Hey look at me- I'm updating our blog! And just shy of a year. Nice. I've been realizing over the last few months how I'm way too much an "all or nothing" person and how that keeps me from doing so many things. For instance with this blog. Shortly after the last post I wrote about Hank I had one in mind I wanted to write about Jack. However it had some things that were sort of tough to put into words and every time I sat down to try to write, the words just weren't there. Several things have happened since then that I wanted to write about, but because I hadn't yet written what I wanted to about Jack I didn't write anything else. I kept waiting to write about different things that were happening or that we were learning until I had the perfect post written about Jack, and since I couldn't write that perfect post I didn't write anything at all. I see this in other areas of my life- this last fall I walked into a fabric store because I wanted one type of fabric for something I knew I wanted to make, but once I saw all the different fabrics that I could make several things with but knew I didn't have the time or budget to make all those things I ended up walking out of the store empty handed. After a failed back surgery I was advised to not do a bunch of exercises I had always done and was instead given a list of three lame grandma exercises to do, and since I didn't like them and wanted to do all the ones I used to do but knew I shouldn't, I just have ended up doing none of them at all. Not good. All of that is completely irrelevant to this blog or what I wanted to write about, but its just something that I've noticed about myself and don't like and want to change. So now all you who read this (all 3 of you) can keep me accountable with that.
Anywho...
So this last October Justin and I drove the boys up to Tacoma to have a visit with their birth mom and Jack's birth dad. Although its been over two months since then, there has been something that has continually been on my mind since the visit; how the effects of the Gospel are so evident every day of our lives. I'm not sure if I wrote about much of the boys's history before so sorry if this is repetitive, but when I look back at how they came into foster care I'm completely amazed at the evidence of God's hand in their lives. Jack was born premature and was therefore in the hospital longer than most babies. Jack's birth mom was married and her husband who she thought was his birth dad (but actually was not) came to the hospital to visit Jack. It was during one of these visits that a nurse walked into the room to see something happen between Jack's birth mom and who they thought was his birth dad that caused her some concern. She reported what she saw and the hospital made the decision not to release Jack. Through more investigation it was decided that Jack would be placed into foster care. Less than 10 months later Hank was born, also premature, and since Jack was still in foster care Hank was automatically placed into foster care as well when he was released from the hospital. The things that continued to turn up during this time caused the state to keep the boys in foster care month after month.
Their birth mom tried very hard to get the boys back and went through all the steps the state asked her to do. But being that both boys were born premature, that Jack was already showing signs of being very developmentally delayed, and that Hank was a very sick little baby, the state was even more hesitant about returning them to their birth mom.
The first couple months we had the boys we had to drive them to their birth mom's apartment twice a week for visitations (which were always supervised by a case worker). She was always very polite and happy to see the boys. I could tell she loved them and wanted to bring them home and was trying hard to make that happen. One day as I was driving away I was at a stoplight right outside the apartment building she lived in and saw a group of young moms standing together talking and smoking while two babies sat in their carriers off to the side completely unattended. I suddenly realized that the boys's birth mom was not that different from these other moms who had their babies sitting outside on a cold winter morning unattended; that she was not that different than a lot of moms who still had their children with them. All that made her different was that once moment a nurse "happened" to walk into a room and see what she saw.
And that's where I see evidence of Jesus's hand. Jack was born premature, which is usually not a good thing, but it caused him to remain in the hospital longer. A man who was not even his birth dad (but didn't yet know it) was there and through his actions caused Jack to be placed into foster care. Because Jack was delayed (normally not a good thing, and still something we're dealing with) the state was even more cautious in returning him home. Because Hank was so sick (and still deals with some of those issues) the state was very hesitant to return him home. I have to wonder that if the boys would have been completely healthy and without all their needs if the state would have returned them home eventually. God used several horrible and sad things to save the boys from what could have been a very harmful situation for them.
Where the world would see nothing but sadness, brokenness, abuse, and sickness, I see a situation where God used a series of events to reach in and pull out two little boys from what could have been a very difficult life. I know that as the boys grow older they will have lots of questions about their adoption. I imagine they will at times feel sadness and grief for what has happened. I try to prepare myself for the day, when out of preteen hormonal anger, one of them looks at me and says he wishes he were with his "real mom." I dread the day Hank wants to know more about his birth dad and what it might do to his heart if he finds out some of the things that man did. But as they process through all that my prayer is that they will see a God who loves them so much that He stepped in, broke the cycle of abuse and neglect they would have become a part of, and literally pulled them out of it. I pray they are overwhelmed not with anger, but with a sense of God's love and involvement in their lives. I pray that they see how God redeemed so many bad things so that they could be loved by so many people.
