Wow-over six months since my last post. Shocker. There have been so many days when something has happened or I've learned something through this process that I've really wanted to share and write about. But, like most things I want/intend to do these days I actually do roughly 6% (maybe 6 1/2%) of them. However that is better than my rate of 0% a few months ago, so looks like things are on the upswing. Here's to better days. Anyway...
Tomorrow, December 30, is the three year anniversary of the day we adopted the boys. Whenever this time of year comes around I end up reflecting on that day and time in our lives. While that day was a very important day and one that we anticipated and celebrated, it was also in a sense a day we took very seriously and had mixed emotions about.
We had had the boys with us for a little over ten months at that time. Although they had been with us for nearly a year, we were still considered their foster parents. This meant that although they were in our care primarily, they still did not "belong" to us, they were not yet seen as "our" children. They were not yet "Jack" and "Hank." We didn't get to make major decisions regarding their care, or even smaller ones such as getting hair cuts without permission. We did not have a lot of the freedoms and choices that most parents have with their children since the day they're born. Once the papers were signed however, that all changed. They were now officially Jack Louis Morris and Hank Richard Morris. We finally had the rights and choices of "normal" parents. We could make our own decisions about things like which doctors we wanted them to see or not see. We could take them to go visit family without having to get permission from the state and have paperwork signed off. Suddenly they were seen as ours and we were seen as their parents. We were officially a family. That's a huge reason why we will always celebrate that day. We are by far not the best parents in the world, but I believe Jack and Hank were officially given a new future that day. They were brought into a huge family with grandparents, and great grand parents, and aunts and uncles, and great aunts and great uncles, and cousins, and friends who all love them so much. The cycle of past generations was broken and we were given two sons. So we remember and we celebrate.
Before that court date we also were not necessarily completely committed to them. We were in our hearts and our intentions, but before we walked into that court room we still had the choice to change our minds. Now I know that sounds like a really weird thing to say. Like I said, we had no intention of doing that. However, during that time we were really struggling. As I mentioned earlier, the boys had been with us for nearly a year and during that time we had been through a lot with them. There were intense medical issues that had us in multiple appointments every week in different cities at different children's hospitals. There was no time for sleep or much else. There was also a lot of behavior issues with one of the boys that I honestly had a hard time knowing how to love him through. The longer he was with us the harder things had gotten, and not the other way around. There were a lot of unanswered questions regarding these behavior issues and their health and we knew that a lot of time, money, and sacrifice would be required of us in the future. We also knew that things would be asked and required of us that we couldn't anticipate; that we were signing up for the unknown. There were some pretty rough nights in our house leading up to that day and there were times when Justin and I looked at each other and asked ourselves if we could really handle it, if we had what it took to be their parents. When we walked into that court room that day, it was an exciting day and a happy day, but it was also in a sense a somber day. We had not come out of the rough times, but were still in the very thick of it. That day Justin and I stood together with some of our family and two of our closest friends and promised that no matter what happened, through sickness and health, good and bad, we would do our best to love these boys and forever be their mom and dad. And to be completely honest, there have been times when remembering that commitment has been what has kept me going. Even though parts of that day were scary for what we were committing ourselves to, the fact that we were still in a very rough place with them but still promising to always love and care for them, in a sense makes that day even more beautiful to me. Just as Justin and I take very seriously the vows we made to always love and care for each other, we remember the promise we made to our boys and that keeps us going when things get rough. And so for those reasons too, we celebrate.
And now to be completely honest, the last few days have been some of the most difficult with Jack that we have ever had. More difficult than when he first came, more difficult than the pouching process with him, and I'm at a loss as what to do. But I know below the layers of the difficult behavior, the layers of rage, and the layers of spite, is a little boy who is broken and in need of love. And so that is what (very imperfectly) we continue to try to do. I know that in some of my posts I'm very open and honest about some of our struggles throughout this whole journey, and people have actually asked me if that's a good idea or not since one day the boys may read this. My intent has always been to be open and honest just in case someone ever read this who also was struggling in these areas or knew someone who has. My hope in writing has always been to take what we have experienced and are continually learning to maybe help others who are going through something similar. But as I was earlier debating about whether or not to mention our current struggles with Jack, another thought occurred to me. Maybe he will read this one day, and maybe it will help him understand our love for him on an even deeper level. Jack is funny and caring, he sees the things Justin and I enjoy doing and he shows interest in them, he is excited about life and I love him for all those things. Also, he can make things really really difficult, and I choose to love him still. I don't just love him and care for him because he is good, or what he can do for me, or how he makes me feel. I love him because he is my son. Now I don't love him perfectly, I'm definitely human and I have made plenty of mistakes. But I try to love him on good days and bad days, and I will always will. I hope that someday if he ever questions my love for him, maybe knowing how much we loved him through the rough times will show him how deep our love truly is for him. Maybe him reading this and knowing that even when he told me he didn't want me, I told him I still wanted him, will maybe help him see how much he truly is loved. Not because he's perfect or did anything to earn it, but because he's our son. And in that I obviously hope he sees the bigger picture, that there is Someone who loves him even better than I do. That there is a God who made him, planned for him and loves him completely unconditionally. That he doesn't have to do anything to earn God's love, but is already completely loved and nothing can ever change that. Although I have been far from perfect in showing love, I still hope that my love for Jack can be an example of how great God's love is for him. And then I think of us all, how below our layers of anger, and greed, and lies, and hurt, and emptiness, we are all like Jack, needing to be loved with a kind and unconditional love. And that love has been given to us, not because of what we've done to earn it, but because God simply chooses to love us. Through greater sacrifice than I'll ever know, God has shown His love for us. So tomorrow, even though it may be another rough day, still we will celebrate. Not because we've conquered and made it through the worst, not because life is finally easy, not because we're a perfect family, but for something much deeper. We celebrate the fact that through tears, and stress, and hurt, and loss, and unknowns, our family still chooses love. And we celebrate the fact that this love is made possible only through the unconditional love God has shown us.
I don't know what tomorrow will hold and I don't know what chaos may erupt the day after, but tomorrow for many reasons our family will celebrate. We celebrate the love that brought our family together, the love that holds or family together, and the love that's been freely, and continually, and unconditionally given to all of us.
