And we're... waiting.

My goodness. I don't know what it is with us and waiting, but that's all we've been doing lately. We finally got some news today, but up until this point its been a lot of waiting and not a lot of information.

After not hearing anything back for several days, we finally heard from Youth For Christ about a week before Christmas. All they could tell us was that the person at the state who does the licensing approval had gone on vacation until January 1 and hadn't gotten to our file before she left, which meant we would have to wait until after New Year's to hear anything at all. She said normally it doesn't take this long, but for some reason it was just taking a long time for us. Hmmm... Anyway, at first I was really disappointed. I was hoping to have them here at Christmas or at least meet them by then. Furthermore, I wasn't scheduled to work at all beginning January 2 because I thought I would need that time to be at home with them. That was frustrating because I know I need to be working as much as possible until we have them. But, after all my anger and frustration subsided, I was able to see that maybe it was a blessing we were going to have to wait a little longer in that Justin and I could have a nice and peaceful Christmas together before things get crazy. And as far as work goes, I just couldn't let myself worry about that and trust that God would work it all out.

Today I heard from Youth For Christ again and was told that they had just heard from the state. Although we still have to wait until after the 1st to be officially licensed, the state did say that everything is approved and complete. Therefore, YFC told us that we should have the boys here by mid January! I don't know exactly what the transition will look like or any exact dates, but there is a time in site now. We were told that we should hear about our license this coming Monday.

So now its off to get another crib...

Take 'er easy...

So over the last week we have sort of had to switch gears and slow down our thinking a little. When we first got the call about the boys I was thinking within days they would be in our home. However, that's not how its gone so far. We were able to talk with Youth For Christ more this last Thursday. At that time we got some more information on the boys and were told that their state social worker would be looking at our application and we would hopefully hear something back on Monday (today). At first I just figured that everyone else would have the same eagerness as we do, but it turns out they are wanting to take things a little slower. Right now the boys are in a safe foster home. It's not going to be their permanent home, but they are in a good place. Their social worker wants to be sure that the next home they are placed in will be the family they are adopted into if the need arises. The older boy has already been in three different homes, so understandably they want to place him in a home he will not just have to move out of again. So, although we are waiting once again, we understand their need to take their time and are trying to wait patiently.

On Thursday we were told we would hopefully get some news today, and now today has come and gone and there is no news. It's frustrating working on the state's timeline, but we just keep trying to slow down remember its all for a reason. You would think that after almost 5 years of waiting for children that it would get easier, but it doesn't. Waiting still stinks and doesn't make much sense in our minds at the present time. But hopefully one day we'll look back and be thankful for God's weird and difficult timing.

So on one hand we're trying to take it easy and be patient, and on the other hand I'll continue to wait eagerly by the phone.

News!

This last Friday I received a message from Youth for Christ saying that although our license has not come through yet, they had a possible placement in mind for us. Or, should I say "placements." I called back and spoke with one of the placement coordinators who explained that sometimes a good match is found before a couple receive their license. So when that happens they call the state and have that couple's file pushed through so it can get approved right away. She told me there was no pressure and we could feel free to say no, but there are two siblings who they thought would be a good match for us.

They are two little boys; the older one 14 months and the younger 5 or 6 months (I called her after she was off work and did not have their file right in front of her). Obviously that is very close in age and they were both born premature, but are doing well now as far as they can tell. She filled me in on their medical history and told me that they are in the process of moving towards needing to be adopted. We talked for awhile and I told her I would fill Justin in and get back to her first thing in the morning.

I called and left Justin a rather long message telling him everything I knew and he called back a few hours later to say we should go for it! We talked more when he got home and prayed about it that night. I called her first thing the next day and left a message to say that we wanted to move forward with this.

That was Saturday, which was obviously her weekend. I called again later that afternoon, but didn't want to harass her on her days off, so decided to wait to call again until Monday morning. We had so many questions though! How soon? How much do they weigh (to determine clothing size, diaper size, car seat size, etc.)? What's the timeline? What does the process look like? How soon? What are their needs? Where are they? Did I say how soon? I wanted all those questions answered right away and wanted to go shopping right away. But, once again, we needed to be patient. This all has been a long process, but this weekend has felt like eternity.

