"A" Day

Wow-over six months since my last post.  Shocker.  There have been so many days when something has happened or I've learned something through this process that I've really wanted to share and write about.  But, like most things I want/intend to do these days I actually do roughly 6% (maybe 6 1/2%) of them.  However that is better than my rate of 0%  a few months ago, so looks like things are on the upswing.  Here's to better days. Anyway...

Tomorrow, December 30, is the three year anniversary of the day we adopted the boys.  Whenever this time of year comes around I end up reflecting on that day and time in our lives.  While that day was a very important day and one that we anticipated and celebrated, it was also in a sense a day we took very seriously and had mixed emotions about.

We had had the boys with us for a little over ten months at that time.  Although they had been with us for nearly a year, we were still considered their foster parents.  This meant that although they were in our care primarily, they still did not "belong" to us, they were not yet seen as "our" children.  They were not yet "Jack" and "Hank."  We didn't get to make major decisions regarding their care, or even smaller ones such as getting hair cuts without permission.  We did not have a lot of the freedoms and choices that most parents have with their children since the day they're born.  Once the papers were signed however, that all changed.  They were now officially Jack Louis Morris and Hank Richard Morris.  We finally had the rights and choices of "normal" parents.  We could make our own decisions about things like which doctors we wanted them to see or not see.  We could take them to go visit family without having to get permission from the state and have paperwork signed off.  Suddenly they were seen as ours and we were seen as their parents.  We were officially a family.  That's a huge reason why we will always celebrate that day.  We are by far not the best parents in the world, but I believe Jack and Hank were officially given a new future that day.  They were brought into a huge family with grandparents, and great grand parents, and aunts and uncles, and great aunts and great uncles, and cousins, and friends who all love them so much.  The cycle of past generations was broken and we were given two sons.  So we remember and we celebrate.

Before that court date we also were not necessarily completely committed to them.  We were in our hearts and our intentions, but before we walked into that court room we still had the choice to change our minds.  Now I know that sounds like a really weird thing to say.  Like I said, we had no intention of doing that.  However, during that time we were really struggling.  As I mentioned earlier, the boys had been with us for nearly a year and during that time we had been through a lot with them.  There were intense medical issues that had us in multiple appointments every week in different cities at different children's hospitals.  There was no time for sleep or much else.  There was also a lot of behavior issues with one of the boys that I honestly had a hard time knowing how to love him through.  The longer he was with us the harder things had gotten, and not the other way around.  There were a lot of unanswered questions regarding these behavior issues and their health and we knew that a lot of time, money, and sacrifice would be required of us in the future.  We also knew that things would be asked and required of us that we couldn't anticipate; that we were signing up for the unknown.  There were some pretty rough nights in our house leading up to that day and there were times when Justin and I looked at each other and asked ourselves if we could really handle it, if we had what it took to be their parents.  When we walked into that court room that day, it was an exciting day and a happy day, but it was also in a sense a somber day.  We had not come out of the rough times, but were still in the very thick of it.  That day Justin and I stood together with some of our family and two of our closest friends and promised that no matter what happened, through sickness and health, good and bad, we would do our best to love these boys and forever be their mom and dad.  And to be completely honest, there have been times when remembering that commitment has been what has kept me going.  Even though parts of that day were scary for what we were committing ourselves to, the fact that we were still in a very rough place with them but still promising to always love and care for them, in a sense makes that day even more beautiful to me.  Just as Justin and I take very seriously the vows we made to always love and care for each other,  we remember the promise we made to our boys and that keeps us going when things get rough.  And so for those reasons too, we celebrate.

And now to be completely honest, the last few days have been some of the most difficult with Jack that we have ever had.  More difficult than when he first came, more difficult than the pouching process with him, and I'm at a loss as what to do.  But I know below the layers of the difficult behavior, the layers of rage, and the layers of spite, is a little boy who is broken and in need of love.  And so that is what (very imperfectly) we continue to try to do.  I know that in some of my posts I'm very open and honest about some of our struggles throughout this whole journey, and people have actually asked me if that's a good idea or not since one day the boys may read this.  My intent has always been to be open and honest just in case someone ever read this who also was struggling in these areas or knew someone who has.  My hope in writing has always been to take what we have experienced and are continually learning to maybe help others who are going through something similar.  But as I was earlier debating about whether or not to mention our current struggles with Jack, another thought occurred to me.  Maybe he will read this one day, and maybe it will help him understand our love for him on an even deeper level.  Jack is funny and caring, he sees the things Justin and I enjoy doing and he shows interest in them, he is excited about life and I love him for all those things.  Also, he can make things really really difficult, and I choose to love him still.  I don't just love him and care for him because he is good, or what he can do for me, or how he makes me feel.  I love him because he is my son.  Now I don't love him perfectly, I'm definitely human and I have made plenty of  mistakes.  But I try to love him on good days and bad days, and I will always will.  I hope that someday if he ever questions my love for him, maybe knowing how much we loved him through the rough times will show him how deep our love truly is for him.  Maybe him reading this and knowing that even when he told me he didn't want me, I told him I still wanted him, will maybe help him see how much he truly is loved.  Not because he's perfect or did anything to earn it, but because he's our son.  And in that I obviously hope he sees the bigger picture, that there is Someone who loves him even better than I do.  That there is a God who made him, planned for him and loves him completely unconditionally.  That he doesn't have to do anything to earn God's love, but is already completely loved and nothing can ever change that.  Although I have been far from perfect in showing love, I still hope that my love for Jack can be an example of how great God's love is for him.  And then I think of us all, how below our layers of anger, and greed, and lies, and hurt, and emptiness, we are all like Jack, needing to be loved with a kind and unconditional love.  And that love has been given to us, not because of what we've done to earn it, but because God simply chooses to love us.  Through greater sacrifice than I'll ever know, God has shown His love for us.  So tomorrow, even though it may be another rough day, still we will celebrate.  Not because we've conquered and made it through the worst, not because life is finally easy, not because we're a perfect family, but for something much deeper.  We celebrate the fact that through tears, and stress, and hurt, and loss, and unknowns, our family still chooses love.  And we celebrate the fact that this love is made possible only through the unconditional love God has shown us.  

