Hey look at me- I'm updating our blog! And just shy of a year. Nice. I've been realizing over the last few months how I'm way too much an "all or nothing" person and how that keeps me from doing so many things. For instance with this blog. Shortly after the last post I wrote about Hank I had one in mind I wanted to write about Jack. However it had some things that were sort of tough to put into words and every time I sat down to try to write, the words just weren't there. Several things have happened since then that I wanted to write about, but because I hadn't yet written what I wanted to about Jack I didn't write anything else. I kept waiting to write about different things that were happening or that we were learning until I had the perfect post written about Jack, and since I couldn't write that perfect post I didn't write anything at all. I see this in other areas of my life- this last fall I walked into a fabric store because I wanted one type of fabric for something I knew I wanted to make, but once I saw all the different fabrics that I could make several things with but knew I didn't have the time or budget to make all those things I ended up walking out of the store empty handed. After a failed back surgery I was advised to not do a bunch of exercises I had always done and was instead given a list of three lame grandma exercises to do, and since I didn't like them and wanted to do all the ones I used to do but knew I shouldn't, I just have ended up doing none of them at all. Not good. All of that is completely irrelevant to this blog or what I wanted to write about, but its just something that I've noticed about myself and don't like and want to change. So now all you who read this (all 3 of you) can keep me accountable with that.
Anywho...
So this last October Justin and I drove the boys up to Tacoma to have a visit with their birth mom and Jack's birth dad. Although its been over two months since then, there has been something that has continually been on my mind since the visit; how the effects of the Gospel are so evident every day of our lives. I'm not sure if I wrote about much of the boys's history before so sorry if this is repetitive, but when I look back at how they came into foster care I'm completely amazed at the evidence of God's hand in their lives. Jack was born premature and was therefore in the hospital longer than most babies. Jack's birth mom was married and her husband who she thought was his birth dad (but actually was not) came to the hospital to visit Jack. It was during one of these visits that a nurse walked into the room to see something happen between Jack's birth mom and who they thought was his birth dad that caused her some concern. She reported what she saw and the hospital made the decision not to release Jack. Through more investigation it was decided that Jack would be placed into foster care. Less than 10 months later Hank was born, also premature, and since Jack was still in foster care Hank was automatically placed into foster care as well when he was released from the hospital. The things that continued to turn up during this time caused the state to keep the boys in foster care month after month.
Their birth mom tried very hard to get the boys back and went through all the steps the state asked her to do. But being that both boys were born premature, that Jack was already showing signs of being very developmentally delayed, and that Hank was a very sick little baby, the state was even more hesitant about returning them to their birth mom.
The first couple months we had the boys we had to drive them to their birth mom's apartment twice a week for visitations (which were always supervised by a case worker). She was always very polite and happy to see the boys. I could tell she loved them and wanted to bring them home and was trying hard to make that happen. One day as I was driving away I was at a stoplight right outside the apartment building she lived in and saw a group of young moms standing together talking and smoking while two babies sat in their carriers off to the side completely unattended. I suddenly realized that the boys's birth mom was not that different from these other moms who had their babies sitting outside on a cold winter morning unattended; that she was not that different than a lot of moms who still had their children with them. All that made her different was that once moment a nurse "happened" to walk into a room and see what she saw.
And that's where I see evidence of Jesus's hand. Jack was born premature, which is usually not a good thing, but it caused him to remain in the hospital longer. A man who was not even his birth dad (but didn't yet know it) was there and through his actions caused Jack to be placed into foster care. Because Jack was delayed (normally not a good thing, and still something we're dealing with) the state was even more cautious in returning him home. Because Hank was so sick (and still deals with some of those issues) the state was very hesitant to return him home. I have to wonder that if the boys would have been completely healthy and without all their needs if the state would have returned them home eventually. God used several horrible and sad things to save the boys from what could have been a very harmful situation for them.
Where the world would see nothing but sadness, brokenness, abuse, and sickness, I see a situation where God used a series of events to reach in and pull out two little boys from what could have been a very difficult life. I know that as the boys grow older they will have lots of questions about their adoption. I imagine they will at times feel sadness and grief for what has happened. I try to prepare myself for the day, when out of preteen hormonal anger, one of them looks at me and says he wishes he were with his "real mom." I dread the day Hank wants to know more about his birth dad and what it might do to his heart if he finds out some of the things that man did. But as they process through all that my prayer is that they will see a God who loves them so much that He stepped in, broke the cycle of abuse and neglect they would have become a part of, and literally pulled them out of it. I pray they are overwhelmed not with anger, but with a sense of God's love and involvement in their lives. I pray that they see how God redeemed so many bad things so that they could be loved by so many people.
But it doesn't stop there. What truly got me thinking about all this was actually in seeing how their birth mom was doing. From what we were told by the state, their birth mom had a horrible childhood. Several times she should have been removed from her abusive household, but never was. I imagine having her two boys taken from her was the most difficult thing she ever experienced and was probably extra salt on her lasting wounds. I imagine the question had to be in her head somewhere that if she were never removed from such horrible circumstances, why were her boys taken away when she tried so hard to get them back. It is evident that it is still painful for her to not have Jack and Hank with her, but her life looks completely different today than it did when Jack was born. She was married to an abusive man, addicted to drugs and alcohol, had dropped out of school, and was continuing in the same cycle that her family had been in for generations. Because the boys were so needy they were not returned to her. While this was incredibly heart breaking for her, I believe it was also life changing. Through attempting to get them back she became clean of drugs and alcohol. She left her abusive husband. When she did not get to bring the boys home she was able to spend time focusing on herself and has since gotten her GED and continued on in other classes. She is now married to a nice man and I believe she now has a relationship with Jesus. I know she still wishes she had the boys with her and I'm sure she always will, but I hope and pray for her that she also sees how God used all this to change her life for the better.
And that's where I see the effects of the Gospel; that God would reach down into a horrible, sinful, disgusting mess to pull out these boys and break the cycle of past generations, and to give a young woman a chance at a new life. Our world is full of brokenness, but all around God is showing examples of His grace and redemption at work. Even now as I look at our Christmas tree I see several examples of Jesus's work in our lives and the life we have because of His work on the cross. Not because we have a tree in our living room, but because of what's on it. This may sound cheesy, but every year I make Justin ornaments resembling things that happened the past year. Some of them are funny, like the one I made for his appendectomy, and others just serve as historical markers, like the date of a certain trip. But this year I've been struck by all the ornaments on our tree that represent good things that were a result of something difficult. From the ongoing years of infertility I see several ornaments that mark the dates we brought two little boys home, the date of their adoption, and handprints from their first Christmas with us. From me being laid off as a teacher and us going through a painful church situation in California, I see ornaments that mark our move to Washington and the amazing times we had with family and friends while living there, and the things God taught us about hope and trust in Him during that time. From the job transfers and moves that made it seem like we would forever be wandering, I see an ornament that marks us finally being able to call a place home and put down some roots.
It would be easy to look at the boys's past and just see a big mess. It would be easy to look at the last 6 years of our marriage and see numerous hurts and trials. But instead I see a God who is actively involved in my life. I see all the things that He has restored and made beautiful. I see a loving God who cares deeply for us and can and does redeem things for His glory. The effects of the Gospel are evident all around us every day. Sometimes we have to look past the difficult things to find it. But when we see the brokenness of the world around us and we are able to see all the ways God is continually working through them and redeeming them, we are able to see small glimpses of how much He loves us and what life will one day be like with Him when all things have been restored.
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