Why We've Fallen off the Face of the Earth

(Warning: this post contains very poor grammar and probably some thoughts that are not communicated very well.  My brain is sort of fried right now and after many attempts at writing a clear post, this is the best I've got...)

I wanted to write a post about our week at camp and all that took place there soon after we got home, but we've had our hands pretty full since then.  Even now as I've sat here and tried to write about it, I'm having a hard time finding the words and clarity to be able to communicate just a piece of what took place during the week.  And here's why, I'm tired.  Very, very, very tired.  I'll try to explain why...

We went to this camp because after three years of having Jack and Hank home with us, things have still been pretty rough.  After three years there are still significant areas of concern regarding issues of attachment, anger, and development.  After three years and feeling as though we have exhausted every parenting method, we still felt clueless as how to parent our boys.  After three years, more and more joy has been absent from our home.  While at camp, what we knew all along was finally validated- that Jack and Hank are different.  That because of all they encountered so early on in life, their brains and hearts are not healthy and normal and therefore "normal" parenting practices do not work.  This was the case with every family there, which is why they were all there as well.

Jack and Hank were the youngest of the children there, and being that they are still at such a young age a certain strategy was suggested for us called "pouching."  Basically what this means is that the child is carried around in a type of baby carrier/sling for about six weeks in order to work on attachment and bonding and all the issues that take place in a child due to the lack of those things.  There's a whole science behind it all that I honestly don't have the brain capacity to explain right now, but it was suggested for both boys for several reasons.  Attachment disorders are on a spectrum, sort of like autism or cerebral palsy, ranging from something that is barely noticeable to something incredibly extreme, and everything in between.  To be diagnosed with an attachment disorder there is a list of things that may cause it in a child, and only one of these things is enough to cause this trauma to take place.  As I sat and looked at the list I saw that Jack and Hank had not only experienced one of these factors, but several.  Experiencing violence in utero, stressful/unwanted pregnancy, drug exposure, alcohol exposure, premature birth, foster care, multiple caregivers, painful medical trauma, and painful illness are all among the list and all things that our boys did experience early on in life.  They didn't just check off one of the risk factors, but almost all of them.  We learned how all this affects the brain and how when a child's brain doesn't function right, neither can that child.  So because our boys, and all the kids there, have been through extreme and different circumstances, extreme and different ways of parenting were taught.  Like I said, the whole "pouching" thing was suggested to us early on in the week.  The lady who was doing all the teaching and instruction, and has used all these practices to help countless children, graciously took the time to coach us through getting started and to answer any of our questions.  The plan we were given was to first do this with Jack for six weeks full time, then six weeks of transition, and then do it all over again with Hank.  Jack was also evaluated by someone who specializes in something called neuro reorganization.  Again, I don't have the brain power to describe all that that entails, but he was given several exercises and things to do during the day to help heal some of the trauma that has been caused to his brain and in a sense try to redo some of the things that went wrong early on in his life.

The whole pouching thing probably sounds pretty weird to a lot of people, but there is a purpose to it and we heard several stories of how and why it works.  Jack and Hank did not experience most of all the healthy things a baby needs to experience early on in life.  These boys in a sense had a loss of their "babyhood" and this is designed to help them experience a part of that and the love, attachment, and security they didn't have during that time.  Because touch is so vital and healing to the brain and heart, it is in a way overdone for a short time.  There are several goals during this time and among the greatest is the attempt to empower the parent to try to rebuild the broken bond in the child.  When a child does not have the ability to bond first to his parents, and then to others, a whole slew of problems will continue to arise, which we are already experiencing.  Other things we were suggested to do are to have Jack sit on our laps and feed him every meal (this is to work on attachment as well as some of the food and control issues he has), have him sleep in our room and stay with him until he is asleep (this is to work on some of the anxiety he has), and to have him in the carrier about 8-10 hours each day (this is for a whole bunch of reasons).

