I heard the phone ring and saw it was Youth For Christ. But I wouldn't have had news about our license. Instead I would have written about how we were suddenly told that there were new concerns about the boys being placed together and that we were told that the state was thinking about placing them in separate homes and would get back to us later.
If I would have written something after that, I would have written something a couple days later after we were called back and told that the state decided to keep the boys together, but was now looking at placing them in an "adoptive" home and how that decision would be made sometime after the January 20. Justin and I have had our foster care home inspection, but not our adoption home inspection. We haven't had it yet because we were under the impression that that part did not have to be done until further down the road. Therefore, although our hope in all this is to adopt, we are not yet "adoptive parents."
So now several days later I'm not really sure to write about. Most of it would probably be complaining so I should probably just keep it short. We know God has a plan, but His plan isn't making a lot of sense to us right now. I guess in writing all this the main point is to share with you all the ways we could use prayer right now.
If I would have written something after my last post I would have written about the great deal we found for a crib and changing table we bought.
If I would have written something after that it would have been how I kept my phone with me all day last Monday since that's when we were supposed to hear about our license. I would have written about how frustrated I was once 5 o'clock rolled around and still no phone call. However, I tried to remain patient thinking that maybe state workers weren't coming back until Tuesday.
If I would have written something after that, I would have written about how I didn't hear anything all day on Tuesday until about 5pm and how excited I was when I heard the phone ring and saw it was Youth For Christ. But I wouldn't have had news about our license. Instead I would have written about how we were suddenly told that there were new concerns about the boys being placed together and that we were told that the state was thinking about placing them in separate homes and would get back to us later.
If I would have written something after that, I would have written something a couple days later after we were called back and told that the state decided to keep the boys together, but was now looking at placing them in an "adoptive" home and how that decision would be made sometime after the January 20. Justin and I have had our foster care home inspection, but not our adoption home inspection. We haven't had it yet because we were under the impression that that part did not have to be done until further down the road. Therefore, although our hope in all this is to adopt, we are not yet "adoptive parents."
So now several days later I'm not really sure to write about. Most of it would probably be complaining so I should probably just keep it short. We know God has a plan, but His plan isn't making a lot of sense to us right now. I guess in writing all this the main point is to share with you all the ways we could use prayer right now.
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