I don't know what tomorrow will hold and I don't know what chaos may erupt the day after, but tomorrow for many reasons our family will celebrate. We celebrate the love that brought our family together, the love that holds or family together, and the love that's been freely, and continually, and unconditionally given to all of us.

What is Attachment Disorder?

I imagine a lot of people have wondered why our boys need such an extreme form of therapy right now.  In fact, I'm actually sure of it as I sit and recall a lot of the things that have been said to us over the years as we've voiced our fears about many of the behaviors of Jack and Hank.  We've heard things like, "boys will be boys," "all kids do that," "just ignore it," "well, my kid does...," and a lot more.  While these comments were always meant to be harmless and most likely helpful, to me they just always showed that people truly didn't understand what was taking place in our home, the grave concern we had for our children, and how difficult things were really were.  But how can anyone truly understand who isn't in the midst of it and experiencing it?  Heck, we didn't even know all the problems our boys had or how to help them for so long, so how would others really know the gravity of it all?  I'm definitely not an expert in this area, but I'll share a little of what we learned at camp and have continued to learn since we've been home. (All this information is obviously not my own but taken from notes from camp and from DVD's and CD's we watched and listened to since being home.  I know that's not proper MLA citing, but will hopefully free me from any plagiarism. I digress...)

An attachment disorder can occur in a child when there is a bond that has been broken between that child and his or her primary care giver, usually within the first 36 months of that child's life.  When a child has an attachment disorder he then has difficulty forming true and loving relationships.  This child will usually be unable to be GENUINELY affectionate with others ("genuine" being the key word here).  He will be very sweet and charming to strangers, but unloving to his own parents.  Often times this child does not develop a conscience and does not trust others.  Because he does not trust others, he does not allow others to control (parent) him.  A child with an attachment disorder will lack empathy, cause and effect thinking, and the ability to feel the consequence of his actions.  As a young child this is difficult enough, but to think of a child growing into an adult who lacks empathy and does not have the ability to care about what his actions do to others is beyond scary.

There is a list of risk factors that can cause an attachment disorder and then there is a list of symptoms that will appear in these children.  To be diagnosed with attachment disorder a child needs to have been exposed to one of the risks and have at least half of the symptoms, obviously not just one or two of them.

The list of risk factors is:
     -Maternal ambivalence toward pregnancy
     -Inutero trauma, drugs, alcohol exposure
     -Premature birth
     -Abuse
     -Neglect
     -Sudden separation from primary caregiver
     -Undiagnosed or continual painful illness
     -Inconsistent or inadequate day care
     -Chronic maternal depression
     -Several moves and/or placements (such as foster care or failed adoptions)
     -Unprepared mothers with poor parenting skills

There could be more from this list than I remember, but of these risk factors Hank checks off nine of them and Jack has eight.  Again, just one is enough to put a child at risk.

The list of symptoms in children is:
     -Superficially engaging and charming
     -Lack of eye contact on parents' terms
     -Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers
     -Not affectionate on parents' terms (not cuddly)
     -Destructive to self, others, and material things; accident prone
     -Cruelty to animals
     -Lying about the obvious
     -Stealing
     -No impulse controls
     -Learning Lags
     -Lack of cause and effect thinking
     -Lack of conscience
     -Abnormal eating patterns
     -Poor peer relationships
     -Preoccupation with fire
     -Preoccupation with blood and gore
     -Persistent nonsense questions and chatter
     -Inappropriately demanding and clingy
     -Abnormal speech patterns
     -Triangulation of adults (putting mom and against dad, or parent against teacher, etc.)
     -False allegations of abuse
     -Presumptive entitlement issues
     -Parents appear hostile angry

Jack has consistently shown he has 14 of these and for Hank right now I see about 10.  Again, in order to be diagnosed with attachment disorder a child needs to have half of these symptoms.  As kids my older siblings and I were often outside trying to find something to burn and my younger brother could out talk anyone, but that didn't mean we had an attachment disorder.  Many kids may show one of these things at some point in their lives, but a child who consistently shows a majority of them is a completely different story.

Of the previous list Hank falls a couple short of having half the symptoms, but when looking at the symptoms in infants he checks off every single one.  The list of attachment disorder symptoms in infants is:
     -Does not use crying appropriately to get someone to address a need
     -Often does not settle when needs are met by primary caregiver
     -Over reacts or often startles to touch, sound, and/or light
     -Listlessness/infant depression
     -Limited holding onto or reaching for caregiver
     -Lack of appropriate stranger anxiety between 6 and 9 months
     -Shows minimal interest in interacting with people
     -Does not smile back or respond with activity to smiles or baby talk
     -Does not follow human movement with their eyes
     -Avoids eye contact
     -Self-abusive behavior (banging head, self biting, etc.)
     -Resistant to cuddling (stiff)

When Hank was a baby he consistently showed every single one of these symptoms for quite some time.  I know he is no longer an infant and has been in a loving home for several years now, but being that he had all these symptoms for so long and we didn't know how to help him at the time, I know it still affects him in huge ways.  

The relationship between the risk factors and the symptoms is highly connected.  Trauma that is done to a child early on in life, not only effects the child's heart but physically effects the brain.  Due to all the trauma a young child may experience, that child's brain learns to function differently than a "normal" child's brain.  Most of these children now function out of the fight or flight part of the brain rather than the part of the brain that allows them to reason, think, or even laugh.  We saw actual scans done of a child's brain who had been through major trauma compared to a healthy child and the differences in the parts of the brain that were and were not functioning was astounding.  Doctor Bruce Perry, who specializes in child trauma, says that "experience changes the brain."  The point in doing attachment therapy is that although these children's brains have been so negatively changed by the horrible experiences they have encountered, that all they are positively and lovingly experiencing now will help their brains change for the better heal.