I spoke with her this morning and now we are waiting to hear what the state is going to do. The waiting was hard before, but now that we have two wonderful names, it is even more difficult. Also, hearing how things work we realize that the state could have come up with a different plan for them before our names even got to their desk.

There's not a whole lot more we know than that. There were several reasons why they thought we would be a good match, but one was that I explained in our application how I wanted to be home as much as possible once we had a child or children in our home. Both of these little boys have already been through a lot and need some stability and a lot of love and attention. It is not guaranteed that they will end up needing to be adopted, although that is what we are already hoping for. But, right now they need love and they need a home and we can provide both. So, even though the end result is not known or guaranteed, we can't argue the logic of loving two children who need to be cared for despite how short or long they are with us.

Please pray with us that we will hear more very very soon.

More Waiting

Man, I have gotten pretty bad at updating this in a timely fashion. Sorry. So, our home inspection went very well. Mainly, it was so to look around and be sure everything would be safe for a child and to be sure we had all the odds and ends that taken care of (fire extinguisher, escape ladder, vitamins and prescriptions locked up, outlets plugged, etc.). Then, for the remaining time we were just asked lots of questions. At that point she said that everything looked really good and looked ready so she was going to finish up our file and get it sent off to the state for its final approval. A couple days later I received an email that said our file had been sent off. At that point we were told we could hear something back in 3 weeks to 2 months. That was about 3 weeks ago. So, now we are back to waiting. Once again, I am working on patience. :)

Yikes

Last week I called Youth For Christ to see if they had heard anything else about my clearance. They got back to me a short time later and said they are ready to do our home inspection...now. So, tomorrow (October 28) at 6pm someone will come to our house to meet and talk with us, inspect our home, and go through a long check list of qualifications for the state. I never feel like things are clean enough, so this should be fun.

Please pray that everything passes...and that we do to.

Waiting

Well, once again its been awhile because once again there hasn't been a lot to update. The latest news was that Justin's fingerprint clearance and background check had all gone through, but they are still waiting on mine. They usually come back together, but I guess there was some sort of computer problem that made the system release some of the clearances, but not others. They said mine should just be a few days behind his. That was about 3 weeks ago. So here we are another month gone by and still waiting. It's easy to lose hope when there's more waiting than there is progress, but we also try to keep reminding ourselves that God's timing is perfect and He has a reason for all of this taking so stinking long. That's all for now, hopefully more to come soon.

What if?

Sorry its been so long, but there hasn't been much to update everyone on. We are still waiting for our clearance to come through. After that we have our home study, and after that, who knows? The waiting isn't always horrible, but does sometimes leave a runaway trail of thoughts. For example: What if this is going to be harder than what we're prepared for? What if it doesn't work out like we're hoping it will? What if we have no idea how to be parents or care for this child? What if we have to give him/her back? What if family or friends don't approve of the decisions we make? What if this ends up causing more heartache? What if, what if, what if.

I know those are just fears and I know God has a plan. I guess sometimes all the waiting makes it hard to believe there's an end in sight, and harder to beleive it will all be positive. I know God gives people what they need for what He's called them to do and I know His plan is always better than what we can ever dream of or hope for. But, its one thing to "know" and another thing to "act." What I'm learning during this time (yet still doing a terrible job at changing) is how much I forget to talk to God and instead try to handle things on my own. All the "what if's" come up and I try to come up with a logical answer to all of them rather than turning them over the the God who has all the answers. Silly, I know.

But, thankfully when I finally wisen up there's a loving and patient God waiting to help and willing to forgive me for thinking I can do it all on my own. The "what if's" are still there in that they are all possible outcomes, but they don't rule our thoughts or keep us from moving forward. There are so many unknowns, but right now we're just working on being content with the fact that God does know. Key word is "working" on it. So, we'll keep working on it and see where it takes us.

What the...?

I do not know how people who do not have their lives entrusted to God are able to stay sane. I can't imagine the ball of stress and crazy person I would be if I felt like I was the one in charge of my life.

