Darkness and Light

I don't know about anyone else, but this Christmas season I feel the weight of brokenness and darkness like I never have before.  The horrendous acts that have taken place in our world over the last few months have been a constant reminder of how we are a broken people living in a fallen world.  What has been worse at times are the hateful words and actions that have come in response, especially from those who should be expressing love.  It seems that the darkness of our world is so obvious and prevalent right now; and while it all weighs so heavy on my heart, it also brings an even greater significance to what it is we remember and celebrate this time of year.

When Justin and I were in Jerusalem several years ago we were able to visit Bethlehem. On one of the walls of a church was a plaque  with the saying, "When dark is the world today, this child brings the world the light." I've enjoyed reflecting on the meaning of this every Christmas season since then, but with each passing year the truth of this statement seems to carry even more significance.  Our world is full of darkness, but light was brought to us thousands of years ago in the form of a baby boy.  And not just light, but hope, and peace, and love, and grace.

Tomorrow we will meet with Jack and Hank's birth mom for their yearly visit. To be honest, I dread this every year. There's a lot of reasons as to why I dread it. One is that it's just awkward. It's just an uncomfortable situation that I don't look forward to being in. Another is that it's a strong reminder of the brokenness and hurt in Jack and Hank's past. They're pretty unaware of things now, but I know as they get older there will be more questions and I'm afraid of the further hurt that they will experience when those questions are answered. I wish we could move further and further away from their past, but these visits seem to keep us connected to it.  But the biggest reason of all is quite honestly that I'm selfish and don't want to extend grace to someone I feel is undeserving of it. To be honest I find myself angry with her whenever she comes to mind. Both boys may experience the consequences of her choices and actions for the rest of the their lives through either mental, physical, or emotional issues.  It's easy for me to blame her for the stress, turmoil, and financial strain that exists in our home. I wish as time went on there would be more separation from her, but I know it will actually be opposite of that as Jack and Hank's questions and awareness of things increases.

When we originally signed all the documents and contracts with the state of Washington, their birth mom opted out of yearly visits. For whatever reason she signed away her right to meet with them.  Therefore we had no legal obligation to meet with her ever again.  A few months later we were contacted by a social worker to let us know that she had changed her mind and wanted to know if we would be willing to still do visits. My initial thought was, "Ha! No way!"  But as Justin and I talked about it more we knew what the right thing was to do. We knew that although she had made some terrible and life altering decisions in the past, she does love Jack and Hank. We knew that she had experienced a horrific amount of pain in her own past and was operating out of the pattern that had been set for her life. So we decided to do the yearly visits. But to be honest, because we are not contracted with the state to do so I find myself wanting to find some reason or excuse to cancel every year. Although those reasons I just mentioned were what caused us to agree to visits, I often forget them and want to find any reason to stop allowing her to see the boys. 

But then comes grace. Not the grace I show others, because I far to often fail at that, but the grace that has been shown to me over and over and over.  I still listen to podcasts from the pastor we had in Washington and one thing he often says is that what God has done to us and for us, he wants to do through us. I am a person who has been forgiven for much and has been shown an enormous amount of grace. If I refuse to show grace and love to others, such as their birth mom, then what does that say about the God I worship? What does that say to Him, and what does that say to others about Him?  This is a very small example and something I honestly have a hard time doing. Like I said, most days I do not have a gracious heart towards her and I feel anger rather than love. But when I try to take just a small amount of all the grace that I have been shown and show that to another person, it does help make it a little easier. In fact, that's the only thing I think that makes it possible. 

Friends, we live in a broken and fallen world. Sometimes the darkness seems so powerful it's as if I can physically feel the weight of it.  But for those of us who claim to follow Christ, we know that there is light and hope. And just as Jesus came into the darkness to bring light, we are to go and do the same. What he has done for us he wants to do through us. He has shown us grace and love and he wants to use us to show his grace and love to a broken and hurting world. Whether that be a family member, a coworker, a neighbor, a person of different race or faith, a widow, an orphan, or who ever comes to mind, we are called to show grace as we have been shown grace. I know it's easier to do otherwise, and being a parent has shown me how much I need help in extending grace. But I firmly believe that if we are not taking the light God has brought to our own lives and trying to share it with those around us, then we are waisting our time on earth.

This time of year we remember the light and hope and love that Jesus brought to our world when it desperately needed it. And although we eagerly await the day when he will return and make all things new, the light and hope he brought thousands of years ago is still here. It is hard to see at times, but it is in those times that we can either add to the darkness or bring light and love to it. How has God shown you grace and mercy? How does he want to use that to show others grace and mercy through you?  There are countless ways God has continually shown me the grace I do not deserve and these last few months I've been thinking of ways that I can show that to others. So tomorrow, even though I don't really want to, we'll go meet with Jack and Hank's birth mom and ask that God continues to bring light to once was a dark situation.