So why do I share all this?  First of all so that people may start to understand what's been going on and why we're doing what we're doing.  Second of all, which has always been my hope in this whole entire process, is that someone will benefit from what we have experienced and are going through.  Like I said before, we had no idea what our boys were really dealing with when they came to us three years ago and therefore we didn't know how we could best help them.  My hope is that maybe a few people would see that a child they have been struggling to raise, love, and understand, isn't just a "bad" child but may have an attachment disorder.  Also that these parents would see that they aren't bad parents and alone, but are among many parents who are trying to raise kids with these issues.  Throughout these past couple months I just keep asking why I didn't know all this before we adopted, and while I can't live in guilt or stay stuck on that question, I do hope that we can somehow or someday help and inform parents early on in their journey.  Thirdly, for people who have "normal" kids or don't yet have kids, but may know a parent who has adopted, does foster care, or has a biological child who has attachment disorder, my hope is that they would know this is not easy.  Now I know parenting in general is hard, no matter what kind of child you have or how many.  It's hard in different ways for every parent and I know that and acknowledge that.  However, looking at the list of symptoms and knowing that a parent is not just dealing with a child who has shown one of them (such as lying, stealing, or being awkward around others), but is trying to raise and help and heal a child who regularly acts in a way that shows over half those symptoms, my hope is that people would be understanding, gracious, and supportive to these parents.  Obviously one of the things we saw at the camp we went to is that we are not alone and that our children are not the only ones who had a rough start at life.  There are so, so many hurting, abused, neglected, children out there and there are therefore a lot of parents who are trying their best to raise these kids.

If you're a parent and see some of these risk factors and symptoms in a child of yours, it's never too late to get help.  I know it may feel like it, I know you are exhausted and hurt and tired of trying, but there is help out there.  I know it may seem like your child is beyond healing, but that isn't the truth and we heard story after story about kids much older than ours who were able to get help and heal and who now live normal and healthy lives.  If you're someone who knows a parent raising a child with these issues, just know that what you may see outside the home may not be a true picture of how difficult things are inside the home.  Know that parent is exhausted and scared and trying to do all he/she can do for that child.  Don't invalidate that parent or dismiss his or her concerns.  Just encourage that parent and ask how you can support his or her family.

For us personally what we are also finding out is that this journey of getting the boys help and trying to help them heal is far from over.  Not only does Jack have all these issues with having an attachment disorder, but he also has a mild form of cerebral palsy as well as fetal alcohol syndrome.  A lot of the attachment and bonding issues we're trying to work on during this time of "pouching," but we're seeing there is still a lot going on with him.  This could be from the cerebral palsy, or the fetal alcohol syndrome, or still some issues that are affecting his brain from his past.  We just don't know, and we're far from done, so we know the road ahead is still long.  Many of Hank's issues have actually gotten worse over the last few weeks as things have been different here and I'm sure it seems his brother is getting so much more love and attention (although we're obviously still trying to give just as much to Hank).  I know when it's time to start all this with Hank it will be a lot more difficult, but it just proves to me even more how much all this is needed and how crucial it is to get him all the help we can now.

I know I went on and on and I know my brain is very foggy, but there is a whole lot of information out there on attachment disorder.  The woman who runs these camps is Nancy Thomas and her website is attachment.org and she has a wealth of information on it as well as several books, cd's, dvd's, and more that can be purchased.  Again, if you're a parent wondering if your child has this then her website would be a great place to start.  If you know a family with a child with attachment disorder, or if you plan to do foster care or adoption, I can't express enough how important it is to educate yourself in this.  There are so many hurting children out there, but what we found at camp and are continuing to learn is that there is help and healing for them all.  They just need the adults to help them get there.

Well, I'm all out of brain power for the night.  Of course I may not have had much to begin with but oh well.  Also, I see a big spider I have to figure a way to get rid of without it making a squishy sound.  Just when you think your work for the day is done...

Why We've Fallen off the Face of the Earth

(Warning: this post contains very poor grammar and probably some thoughts that are not communicated very well.  My brain is sort of fried right now and after many attempts at writing a clear post, this is the best I've got...)

I wanted to write a post about our week at camp and all that took place there soon after we got home, but we've had our hands pretty full since then.  Even now as I've sat here and tried to write about it, I'm having a hard time finding the words and clarity to be able to communicate just a piece of what took place during the week.  And here's why, I'm tired.  Very, very, very tired.  I'll try to explain why...

We went to this camp because after three years of having Jack and Hank home with us, things have still been pretty rough.  After three years there are still significant areas of concern regarding issues of attachment, anger, and development.  After three years and feeling as though we have exhausted every parenting method, we still felt clueless as how to parent our boys.  After three years, more and more joy has been absent from our home.  While at camp, what we knew all along was finally validated- that Jack and Hank are different.  That because of all they encountered so early on in life, their brains and hearts are not healthy and normal and therefore "normal" parenting practices do not work.  This was the case with every family there, which is why they were all there as well.

Jack and Hank were the youngest of the children there, and being that they are still at such a young age a certain strategy was suggested for us called "pouching."  Basically what this means is that the child is carried around in a type of baby carrier/sling for about six weeks in order to work on attachment and bonding and all the issues that take place in a child due to the lack of those things.  There's a whole science behind it all that I honestly don't have the brain capacity to explain right now, but it was suggested for both boys for several reasons.  Attachment disorders are on a spectrum, sort of like autism or cerebral palsy, ranging from something that is barely noticeable to something incredibly extreme, and everything in between.  To be diagnosed with an attachment disorder there is a list of things that may cause it in a child, and only one of these things is enough to cause this trauma to take place.  As I sat and looked at the list I saw that Jack and Hank had not only experienced one of these factors, but several.  Experiencing violence in utero, stressful/unwanted pregnancy, drug exposure, alcohol exposure, premature birth, foster care, multiple caregivers, painful medical trauma, and painful illness are all among the list and all things that our boys did experience early on in life.  They didn't just check off one of the risk factors, but almost all of them.  We learned how all this affects the brain and how when a child's brain doesn't function right, neither can that child.  So because our boys, and all the kids there, have been through extreme and different circumstances, extreme and different ways of parenting were taught.  Like I said, the whole "pouching" thing was suggested to us early on in the week.  The lady who was doing all the teaching and instruction, and has used all these practices to help countless children, graciously took the time to coach us through getting started and to answer any of our questions.  The plan we were given was to first do this with Jack for six weeks full time, then six weeks of transition, and then do it all over again with Hank.  Jack was also evaluated by someone who specializes in something called neuro reorganization.  Again, I don't have the brain power to describe all that that entails, but he was given several exercises and things to do during the day to help heal some of the trauma that has been caused to his brain and in a sense try to redo some of the things that went wrong early on in his life.