It's seems like for quite some time Justin and I have been doing a lot of waiting and our questions have been answered with a lot of silence. We have not heard a lot as far as how our clearance is coming along. Any career or job I've tried to pursue in regards to teaching has also been void of any answer or direction. When Justin was promoted we finally felt like that was a way of God directing us to where we will move next and what He has planned for us next. So, we started making plans off of that. We started looking at places to live in Seattle and I started to look or jobs in that area.

Well, then on one day I received two voice mails within the same hour. The first one was from a school that needs a full time teacher and was wanting to meet with me. The second message was from Youth For Christ to let us know that our clearance is only abut three weeks out and that it will soon be time to schedule our home inspection.

All great news, right? Well, with Justin's schedule being as crazy as it is, if I took a full time teaching job we would never see each other. Then if we are cleared in less than one month, we could have a child placed in our home shortly after that. Furthermore, if we are cleared and then move, we will have to do the home inspection over again. But, is it possible to move in such short amount of time?

I was so stressed because it seemed that after not having any direction or options for months, there were suddenly too many before us. I couldn't see how it would all possibly work out and I had no idea what decision I was supposed to make.

Then I was reminded of something by my wonderful husband. It's not up to me. God has it all figured out and is going to work all this out as well. He knows where we're going to live, He knows when we need to move, and He knows what kind of job I will or will not have. These huge decisions are not up to me, because I am not the one in control of my life, God is. God is in control, so I don't have to be. What a freeing knowledge that is to be able to cling to and rest in. I can't wait to see how He works all this out.

Promotion

So, sometimes it seems like there isn't that much to update you all on. Sometimes it seems like the process is moving so slow and it's hard to believe that we are actually moving along. But, when I remember to look at the bigger picture and all that God is doing, it is easier to see the work that is being done and the steps that are being taken.

Recently Justin was promoted to a manager at Trader Joe's. This is something he's been moving towards for awhile and something we've been waiting on. It's a lot of work and as soon as he was promoted he was transferred to a store in Seattle. When the option first became available to him, we weren't sure if he should go for it or not. But, the more we thought about it, the more it seemed like a way that God was providing for us. One of the main reasons Justin decided to take this promotion was because it would allow me to not have to work as much once we have a child placed in our home. As a mom, I would love to be able to be home as much as possible. But, when it's foster care, it's even more of a need. Depending on the child's situation he or she could have multiple appointments every week that he or she needs to be taken to. Also, the child could have extra needs or may be going through a difficult transition that could make it even more important to be home as much as possible to give as much stability and routine as we can.

Months ago we were really counting on this job promotion for a lot of reasons. Then things with his work and the promotion started to slow down right around the time that we were done doing all we could with the foster care approval process and entered the time of waiting. For a while it seemed like nothing was moving along and we had hit another closed door. Then, when we had finally given the whole job thing back to God and reminded ourselves that a promotion wasn't going to be our salvation, but God alone can take care of us, is when the promotion came (go figure).

Not much has happened with the approval process. There's a lot of waiting and not a lot of news. But, this promotion was a reminder that God has a plan and has a timing for everything. It was a reminder that He is taking care of us and providing for us and clearing a path for us. We still don't know a lot or know what will happen next week or next month, but we know that God has brought us one step closer to what we've been hoping for and are working towards. It's hard to be patient when there is so much that is unknown, but we know that God has it all figured out. It's scary to look forward, but its peaceful to look back and see what God is doing. He hasn't shown us the end result yet. But, He's laid one more rock down in the unclear waters for us to step out on and we'll see where that takes us.

Good Friends

Last week Justin and I went to say goodbye (well, hopefully "see you later") to some good friends who are moving away. Sometimes friends come into your life who you just know are a gift from God for many reasons. These friends were exactly that. They were the first people we met when we first moved to Washington and they invited us into their home and lives right away. No matter how often or seldom we saw them, we always felt right at home with them and were always able to be real with them and be ourselves. When you're in a new place and away from friends and family and everything else that is familiar, I can't tell you how important that is. Having them in our lives is one of the things that really helped make our transition up here easier.