But it doesn't stop there. What truly got me thinking about all this was actually in seeing how their birth mom was doing. From what we were told by the state, their birth mom had a horrible childhood. Several times she should have been removed from her abusive household, but never was. I imagine having her two boys taken from her was the most difficult thing she ever experienced and was probably extra salt on her lasting wounds. I imagine the question had to be in her head somewhere that if she were never removed from such horrible circumstances, why were her boys taken away when she tried so hard to get them back. It is evident that it is still painful for her to not have Jack and Hank with her, but her life looks completely different today than it did when Jack was born. She was married to an abusive man, addicted to drugs and alcohol, had dropped out of school, and was continuing in the same cycle that her family had been in for generations. Because the boys were so needy they were not returned to her. While this was incredibly heart breaking for her, I believe it was also life changing. Through attempting to get them back she became clean of drugs and alcohol. She left her abusive husband. When she did not get to bring the boys home she was able to spend time focusing on herself and has since gotten her GED and continued on in other classes. She is now married to a nice man and I believe she now has a relationship with Jesus. I know she still wishes she had the boys with her and I'm sure she always will, but I hope and pray for her that she also sees how God used all this to change her life for the better.
And that's where I see the effects of the Gospel; that God would reach down into a horrible, sinful, disgusting mess to pull out these boys and break the cycle of past generations, and to give a young woman a chance at a new life. Our world is full of brokenness, but all around God is showing examples of His grace and redemption at work. Even now as I look at our Christmas tree I see several examples of Jesus's work in our lives and the life we have because of His work on the cross. Not because we have a tree in our living room, but because of what's on it. This may sound cheesy, but every year I make Justin ornaments resembling things that happened the past year. Some of them are funny, like the one I made for his appendectomy, and others just serve as historical markers, like the date of a certain trip. But this year I've been struck by all the ornaments on our tree that represent good things that were a result of something difficult. From the ongoing years of infertility I see several ornaments that mark the dates we brought two little boys home, the date of their adoption, and handprints from their first Christmas with us. From me being laid off as a teacher and us going through a painful church situation in California, I see ornaments that mark our move to Washington and the amazing times we had with family and friends while living there, and the things God taught us about hope and trust in Him during that time. From the job transfers and moves that made it seem like we would forever be wandering, I see an ornament that marks us finally being able to call a place home and put down some roots.
It would be easy to look at the boys's past and just see a big mess. It would be easy to look at the last 6 years of our marriage and see numerous hurts and trials. But instead I see a God who is actively involved in my life. I see all the things that He has restored and made beautiful. I see a loving God who cares deeply for us and can and does redeem things for His glory. The effects of the Gospel are evident all around us every day. Sometimes we have to look past the difficult things to find it. But when we see the brokenness of the world around us and we are able to see all the ways God is continually working through them and redeeming them, we are able to see small glimpses of how much He loves us and what life will one day be like with Him when all things have been restored.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
God Redeems; a story about Hank
A few weeks ago I was babysitting for some friends. They are currently in the process of adopting and had a book sitting out that was written about the issues children who are adopted face with bonding and attachment. After I put their kids to bed for the night I decided to sit down and read the book. I didn't get too far into it before I was overwhelmed with a horrible sense of saddness and regret. I sat reading through all the things one should do to help their adopted kids with these bonding and attachment issues while realizing how many of those things I failed to do. After awhile I gave up and stopped reading the book.
There were different things that I had read that I wished I would have known more about in regards to both the boys, but at that time Hank was the one who really stood out to me. When Hank first came to us he was 6 months old. I had read a few baby books before we brought him home and knew of many things a parent should do to bond with an infant, and we did do many of those things. However, I honestly didn't know what new parents of an infant who has been in foster care since birth and different foster homes should do to help with bonding and attachment.
I think my eyes were first opened to some possible struggles one of the times I was visting Hank at the foster home he was at right before we brought him home. Hank was in an amazing foster home at that time that was so full of love. He was loved on, held, played with, and taken care of when he was sick and up all hours of the night. I have a very vivid memory of sitting in this wonderful family's home where Hank is laying in one part of the room and his current foster mom is in another part of the room. As soon as she begins talking I see Hank look around to find where her voice is coming from. It was obvious how familiar that voice was to him and how important it was to him. More than any other sound, her voice was what he was following and in tune with. Immediately my heart sunk. I realized that in just a few days I would be taking this little baby away from all the sounds, smells, sights, and touches that were familiar to him. The arms that had held him for so many days and nights would all of a sudden be different and he wouldn't know why. I remember that day and those feelings very specifically and wanting to care for him durng that transition, but unfortuantely I didn't really know what to do with all that or how to best help him. I feel more equipped now, but that doesn't really help with things in the past.