The whole pouching thing probably sounds pretty weird to a lot of people, but there is a purpose to it and we heard several stories of how and why it works.  Jack and Hank did not experience most of all the healthy things a baby needs to experience early on in life.  These boys in a sense had a loss of their "babyhood" and this is designed to help them experience a part of that and the love, attachment, and security they didn't have during that time.  Because touch is so vital and healing to the brain and heart, it is in a way overdone for a short time.  There are several goals during this time and among the greatest is the attempt to empower the parent to try to rebuild the broken bond in the child.  When a child does not have the ability to bond first to his parents, and then to others, a whole slew of problems will continue to arise, which we are already experiencing.  Other things we were suggested to do are to have Jack sit on our laps and feed him every meal (this is to work on attachment as well as some of the food and control issues he has), have him sleep in our room and stay with him until he is asleep (this is to work on some of the anxiety he has), and to have him in the carrier about 8-10 hours each day (this is for a whole bunch of reasons).

The day after we got home we reorganized parts of our house and did all that was suggested to create a place where this "pouching" and his exercises could take place.  We were ready to go.  Justin went back to work the next day, I woke up and strapped Jack to me... and then freaked out.  This would be too much.  Where the heck was all this information over three years ago?  Why didn't anyone tell us then?  As the reality of what the next several months would look like began to set in, I became very frustrated and overwhelmed.  I kept thinking that I've already been here and experienced a lot of this with these same children.  I did the baby thing once and am now doing it again, not with a newborn baby but with the same two kids.  I've already done the sleepless nights for month after month.  I've already done the period of isolation from having a baby who is sick or screaming or needing to be fed at all hours throughout the day. Except this time its being isolated because I have a toddler strapped to me all day.  I've already been the crusty wife who is unshowered and in the same sweats every day because I don't have the time or freedom to do anything but throw some clothes on.  Except instead of being covered with a continual flow of baby projectile vomit, this time its with the sweat and snot and spit of a child.  I've already had the foggy brain for month after month where I struggle making any type of decision or even finishing my sentences.  I've already gone through this season of not getting out, not getting to go to church, not getting to take care of myself, not having energy for my husband, not having a brain- all with these same two boys.  I've already been through this time of craziness and it didn't amount to much, and now we're doing it again.  Furthermore, at this point we're three years into it.  I'm not a fresh new parent being asked to do something so difficult.  When we went to camp I felt I was at the end of all I could handle, and now I'm supposed to do this?  Why couldn't we have been given this advice when we first brought them home and were excited and ready to go, instead of when we were so worn out? Three years ago I was also in the best shape of my life.  I had the time to exercise regularly and had found an amazing chiropractor who was really helping me.  Despite a messed up back surgery, I was finally feeling pretty good and strong and had started running again and was considering being able to start racing again.  Why couldn't I had known about this then when my back and body were much healthier and these kids were much lighter?  Why now, after the boys are so much bigger and after my back has gotten worse?  Why now?  Why not three years ago when we weren't completely exhausted and burned out?  We're so tired, so broken, so weary.  Why is this being asked of us now when I feel we don't have anything left to give?  The thought just kept coming into my head that I can't do this again, I don't want to do this again, there is nothing left in me anymore to be able to do something like this.  Don't get me wrong, I love our boys and desperately want them to heal, but after three years I felt like I had reached my end and was hoping for a quick miracle.  I just kept asking "why?"

Well, I think I may be realizing why.  Had we been given this advice three years ago and had done all this then, I think people may have looked at us and had the thought, "Wow, what great parents they are." People may have made the mistake in thinking that we were capable of being good parents on our own.  People may have looked at us and seen "our" sacrifice, "our" giving, "our" strength, rather than seeing who the true source of all that is. Maybe I would have made that same mistake too.  Maybe I would have done all this then and thought I was capable of saving these boys on my own.  Maybe I would have been filled with pride at all "I" was able to do.  At this point I can honestly say that on my own I don't have an ounce left to give.  At this point there is nothing in my heart or strength that has the ability to do what we're being asked to do. Every day that we make it through this pouching thing is one hundred percent a complete act of God's work and grace and absolutely nothing on my part.  I can't even take credit for it physically because at this point I'm not in good shape and my back has become a lot weaker over the years.  Three years ago I probably would have taken some credit, maybe even one year ago I would have, but at this point I know beyond anything that it is God alone who is getting us through this.  Some would ask why God would do this, what's the point?  Well there's plenty of reasons I'm sure and many of those reasons I may never know.  But one reason is what I'm learning during this time.  I know I've relied on God throughout most of my life, but never like this.  There have been many times since bringing home the boys that I've felt like I was running on empty, but looking back I see it doesn't even compare to where I'm at now.  I'm not saying each day in light of this revelation is full of joy and ease.  To be honest, each day is so hard and I want to give up multiple times each day.  But at the end of each day as I sit exhausted on the couch I know that God was the one who got us all through.  I don't have this knowledge because it's easy or I feel an extra source of power during the day, but I know it for the simple fact that we made it another day, and on my own that wouldn't be the case.  There have been times in my life where I've felt God's amazing presence all around me; hiking in Yosemite, the night I married Justin, or seeing one of my nephews being brought into this world.  This is all different though.  There are no warm fuzzy feelings inside me or glimpses of awe and beauty, but the simple knowledge of knowing God is here with me because I simply made it through another day.

Furthermore, throughout this journey people will be able to look at this and see how amazing God is, not how amazing we are.  Trust me, anyone who truly knows me right now knows I am completely unable to do anything like this on my own.  And what's better- to have people see me do something great or have people see God do something great?  I know for myself it doesn't do me much good to see someone do a great job at something on his or her own when I can't even seem to pull it together in that area.  However to see God do amazing things in the lives of people around me is something that gives me hope. Parenting is hard and parenting kids with special needs and attachment issues often seems hopeless and endless.  I know there are lots of other families out there who have been facing similar issues with their children for as long as we have or even longer.  My desire is that through this and at the end of it those other families will be given hope, and will know that if God was able to get us through this then he will be able to do the same for them.