These friends were a gift for several reasons, one being what we were able to learn from them. They went through a situation where they took a baby into their home who they were hoping to become a part of their family, but the end result was not what they originally planned for. Throughout all the trials and unimaginable heartache they went through, they remained an example of The Gospel at work. They found peace in the redemption of a family being restored back together. They showed others Christ-like love when many would have chosen to do the opposite. They saw the importance of the bigger picture, even when it meant sacrificing what they longed for. Seeing what they went through and how they allowed God to use them during that time gives me hope for whatever we may encounter through this process. They were an example of what the Gospel looks like lived out in our daily lives.

They also gave me peace in another way. As we were discussing some of what happened with that situation they brought up how the love they had for that child and bond they shared could not have been any greater, and it did not make a difference at all whether she was their biological child or not. The passion behind their voices when they made that statement is something that has really stuck with me. So many times you hear things like how great it is to look at your child that is half you and half your spouse, or how a woman's greatest gift is to give birth to her child. Now, there is no doubt in my mind that those things are true, but when I hear them I wonder if it will be anything less because that child won't be half me and half Justin or if I will be missing out on some bond because I did not carry and birth that child. I know that doesn't sound great and I feel bad that I even have had those thoughts, but I said I would be honest. However, hearing their words and seeing their love, I knew that those things did not make a difference. I was reminded that whatever way God chooses to bring us children will be perfect. And in the end it will not matter how they came into our lives and the bond and love we have for them will not be any less significant.

God is so great at providing for our needs and always does so in amazing ways. In this case it was through the gift of some great friends and for that I am incredibly grateful.

Grace

One of the things we have to do in the licensing process is get fingerprinted. Now, this isn't the kind of fingerprinting where you can just walk in and get it taken care of whenever you want, but you have to make an appointment far out in advance.

Usually I'm good at keeping appointments, remembering things I'm supposed to do, and being on time. However the day I had my fingerprint appointment, I completely forgot about it. Justin and I were having a nice morning together at home before we had to go to work later that afternoon. We were getting some things done around the house when all of a sudden "Fingerprints!" popped into my head. I ran to the calendar to see when my appointment was, and I was supposed to be there in about 13 minutes. My first thought was that I would have to cancel, but not knowing how soon I could make another appointment, or even if I could reschedule, I knew I needed to try to make it. I ran to the computer to google the address and it said it would take me about 10 minutes to get there. On my way out the door I turned around to go grab my passport. I "knew" I had my drivers license in my purse, but wasn't sure if I would need more than one form of ID so I decided to bring it. I went speeding towards my appointment only to zoom past a police officer who thankfully decided not to turn around after me. I didn't have time to grab our GPS before I left so I was only relying on an address. By the time I got close I was already 5 minutes late and was worried I was going to lose my appointment. I had no idea where I was going and after awhile I was sure I missed the building. So I went to do a U-turn at the next stoplight only to see a big No U-Turn sign. I turned down the road I was forced to take to see a barrier that kept me from being able to turn around until I reached the end of the driveway. Angrily, I sped towards the end so I could turn back and to my surprise, there was the building where my appointment was. Once I got into the building I was asked for my drivers license. I opened my purse to find that I had left my wallet sitting on the table at home. Thankfully I had my passport.

In the end, it all worked out. As I was driving back home(much slower this time), I couldn't help but see God's grace through the whole situation. He reminded me of my appointment in just the right amount of time, He put the thought in my head to grab my passport, He allowed me to not get pulled over when I was speeding without my drivers license, He took me down the right driveway when I had no idea where I was going, and He made the office slow enough that day that I did not lose my appointment.

Sometimes it's so easy to look for God in all the big things, that we don't see how involved He is in all the little details of our lives as well. It was so evident how He took care of me and provided for me through that whole situation. He loves us enough to not just come and go in our lives when we have a huge need, but to be with us every minute of every day. I can't even comprehend how amazing it is that the Creator of the universe cares so much about every little detail of my life. It's more grace than I know what to do with, but thankfully He still keeps on giving it.

Choices

So with foster care/adoption there are several different options you have for being licensed, and broken down within those options are several other choices and decisions. You can be licensed for respite care, receiving care, short term foster are, long term foster care, or foster-to-adopt. Then within each of those there's age, gender, ethnicity, number of children, health issues, special needs, etc. Depending on the type of care you are licensed for, a child placed in your home can be one who just entered foster care or be one who has been in the system for quite some time. Or, that specific child may be new to foster care, but has siblings who have been in the system for a long time so therefore there may be more information avaliablbe on that child and his or her situation. Got all that?

