What does it look like to remain hopeful in a situation that seems hopeless? How do you continue to have hope for something that after years of praying for only seems to be getting worse and not better? To be honest, I don't really know and that's a place that Justin and I are in right now. The last few months things have been really rough with the boys. I'm not sure why it has seemed so much more difficult, except for maybe we're just tired. While there have been so many joys and redeeming moments, the last three years have been a very difficult journey. Many things have improved and we do have a lot to be thankful for. Hank, although he still gets sick often, is so much healthier than he used to be. It seems as though he's completely bonded and attached to me and Justin. Jack, although he still has a way to go, can communicate better with us. He has been given some diagnosis that have given us more answers and will hopefully continue to allow him to get more help in certain areas as he grows older. There are things to be thankful for and I do see those things, but there have also been things that have been very difficult, that have not changed (except for getting worse), and have been weighing so heavy on us lately.
To keep it short, Hank's anger and Jack's lack of genuine attachment and understanding of consequences for the things he does has all been at an all time high lately. These have been areas of concern and things we've been trying to work through and get help with for years so its nothing really that new. But I think that its "been years" has finally taken its toll. What's been frustrating is that a lot of different ways we've tried to get help for in these areas have for some reason ended in closed doors. About a month ago, after I reached out to another source for help who had been really helpful to some friends of ours, I received another closed door. So I just spent most of that morning praying that God would heal Jack and Hank in these areas (which I've also been praying for years). I prayed that although there are people, and therapies, and medical advances that could help them, in the end I believe God is the greatest healer of all and that He would be the one to heal them. That day, while Justin was gone, ended up being by far the worse day I have experienced with Hank's rage and anger and with Jack hurting himself once again doing something he's repeatedly hurt himself doing. And in that moment I felt like I was finally giving up, I just wanted to quit. I know God has reasons for everything. I know He works in ways that are far beyond anything we can comprehend. I know we live in a fallen and broken world and will continue to experience pain and hurt and sin until Jesus returns and makes all things right. I know He isn't just a genie who will grant every wish I make before Him. In the past we prayed for years to be able to conceive and have a child. That never happened, but through it all, through how much it hurt (and sometimes still does) I was hopeful and knew God was still there and had a plan. Through a failed back surgery I've prayed for healing, and while that hasn't happened my faith has never waived because I know that sometimes God heals and sometimes He doesn't, but in the end He is still loving and still good. There are many things we have prayed for, as there are for so many other people, that God has answered differently than we had hoped. But this has always been okay because I know God is sovereign and what He does is always good, right, and perfect. So why was it that what happened that day with the boys, out of all the rough days we've had with them, finally cause me to lose hope that things would get better with them? I don't really know.
Later today the four of us will be going to a week long camp. This camp is designed to give help, resources, and tools to families who have adopted and/or are experiencing bonding, attachment, early trauma issues, etc. This opportunity came up just about two weeks ago and at the very last minute we were able to get in. I see God's work in just the fact we're able to attend as it only had a few remaining open spots as well as how He has financially provided to make it possible to go. I know He is making this all possible and we have friends who were able to go last year and get some help, but I'm still finding it hard to be hopeful. Part of me doesn't want to be hopeful because I don't want to be disappointed again. Part of me feels like I just don't have the ability to hope right now. I'm very thankful for this opportunity and I know there are so many other people out there who could use this experience and most likely have it a lot harder than we do, I'm just not sure what to expect and I'm tired of hoping.
In the Bible the author of Hebrews, when talking about Abraham, says that in hope he believed against hope. I find that a very interesting statement and one that hits home right now. Hope against hope. I believe we all hope in things. We have a natural hope that is based off of facts, reasoning, sense, and our personal experiences. But then there is a biblical hope. This is hope that allows us to see beyond our human experiences and is rooted in what God's word says and promises. It isn't just a desire for something, but a confident expectation. This kind of hope isn't just wishful thinking, but is a confident expectation on something that is certain. And the one and only thing I know that is certain is God and what He has said in His word. I look at this situation with the boys and the earthly facts are greatly against them. Based off of what I feel are "facts" and my personal experience in this area, there is no hope. However, despite all this, I know that when it seems everything around me is failing, God's word never fails. I don't have proof right now by experience or even how I feel, but I have proof in His word. This situation seems hopeless, but I hope in what God says in the Bible. Hope against hope. It's a struggle I feel battling inside me; to keep believing in hope against what I feel. I've always thought more with my head than with my emotions. I like logic. I loved teaching math because it's based on formulas and structure. If this equals this, then this plus this always equals this. It's based off of reason and facts and makes sense to me. And I guess that's what has kept me going. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's like a math formula to me- because I know and believe God's word to be 100% true, and because it says He is faithful and steadfast and One we can hope in, I therefore will continue to trust in Him. It's not based off of what I feel in this area right now, it's not based off of how things have gone, it's not based off of earthly reasoning, but it's just based off of what God promises. I know I'm in a place that needs to change. There is a disconnect from what my heart says and what my head says right now and I know I can't stay in that place for a long time. But thankfully what my head is telling me is to keep going based on what I know about God, not what I may be feeling right now. To trust that "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in Him.' (Lamentations 3:22-24). Therefore I will have hope against hope. The situation around me tells me one thing, but God's word tells me another, and I choose to believe in that.
So off we go to camp, taking one more step when I didn't feel like we could take another. And despite what happens or doesn't happen at this camp, I know we will keep taking steps. Not because it's easy, not because we have the strength, but because I know God is there with His hand behind us pushing us on and with His arm under us helping carry the load. Because His word says so. So against hope, we head into this week with hope.