I know I did a lot of complaining this post, but my intent was to show how completely incapable I am and how great God is.  I do wish we would have known all this earlier for the boys' sake.  It breaks my heart for them to think of all that we could have done for them earlier on and for healing that could have been done for them sooner.  I hate knowing that some of the things we did from reading "normal" parenting books may have caused them more hurt when they first came to us.  It hurts knowing there were things we could have done sooner to help them feel safe and loved and instead there were things we did that, unknowingly at the time, were damaging.  I feel guilt for all the things I should have done but didn't, for trying to teach Jack to sleep on his own (why should I have expected that from an 18 month old who had already been in five different homes?), and for putting Hank in the church nursery (how was that a good idea after all the caregivers who had been in and out of his early life?). But, that is something I am trying to let go of and trust that God will redeem.  Those are things that I pray during this time God will heal in them and in me and that it will make an even greater story for how loving and healing and great God is.

So for now, please just pray for us.  I hope to do another post soon to write about camp because it truly was an amazing experience, but my ability to communicate well these days is less than adequate.  In the mean time just know we are daily in need of your prayers.

Hope Against Hope

What does it look like to remain hopeful in a situation that seems hopeless?  How do you continue to have hope for something that after years of praying for only seems to be getting worse and not better?  To be honest, I don't really know and that's a place that Justin and I are in right now.  The last few months things have been really rough with the boys.  I'm not sure why it has seemed so much more difficult, except for maybe we're just tired.  While there have been so many joys and redeeming moments, the last three years have been a very difficult journey.  Many things have improved and we do have a lot to be thankful for.  Hank, although he still gets sick often, is so much healthier than he used to be.  It seems as though he's completely bonded and attached to me and Justin.  Jack, although he still has a way to go, can communicate better with us.  He has been given some diagnosis that have given us more answers and will hopefully continue to allow him to get more help in certain areas as he grows older.  There are things to be thankful for and I do see those things, but there have also been things that have been very difficult, that have not changed (except for getting worse), and have been weighing so heavy on us lately.

To keep it short, Hank's anger and Jack's lack of genuine attachment and understanding of consequences for the things he does has all been at an all time high lately.  These have been areas of concern and things we've been trying to work through and get help with for years so its nothing really that new.  But I think that its "been years" has finally taken its toll.  What's been frustrating is that a lot of different ways we've tried to get help for in these areas have for some reason ended in closed doors.  About a month ago, after I reached out to another source for help who had been really helpful to some friends of ours, I received another closed door.  So I just spent most of that morning praying that God would heal Jack and Hank in these areas (which I've also been praying for years).  I prayed that although there are people, and therapies, and medical advances that could help them, in the end I believe God is the greatest healer of all and that He would be the one to heal them.  That day, while Justin was gone, ended up being by far the worse day I have experienced with Hank's rage and anger and with Jack hurting himself once again doing something he's repeatedly hurt himself doing.  And in that moment I felt like I was finally giving up, I just wanted to quit.  I know God has reasons for everything.  I know He works in ways that are far beyond anything we can comprehend.  I know we live in a fallen and broken world and will continue to experience pain and hurt and sin until Jesus returns and makes all things right.  I know He isn't just a genie who will grant every wish I make before Him.  In the past we prayed for years to be able to conceive and have a child.  That never happened, but through it all, through how much it hurt (and sometimes still does) I was hopeful and knew God was still there and had a plan.  Through a failed back surgery I've prayed for healing, and while that hasn't happened my faith has never waived because I know that sometimes God heals and sometimes He doesn't, but in the end He is still loving and still good.  There are many things we have prayed for, as there are for so many other people, that God has answered differently than we had hoped.  But this has always been okay because I know God is sovereign  and what He does is always good, right, and perfect.  So why was it that what happened that day with the boys, out of all the rough days we've had with them, finally cause me to lose hope that things would get better with them?  I don't really know.

Later today the four of us will be going to a week long camp.  This camp is designed to give help, resources, and tools to families who have adopted and/or are experiencing bonding, attachment, early trauma issues, etc.  This opportunity came up just about two weeks ago and at the very last minute we were able to get in.  I see God's work in just the fact we're able to attend as it only had a few remaining open spots as well as how He has financially provided to make it possible to go.  I know He is making this all possible and we have friends who were able to go last year and get some help, but I'm still finding it hard to be hopeful.  Part of me doesn't want to be hopeful because I don't want to be disappointed again.  Part of me feels like I just don't have the ability to hope right now.  I'm very thankful for this opportunity and I know there are so many other people out there who could use this experience and most likely have it a lot harder than we do, I'm just not sure what to expect and I'm tired of hoping.

In the Bible the author of Hebrews, when talking about Abraham, says that in hope he believed against hope.  I find that a very interesting statement and one that hits home right now.  Hope against hope.  I believe we all hope in things.  We have a natural hope that is based off of facts, reasoning, sense, and our personal experiences.  But then there is a biblical hope.  This is hope that allows us to see beyond our human experiences and is rooted in what God's word says and promises.  It isn't just a desire for something, but a confident expectation.  This kind of hope isn't just wishful thinking, but is a confident expectation on something that is certain.  And the one and only thing I know that is certain is God and what He has said in His word.  I look at this situation with the boys and the earthly facts are greatly against them.  Based off of what I feel are "facts" and my personal experience in this area, there is no hope.  However, despite all this, I know that when it seems everything around me is failing, God's word never fails.  I don't have proof right now by experience or even how I feel, but I have proof in His word.  This situation seems hopeless, but I hope in what God says in the Bible.  Hope against hope.  It's a struggle I feel battling inside me; to keep believing in hope against what I feel.  I've always thought more with my head than with my emotions.  I like logic.  I loved teaching math because it's based on formulas and structure.  If this equals this, then this plus this always equals this.  It's based off of reason and facts and makes sense to me.  And I guess that's what has kept me going.  I know it sounds cheesy, but it's like a math formula to me- because I know and believe God's word to be 100% true, and because it says He is faithful and steadfast and One we can hope in, I therefore will continue to trust in Him.  It's not based off of what I feel in this area right now, it's not based off of how things have gone, it's not based off of earthly reasoning, but it's just based off of what God promises.  I know I'm in a place that needs to change.  There is a disconnect from what my heart says and what my head says right now and I know I can't stay in that place for a long time.  But thankfully what my head is telling me is to keep going based on what I know about God, not what I may be feeling right now.  To trust that "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.  'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in Him.'   (Lamentations 3:22-24).  Therefore I will have hope against hope.  The situation around me tells me one thing, but God's word tells me another, and I choose to believe in that.