All of this is supposed to be decided on one way or another. You can be as specific or not specific as you want. For us it comes down to what we desire for ourselves and having a family and also what we feel God may be calling us to do. When we have so many choices and outcomes in front of us and have such a deep desire to have a family, it is much easier to look at what could be the easiest and safest route and go with that. But, at the same time we believe God has called us to this for a reason and we know that does not always mean that things are going to be easy.

Right now we're trying to find the balance between praying specifically for what we hope for and also being open to God stretching us. The selfish part of me hopes for the smoothest situation possible and at times I find myself asking God to work miracles to make that happen. But, I also know that He may have a plan that I can't even see or comprehend, but will be so much better than what I am hoping for right now.

So when you all are praying for us, feel free to pray specifically, but also please pray that we will be open to whatever God's direction may be. Pray that we will be bold in what we ask of God and that we would believe He can do all we ask and more, but also pray that we will trust in His plan and not our own. Please pray that God will prepare our hearts for whatever He has.

Everything that has turned out "not as planned" in my life has been such a blessing because God's plan has always been better. I thank God all the time that He loves me enough to not give me what I think I want, but to give me what He knows is best for me. I know it will be the same with this and all the decisions and choices and possible outcomes there are, but I also know we will need prayer for God's grace along the way.

Why We're Doing What We're Doing

A short time after we moved to Washington I met a woman who had two foster children she was attempting to adopt. She would often tell me about the great program she was going through and eventually I found out it was with Youth For Christ. It turns out that Youth For Christ in Tacoma not only has several amazing ministries, but is also a state licensed foster agency. Through hearing this woman's experiences I became more and more interested and she invited me and Justin to an annual banquet to learn more about the program. It was at that time that we were hooked. We heard stories from family after family of how God had taken brokeness and brought restoration to several children and families. We began to see that this could be God's plan for our family as well. It was at that time that adoption was no longer "Plan B," but became our desire and what we believed God was calling us to.

However, time went by before we officially commited ourselves to this. There always seemed to be a reason to wait; not enough money, not enough time, not enough certainty, not enough... Basically what it came down to was not enough faith. We finally realized that it was not up to us to open or close this door, but up to God. We had a lot of fear and a lot of unknowns, but we still felt that we were supposed to pursue this. We needed to step out in faith and leave the rest up to God.

So a few months ago we began filling out all the paperwork. We then went to several trainings to learn about how the whole process works. We submitted all our paperwork and we are now waiting for our background checks to be cleared.

Right now we believe this is what God is directing us to do. We know there may be a lot of ups and downs and we know that things may not even turn out like we are picturing them right now. But, we do know that God always does what is good, what is right, and what is perfect. We have experienced times when we didn't understand why things weren't going according to our plans only to find that God had something so much better for us. When Justin and I were married, my cousin read a poem during the ceremony. One of the main reasons we chose it was beause the last line read, "God's plans put man's best dreams to shame." We have seen this evident in our past and we know it will be just as evident through the ways that he brings us a family. We know the hopes and dreams we have now do not even compare to how amazing all He has planned will be. We have peace in knowing that God's plan always has been and always will be so much better than anything we could have imagined. We know that someday we will see how God's plan for us to have a family was so ordained and so perfect that we will be thankful it didn't happen any other way.

The Beginning

Over 4 years ago we decided that we were ready to "pull the goalie" as Justin said and begin our journey towards having a family. After some time we moved from not preventing, to trying, then on to wondering. A lot has happened since then, and we are now in the process of becoming licensed foster-to-adopt parents. I've thought of starting a blog for a few months now for several reasons. The main reason is to just share this journey with those who wish to follow and be a part of it. Maybe some of it will be therapeutic as well in that I am sure this will be a trial some process for us. I've also thought that it may be helpful for someone reading it who is going through a similar experience and to know that he or she is not alone. And eventually, my hope in all this is to share how God worked amazing miracles to give us the children He has always had planned for us. So, because of all that this will be a pretty open and honest blog. I guess that's my intro, now here we go...