The day after we got home we reorganized parts of our house and did all that was suggested to create a place where this "pouching" and his exercises could take place.  We were ready to go.  Justin went back to work the next day, I woke up and strapped Jack to me... and then freaked out.  This would be too much.  Where the heck was all this information over three years ago?  Why didn't anyone tell us then?  As the reality of what the next several months would look like began to set in, I became very frustrated and overwhelmed.  I kept thinking that I've already been here and experienced a lot of this with these same children.  I did the baby thing once and am now doing it again, not with a newborn baby but with the same two kids.  I've already done the sleepless nights for month after month.  I've already done the period of isolation from having a baby who is sick or screaming or needing to be fed at all hours throughout the day. Except this time its being isolated because I have a toddler strapped to me all day.  I've already been the crusty wife who is unshowered and in the same sweats every day because I don't have the time or freedom to do anything but throw some clothes on.  Except instead of being covered with a continual flow of baby projectile vomit, this time its with the sweat and snot and spit of a child.  I've already had the foggy brain for month after month where I struggle making any type of decision or even finishing my sentences.  I've already gone through this season of not getting out, not getting to go to church, not getting to take care of myself, not having energy for my husband, not having a brain- all with these same two boys.  I've already been through this time of craziness and it didn't amount to much, and now we're doing it again.  Furthermore, at this point we're three years into it.  I'm not a fresh new parent being asked to do something so difficult.  When we went to camp I felt I was at the end of all I could handle, and now I'm supposed to do this?  Why couldn't we have been given this advice when we first brought them home and were excited and ready to go, instead of when we were so worn out? Three years ago I was also in the best shape of my life.  I had the time to exercise regularly and had found an amazing chiropractor who was really helping me.  Despite a messed up back surgery, I was finally feeling pretty good and strong and had started running again and was considering being able to start racing again.  Why couldn't I had known about this then when my back and body were much healthier and these kids were much lighter?  Why now, after the boys are so much bigger and after my back has gotten worse?  Why now?  Why not three years ago when we weren't completely exhausted and burned out?  We're so tired, so broken, so weary.  Why is this being asked of us now when I feel we don't have anything left to give?  The thought just kept coming into my head that I can't do this again, I don't want to do this again, there is nothing left in me anymore to be able to do something like this.  Don't get me wrong, I love our boys and desperately want them to heal, but after three years I felt like I had reached my end and was hoping for a quick miracle.  I just kept asking "why?"

Well, I think I may be realizing why.  Had we been given this advice three years ago and had done all this then, I think people may have looked at us and had the thought, "Wow, what great parents they are." People may have made the mistake in thinking that we were capable of being good parents on our own.  People may have looked at us and seen "our" sacrifice, "our" giving, "our" strength, rather than seeing who the true source of all that is. Maybe I would have made that same mistake too.  Maybe I would have done all this then and thought I was capable of saving these boys on my own.  Maybe I would have been filled with pride at all "I" was able to do.  At this point I can honestly say that on my own I don't have an ounce left to give.  At this point there is nothing in my heart or strength that has the ability to do what we're being asked to do. Every day that we make it through this pouching thing is one hundred percent a complete act of God's work and grace and absolutely nothing on my part.  I can't even take credit for it physically because at this point I'm not in good shape and my back has become a lot weaker over the years.  Three years ago I probably would have taken some credit, maybe even one year ago I would have, but at this point I know beyond anything that it is God alone who is getting us through this.  Some would ask why God would do this, what's the point?  Well there's plenty of reasons I'm sure and many of those reasons I may never know.  But one reason is what I'm learning during this time.  I know I've relied on God throughout most of my life, but never like this.  There have been many times since bringing home the boys that I've felt like I was running on empty, but looking back I see it doesn't even compare to where I'm at now.  I'm not saying each day in light of this revelation is full of joy and ease.  To be honest, each day is so hard and I want to give up multiple times each day.  But at the end of each day as I sit exhausted on the couch I know that God was the one who got us all through.  I don't have this knowledge because it's easy or I feel an extra source of power during the day, but I know it for the simple fact that we made it another day, and on my own that wouldn't be the case.  There have been times in my life where I've felt God's amazing presence all around me; hiking in Yosemite, the night I married Justin, or seeing one of my nephews being brought into this world.  This is all different though.  There are no warm fuzzy feelings inside me or glimpses of awe and beauty, but the simple knowledge of knowing God is here with me because I simply made it through another day.

Furthermore, throughout this journey people will be able to look at this and see how amazing God is, not how amazing we are.  Trust me, anyone who truly knows me right now knows I am completely unable to do anything like this on my own.  And what's better- to have people see me do something great or have people see God do something great?  I know for myself it doesn't do me much good to see someone do a great job at something on his or her own when I can't even seem to pull it together in that area.  However to see God do amazing things in the lives of people around me is something that gives me hope. Parenting is hard and parenting kids with special needs and attachment issues often seems hopeless and endless.  I know there are lots of other families out there who have been facing similar issues with their children for as long as we have or even longer.  My desire is that through this and at the end of it those other families will be given hope, and will know that if God was able to get us through this then he will be able to do the same for them.

I know I did a lot of complaining this post, but my intent was to show how completely incapable I am and how great God is.  I do wish we would have known all this earlier for the boys' sake.  It breaks my heart for them to think of all that we could have done for them earlier on and for healing that could have been done for them sooner.  I hate knowing that some of the things we did from reading "normal" parenting books may have caused them more hurt when they first came to us.  It hurts knowing there were things we could have done sooner to help them feel safe and loved and instead there were things we did that, unknowingly at the time, were damaging.  I feel guilt for all the things I should have done but didn't, for trying to teach Jack to sleep on his own (why should I have expected that from an 18 month old who had already been in five different homes?), and for putting Hank in the church nursery (how was that a good idea after all the caregivers who had been in and out of his early life?). But, that is something I am trying to let go of and trust that God will redeem.  Those are things that I pray during this time God will heal in them and in me and that it will make an even greater story for how loving and healing and great God is.

So for now, please just pray for us.  I hope to do another post soon to write about camp because it truly was an amazing experience, but my ability to communicate well these days is less than adequate.  In the mean time just know we are daily in need of your prayers.