So off we go to camp, taking one more step when I didn't feel like we could take another.  And despite what happens or doesn't happen at this camp, I know we will keep taking steps.  Not because it's easy, not because we have the strength, but because I know God is there with His hand behind us pushing us on and with His arm under us helping carry the load.  Because His word says so.  So against hope, we head into this week with hope.

The Gospel Everyday

Hey look at me- I'm updating our blog!  And just shy of a year.  Nice.  I've been realizing over the last few months how I'm way too much an "all or nothing" person and how that keeps me from doing so many things.  For instance with this blog.  Shortly after the last post I wrote about Hank I had one in mind I wanted to write about Jack.  However it had some things that were sort of tough to put into words and every time I sat down to try to write, the words just weren't there.  Several things have happened since then that I wanted to write about, but because I hadn't yet written what I wanted to about Jack I didn't write anything else.  I kept waiting to write about different things that were happening or that we were learning until I had the perfect post written about Jack, and since I couldn't write that perfect post I didn't write anything at all.  I see this in other areas of my life- this last fall I walked into a fabric store because I wanted one type of fabric for something I knew I wanted to make, but once I saw all the different fabrics that I could make several things with but knew I didn't have the time or budget to make all those things I ended up walking out of the store empty handed.  After a failed back surgery I was advised to not do a bunch of exercises I had always done and was instead given a list of three lame grandma exercises to do, and since I didn't like them and wanted to do all the ones I used to do but knew I shouldn't, I just have ended up doing none of them at all.  Not good.  All of that is completely irrelevant to this blog or what I wanted to write about, but its just something that I've noticed about myself and don't like and want to change.  So now all you who read this (all 3 of you) can keep me accountable with that.

Anywho...

So this last October Justin and I drove the boys up to Tacoma to have a visit with their birth mom and Jack's birth dad.  Although its been over two months since then, there has been something that has continually been on my mind since the visit; how the effects of the Gospel are so evident every day of our lives.  I'm not sure if I wrote about much of the boys's history before so sorry if this is repetitive, but when I look back at how they came into foster care I'm completely amazed at the evidence of God's hand in their lives.  Jack was born premature and was therefore in the hospital longer than most babies.  Jack's birth mom was married and her husband who she thought was his birth dad (but actually was not) came to the hospital to visit Jack.  It was during one of these visits that a nurse walked into the room to see something happen between Jack's birth mom and who they thought was his birth dad that caused her some concern.  She reported what she saw and the hospital made the decision not to release Jack.  Through more investigation it was decided that Jack would be placed into foster care.  Less than 10 months later Hank was born, also premature, and since Jack was still in foster care Hank was automatically placed into foster care as well when he was released from the hospital. The things that continued to turn up during this time caused the state to keep the boys in foster care month after month.

Their birth mom tried very hard to get the boys back and went through all the steps the state asked her to do.  But being that both boys were born premature, that Jack was already showing signs of being very developmentally delayed, and that Hank was a very sick little baby, the state was even more hesitant about returning them to their birth mom.

The first couple months we had the boys we had to drive them to their birth mom's apartment twice a week for visitations (which were always supervised by a case worker).  She was always very polite and happy to see the boys.  I could tell she loved them and wanted to bring them home and was trying hard to make that happen.  One day as I was driving away I was at a stoplight right outside the apartment building she lived in and saw a group of young moms standing together talking and smoking while two babies sat in their carriers off to the side completely unattended.  I suddenly realized that the boys's birth mom was not that different from these other moms who had their babies sitting outside on a cold winter morning unattended; that she was not that different than a lot of moms who still had their children with them.  All that made her different was that once moment a nurse "happened" to walk into a room and see what she saw.

And that's where I see evidence of Jesus's hand. Jack was born premature, which is usually not a good thing, but it caused him to remain in the hospital longer.  A man who was not even his birth dad (but didn't yet know it) was there and through his actions caused Jack to be placed into foster care.  Because Jack was delayed (normally not a good thing, and still something we're dealing with) the state was even more cautious in returning him home.  Because Hank was so sick  (and still deals with some of those issues) the state was very hesitant to return him home.  I have to wonder that if the boys would have been completely healthy and without all their needs if the state would have returned them home eventually.  God used several horrible and sad things to save the boys from what could have been a very harmful situation for them.

Where the world would see nothing but sadness, brokenness, abuse, and sickness, I see a situation where God used a series of events to reach in and pull out two little boys from what could have been a very difficult life.  I know that as the boys grow older they will have lots of questions about their adoption.  I imagine they will at times feel sadness and grief for what has happened.  I try to prepare myself for the day, when out of preteen hormonal anger, one of them looks at me and says he wishes he were with his "real mom."  I dread the day Hank wants to know more about his birth dad and what it might do to his heart if he finds out some of the things that man did.  But as they process through all that my prayer is that they will see a God who loves them so much that He stepped in, broke the cycle of abuse and neglect they would have become a part of, and literally pulled them out of it.  I pray they are overwhelmed not with anger, but with a sense of God's love and involvement in their lives.  I pray that they see how God redeemed so many bad things so that they could be loved by so many people.

But it doesn't stop there.  What truly got me thinking about all this was actually in seeing how their birth mom was doing.  From what we were told by the state, their birth mom had a horrible childhood.  Several times she should have been removed from her abusive household, but never was.  I imagine having her two boys taken from her was the most difficult thing she ever experienced and was probably extra salt on her lasting wounds.  I imagine the question had to be in her head somewhere that if she were never removed from such horrible circumstances, why were her boys taken away when she tried so hard to get them back.  It is evident that it is still painful for her to not have Jack and Hank with her, but her life looks completely different today than it did when Jack was born.  She was married to an abusive man, addicted to drugs and alcohol, had dropped out of school, and was continuing in the same cycle that her family had been in for generations.  Because the boys were so needy they were not returned to her.  While this was incredibly heart breaking for her, I believe it was also life changing.  Through attempting to get them back she became clean of drugs and alcohol.  She left her abusive husband.  When she did not get to bring the boys home she was able to spend time focusing on herself and has since gotten her GED and continued on in other classes.  She is now married to a nice man and I believe she now has a relationship with Jesus.  I know she still wishes she had the boys with her and I'm sure she always will, but I hope and pray for her that she also sees how God used all this to change her life for the better.