Hoping and Remembering

A little over a month ago I was able to take the boys out to the camp we went to last year as a family.  It takes place outside of Salem twice a year and I wanted to go to see some of the staff and families who were a part of the camp the week we were there.  I have been wanting to write about our experience there and some of the things we learned ever since we attended last year, but through lack of time or brain power could never find the words to sum up that week.  Although I still find it difficult to put that week or our journey since then into words, going back to revisit that camp brought a couple thoughts to mind.

Driving out to the camp with the boys was weird.  I suddenly felt all the emotions, fears, and hopelessness I had felt the day we originally drove out there over a year ago.  I remembered all we were going through at that time as well as how incredibly difficult and challenging things got once we came home from camp due to all the attachment therapy we were doing with the boys.  I honestly almost began to feel sick as I remembered how stretching and breaking that time was for us.  However once I arrived at the camp I was also overwhelmed with all the amazing and life changing things that take place there for so many families.  I remembered how we were given hope and a plan.  I remembered how for the first time we finally knew that we were not alone in this adoption and attachment journey.  I remembered how the struggles that Justin and I had that many parents never understood were finally validated and how healing it was to be in a room full of people who "got it." I remembered the opportunities the families were given to laugh together, which is something that up until that point had not taken place in many of those homes.  And I remembered the sacrifices and love the amazing staff gave to be there to pour into the broken and hurting families.

It ended up being so great to be able to go back out to that camp, and the feelings I drove away with after talking with some staff and families was completely opposite of the feelings I had while driving in.  I drove away with such a sense of joy over how far our family and our boys have come since then.  I drove away with a strong sense of thankfulness and gratitude for being able to attend that camp.  And I drove away with a renewed hope as I was reminded that, even though it is hard to see on the day to day level, Jack and Hank have made tremendous strides in their healing since last year and will continue to do so.  I was reminded how important two aspects are to our faith and our journey through life; hope and remembrance.

When we first arrived at camp last year, Justin and I, along with many of the other parents, were in a place of near hopelessness.  Many of these parents had given all their time, money, love, and energy to the children they brought into their homes only to have it rejected.  Many of us had tried all we could at that point and still had no idea how to raise these children we had been given.  At that point Justin and I had had the boys with us for a few years, and as things continued to get more difficult rather than better, we were definitely at a place of losing hope.  When I went back out to revisit the camp I was able to spend some time with two moms who were also at the camp we attended last year and who had come back to help on staff.  It was amazing to see the difference in them.  They were smiling, they seemed less stressed, and their eyes had a glimmer to them that I didn't see a year ago.  And they said the same thing about me.  We shared how our kids were doing and I realized that none of us had "arrivied."  Through the stories we shared it was evident that all our kids still had a lot of healing to do and that we were all facing daily struggles with that.  Our kids and our families weren't suddenly fixed and we all still knew the road ahead was long and challenging.  BUT, we all now had hope.  Hope is a powerful thing.  It truly is an anchor for our souls that keep us grounded and steady through the storms we encounter.  Without hope we are lost, but with hope we are given joy and peace.  There were still a lot of trials that we shared with each other, but we now had the ability to hope in what we have not yet seen, and as the book of Romans puts it, to wait for it with patience.  Obviously this is not a hope we put in ourselves or own strength, but a hope desperate for God and His grace.  All this has shown me how much we all need hope in our lives, but furthermore how important it is to be in community with others so that we can help instill hope in those who have lost sight of it.

Some days it is easy to feel as if things will never get easier.  During those times its easy to forget the progress that has been made and only focus on the fears and unknowns for the future.  However, by stopping and remembering to look back over the last few years is something that continues to give me hope as well as point to God's grace and goodness.  Its not an issue of looking back and thinking, "well at least things aren't as bad as they once were," but rather being aware of God's work and presence in our lives.  I'll be honest, with all that has taken place over the last several years and with some of the struggles we still face, it is easy at times to be pretty discouraged.  But, when I remember all that God has continued to bring us through, despite how difficult it is at times, I'm brought to a place of gratitude.  Yes things still are pretty rough at times, but God has been faithful and has continued to show us grace.  I remember times of yelling out to God and asking Him, "Where are you?!" because it seemed that in that moment He had left me on my own, but by looking back on that time and remembering, I can clearly see that it was His grace alone that got me through it. When I focus on the aspects that are still difficult I am unable to see how far our boys have come.  But when I remember all that God has done, no matter how tough of a journey its been, our story and testimony cry out of His goodness.  When I'm in the thick of hard times I can look back over the past and still find the ability to praise God for His goodness.  And more importantly, that can hopefully point others to His goodness and greatness as well.  Not because this journey has been easy, but because it has been full of grace and redemption.

Sometimes hope is lost and the future looks bleak.  But when we remember God's goodness in the past, no matter how dark of a time it shone through, I believe we are then given hope to keep going and keep trusting. Remembering and telling the works of God not only gives us hope in God, but gives others the opportunity to see His goodness and hope in Him as well.  The story of the Morris family over the past few years has a lot of pain and struggles, as is the same for many other families, but our story over all is one that cries out of hope and of grace that not only reminds us of God's goodness but hopefully points others to it as well.