And that's where I see the effects of the Gospel; that God would reach down into a horrible, sinful, disgusting mess to pull out these boys and break the cycle of past generations, and to give a young woman a chance at a new life.  Our world is full of brokenness, but all around God is showing examples of His grace and redemption at work.  Even now as I look at our Christmas tree I see several examples of Jesus's work in our lives and the life we have because of His work on the cross.  Not because we have a tree in our living room, but because of what's on it.  This may sound cheesy, but every year I make Justin ornaments resembling things that happened the past year.  Some of them are funny, like the one I made for his appendectomy, and others just serve as historical markers, like the date of a certain trip.  But this year I've been struck by all the ornaments on our tree that represent good things that were a result of something difficult.  From the ongoing years of infertility I see several ornaments that mark the dates we brought two little boys home, the date of their adoption, and handprints from their first Christmas with us.  From me being laid off as a teacher and us going through a painful church situation in California, I see ornaments that mark our move to Washington and the amazing times we had with family and friends while living there, and the things God taught us about hope and trust in Him during that time.   From the job transfers and moves that made it seem like we would forever be wandering, I see an ornament that marks us finally being able to call a place home and put down some roots.

It would be easy to look at the boys's past and just see a big mess.  It would be easy to look at the last 6 years of our marriage and see numerous hurts and trials.  But instead I see a God who is actively involved in my life.  I see all the things that He has restored and made beautiful.  I see a loving God who cares deeply for us and can and does redeem things for His glory.  The effects of the Gospel are evident all around us every day.  Sometimes we have to look past the difficult things to find it.  But when we see the brokenness of the world around us and we are able to see all the ways God is continually working through them and redeeming them, we are able to see small glimpses of how much He loves us and what life will one day be like with Him when all things have been restored.

God Redeems; a story about Hank

A few weeks ago I was babysitting for some friends. They are currently in the process of adopting and had a book sitting out that was written about the issues children who are adopted face with bonding and attachment. After I put their kids to bed for the night I decided to sit down and read the book. I didn't get too far into it before I was overwhelmed with a horrible sense of saddness and regret. I sat reading through all the things one should do to help their adopted kids with these bonding and attachment issues while realizing how many of those things I failed to do. After awhile I gave up and stopped reading the book.

There were different things that I had read that I wished I would have known more about in regards to both the boys, but at that time Hank was the one who really stood out to me. When Hank first came to us he was 6 months old. I had read a few baby books before we brought him home and knew of many things a parent should do to bond with an infant, and we did do many of those things. However, I honestly didn't know what new parents of an infant who has been in foster care since birth and different foster homes should do to help with bonding and attachment.

I think my eyes were first opened to some possible struggles one of the times I was visting Hank at the foster home he was at right before we brought him home. Hank was in an amazing foster home at that time that was so full of love. He was loved on, held, played with, and taken care of when he was sick and up all hours of the night. I have a very vivid memory of sitting in this wonderful family's home where Hank is laying in one part of the room and his current foster mom is in another part of the room. As soon as she begins talking I see Hank look around to find where her voice is coming from. It was obvious how familiar that voice was to him and how important it was to him. More than any other sound, her voice was what he was following and in tune with. Immediately my heart sunk. I realized that in just a few days I would be taking this little baby away from all the sounds, smells, sights, and touches that were familiar to him. The arms that had held him for so many days and nights would all of a sudden be different and he wouldn't know why. I remember that day and those feelings very specifically and wanting to care for him durng that transition, but unfortuantely I didn't really know what to do with all that or how to best help him. I feel more equipped now, but that doesn't really help with things in the past.

The first night home with Hank he screamed. He screamed and he screamed and he screamed. He was a very sick little guy and most likely had a lot of pain associated with that, but I think there was more to it than just being sick. Even after he had been with us for several months he would scream and scream while we tried to help him get to sleep, and once he was asleep he would often thrash around and scream and cry in his sleep. He was very difficult to soothe and would become incredibly scared and agitated at any unexpected movement or sound. He made very little eye contact and never initiated for touch or anything he might want. Even at ten months old he had never reached up to be picked up by me. And worst of all, he never giggled. He would smile at times, but he never giggled. I remember seeing another person's baby giggle hysterically at the smallest thing and wanting so bad to hear that sound from Hank. But despite anything I tried, there was no giggling. It was almost as if his body physically could not do it.

All of those things were heartbreaking to experience, and as I read that book I couldn't help but think of all the things I could have done better or differently that maybe could have changed some of that. I thought of all the times I layed him down to play by himself, because that's what normal babies are able to do, but how now I know that isn't the best thing for babies who may have attachment disorders. I thought of the times I tired to get him to sleep on his own, becuase that's what normal babies do, where now I know that allowing a child with attachement disorder to be held while sleeping is one of the best things to do for him or her. I thought of the time I put him in the church nursery after having him for three months and we had just moved again. No wonder I was called back because he was screaming uncontroably and no wonder it took the next 30 minutes to calm him down. Sadly those are just a few examples of all the things I saw that I wished I would have done differently.

I sat reading that book and thinking, "I blew it." I so badly wanted to go back and do everything over again. That whole night I was so sad as I rememberd that scared and sick little baby and wondered what I had done to make it all worse. However, as my heart seemed to be breaking all over again I was able to stop and see where Hank is now. Hank is now full of expression. He talks, he plays, he interacts, he loves, he acts goofy, he hugs, he kisses, he shares, he asks, and best of all, he giggles. I hear it throughout the day and every time I hear it I swear its one of the greatest sounds I've ever heard. It never gets old. As I thought of where Hank was then and where he is now, the guilt and saddness that was there just moments before was replaced by a wave of joy and thankfulness and a beautiful picture of redemption. You see, Hank is not that sad and emotionless little baby anymore because despite what life was like for him in the womb and his first few months of life and despite all of my mistakes, God redeems. Justin and I were way in over our heads when we brought the boys home and had no idea what we were doing, but God redeems. God redeems! Do you understand the significance of that in your own life and the situations all around you?!? He takes what is wrong and makes it right. He takes what is broken and makes it whole. He takes what "never should have happened" and makes it a part of His great and perfect plan. Despite my mistakes, despite my lack of knowledge, despite all that was against Hank and his development at that time, God, in His infinite love and mercy, has redeemd it all.

For the past few years I have been trying to get my head around the depths of redepmtion and the Gospel in order to put them into concise definitions, but the more I experience of those two things and the more I go through life, the more I realize how difficult that is to do. Even now as I try to relate God's gift of redemption to this specifc situation I find it difficult to be able to put it into words. But the fact is, is that since Adam and Eve first sinned against God and separated themselves from Him, He has been pursuing us and working out His plan to one day live in a sinless world with us where all will be made right and new. Obviously that day is not yet here, but evidence of God's love and redemption is all around and all that He has done in Hank's life so far is an amazing picture of that and a small glimpse of all that is to come. God's redemption is too amazing for me to truly comprehend, but I feel like I understand it a little more when I hear the sweet precious gigggle of our little boy.

Moving

Well, it's hard to believe, but in about 7 days we will be moving and saying goodbye to Washington.

About four years ago we moved here from my beloved California. I dragged my feet into surrendering my California drivers license and was sad to see anything but a California license plate on the back of my car. However, it did not take me long to fall in love with Washington, Seattle, and all the beauty of the surrounding area. I love the mountains here, I love living so close to the water, I love the culture and the weather. We are close to some very dear friends who also moved here from California and have been a huge part of our lives there and here. There are so many things that I absolutely love about living in this area. So why are we moving?

Over the past several months it has been obvious to me and Justin that, despite living in such a wonderful place, our quality of life has not been that great. The main reason for that is Justin's job. He works long weeks with a schedule that is all over the place, that leaves him exhausted and without a lot of extra time. Over the past two years he has had only a few months here and there where he didn't have to work Sundays, and we have greatly missed being able to attend and be involved in church together. With all that there is to do here, we are rarely able to do anything becuase of his schedule. Sometimes two or three days go by where the boys hardly get to see him or spend time with him. Furthermore, Justin and I have also had very little time for each other. I'm not trying to complain, we believe that God provided this position for a time and financially it has been a blessing. However, we saw that something needed to change and the only way for that to change was for Justin to step down from management.

This led to a few other things that would therefore need to change. Stepping down would mean a significant pay cut so we knew we needed to find a place that was a little more affordable. Unfortunately, the places that are more affordable around here and not really the safest and most family friendly of places. So we began to look at a few options of other places to live. There were several factors we were looking for; something affordable, closer to family, a good place to raise kids, an area that would allow us to still experience our love for the outdoors, a good children's hospital (Jack still sees four specialists), and hopefully a place where we already knew people.

Although there were several places we considered in three different states, all these things seemed to be pointing us toward Salem, Oregon. It doesn't put us incredibly close to family, but does put us almost half way between my family in California and Justin's family in Washington. It turns a 12 1/2 hour drive into an 8 1/2 hour drive to see my family, which makes all the difference in the world when traveling with two little boys. Although it checked off many of the things on the list of all we were looking for, I was still having a hard time letting go of where we live now. I wasn't sure if this was me just not wanting to leave for selfish reasons or if maybe we weren't acutally supposed to move. So we asked God to make it obvious. While I was in Pennsylvania, Justin drove to Salem to meet with the store manager of Trader Joes. We were looking for four specific things; for Justin to have Sundays off, to work only mornings so he wouldn't be gone so many nights, to have a certain amount of hours, and to hopefully step down just one position which would allow him to keep our insurance benefits where they are. We knew this was a lot to ask so we figured the manager would be able to work with a few of those and we would then discuss if that was worth us moving. Well, it turns out he was willing and able to grant all of those requests beyond what we were expecting. That was our answer.

Things have sort of been a whirlwind since then. We're excited for the future, but also sad to be leaving. To be honest I still have a hard time with it, and am therefore thankful for the obvious answer and guidance God gave us. What it comes down to is wanting to do what's best for our family. Right now a better paying job or a certain location is not what our family needs. We need time for each other and with each other and we believe this move is a way to make that happen. There are obviously other things we hope for in the future as well. Justin will have more time to eventually study and seek out what areas of ministry God might be calling him back into and I hope to eventually return to teaching. But right now we just need more time together as a family and some rest from all the chaos, stress, and time away from each other over the last two years.

Several years ago, before I married Justin, I was living in a place I liked and was very comfortable in, I was close to family, I had great friends in town, I was involved in a church ministry where I was mentoring a group of girls, and a new guy in town had more than caught my attention and interest. It was at that point I felt for some reason I was supposed to call a previous employer at Hume Lake (a camp I had worked at in the past) and ask about employment. By the time I called, the camp was usually completely staffed so I figured there wouldn't be a position for me. However, the very day I called about a certain position was the same day that someone who was already hired called and said he would no longer be able to take on that position. So in that conversation I was offered a job and had a start date about four weeks away. Hume Lake has always been a place I loved, but for all the reasons I listed earlier I didn't really want to go. The main reason I didn't want to leave was because of Justin and I feared what would happen (or rather not happen) if I moved away. I didn't want to leave and was sad to go, but I knew that God was telling me to do so. It turns out, those six months I spent at Hume Lake was one of the greatest seasons of my life where I for the first time truly began to understand the Gospel and God's love for me. I absolutely loved my time there and experienced some amazing things. I also fell in love with that new guy in town during that time through seldom phone calls and lots of letter writing, which set an amazing foundation for our relationship. I was hesitant to originally move there because of all that I would be giving up, and all I wouldn't be able to "control." But like always, God's plans were far better than mine and He blessed me in so many ways during that time.

This feels like another one of those times. There's a lot here that I want to hang on to and the unknown future is overwhelming to me, but I remember God's faithfulness and provision from the past which gives me peace for the future. I don't know if anyone else is like this at all, but I worry a lot over the unknown and the future (I know, I know, we're not supposed to). However, when I stop worrying about all the things I can't see in the future and instead remember the past and all the times God has been faithful, I am able to rest in what I don't know while trusting that God's faithfulness that has been there in the past will always continue to be there in the future.

So, off we go...