The first night home with Hank he screamed. He screamed and he screamed and he screamed. He was a very sick little guy and most likely had a lot of pain associated with that, but I think there was more to it than just being sick. Even after he had been with us for several months he would scream and scream while we tried to help him get to sleep, and once he was asleep he would often thrash around and scream and cry in his sleep. He was very difficult to soothe and would become incredibly scared and agitated at any unexpected movement or sound. He made very little eye contact and never initiated for touch or anything he might want. Even at ten months old he had never reached up to be picked up by me. And worst of all, he never giggled. He would smile at times, but he never giggled. I remember seeing another person's baby giggle hysterically at the smallest thing and wanting so bad to hear that sound from Hank. But despite anything I tried, there was no giggling. It was almost as if his body physically could not do it.
All of those things were heartbreaking to experience, and as I read that book I couldn't help but think of all the things I could have done better or differently that maybe could have changed some of that. I thought of all the times I layed him down to play by himself, because that's what normal babies are able to do, but how now I know that isn't the best thing for babies who may have attachment disorders. I thought of the times I tired to get him to sleep on his own, becuase that's what normal babies do, where now I know that allowing a child with attachement disorder to be held while sleeping is one of the best things to do for him or her. I thought of the time I put him in the church nursery after having him for three months and we had just moved again. No wonder I was called back because he was screaming uncontroably and no wonder it took the next 30 minutes to calm him down. Sadly those are just a few examples of all the things I saw that I wished I would have done differently.
I sat reading that book and thinking, "I blew it." I so badly wanted to go back and do everything over again. That whole night I was so sad as I rememberd that scared and sick little baby and wondered what I had done to make it all worse. However, as my heart seemed to be breaking all over again I was able to stop and see where Hank is now. Hank is now full of expression. He talks, he plays, he interacts, he loves, he acts goofy, he hugs, he kisses, he shares, he asks, and best of all, he giggles. I hear it throughout the day and every time I hear it I swear its one of the greatest sounds I've ever heard. It never gets old. As I thought of where Hank was then and where he is now, the guilt and saddness that was there just moments before was replaced by a wave of joy and thankfulness and a beautiful picture of redemption. You see, Hank is not that sad and emotionless little baby anymore because despite what life was like for him in the womb and his first few months of life and despite all of my mistakes, God redeems. Justin and I were way in over our heads when we brought the boys home and had no idea what we were doing, but God redeems. God redeems! Do you understand the significance of that in your own life and the situations all around you?!? He takes what is wrong and makes it right. He takes what is broken and makes it whole. He takes what "never should have happened" and makes it a part of His great and perfect plan. Despite my mistakes, despite my lack of knowledge, despite all that was against Hank and his development at that time, God, in His infinite love and mercy, has redeemd it all.
For the past few years I have been trying to get my head around the depths of redepmtion and the Gospel in order to put them into concise definitions, but the more I experience of those two things and the more I go through life, the more I realize how difficult that is to do. Even now as I try to relate God's gift of redemption to this specifc situation I find it difficult to be able to put it into words. But the fact is, is that since Adam and Eve first sinned against God and separated themselves from Him, He has been pursuing us and working out His plan to one day live in a sinless world with us where all will be made right and new. Obviously that day is not yet here, but evidence of God's love and redemption is all around and all that He has done in Hank's life so far is an amazing picture of that and a small glimpse of all that is to come. God's redemption is too amazing for me to truly comprehend, but I feel like I understand it a little more when I hear the sweet precious gigggle of our little boy.
There were different things that I had read that I wished I would have known more about in regards to both the boys, but at that time Hank was the one who really stood out to me. When Hank first came to us he was 6 months old. I had read a few baby books before we brought him home and knew of many things a parent should do to bond with an infant, and we did do many of those things. However, I honestly didn't know what new parents of an infant who has been in foster care since birth and different foster homes should do to help with bonding and attachment.
I think my eyes were first opened to some possible struggles one of the times I was visting Hank at the foster home he was at right before we brought him home. Hank was in an amazing foster home at that time that was so full of love. He was loved on, held, played with, and taken care of when he was sick and up all hours of the night. I have a very vivid memory of sitting in this wonderful family's home where Hank is laying in one part of the room and his current foster mom is in another part of the room. As soon as she begins talking I see Hank look around to find where her voice is coming from. It was obvious how familiar that voice was to him and how important it was to him. More than any other sound, her voice was what he was following and in tune with. Immediately my heart sunk. I realized that in just a few days I would be taking this little baby away from all the sounds, smells, sights, and touches that were familiar to him. The arms that had held him for so many days and nights would all of a sudden be different and he wouldn't know why. I remember that day and those feelings very specifically and wanting to care for him durng that transition, but unfortuantely I didn't really know what to do with all that or how to best help him. I feel more equipped now, but that doesn't really help with things in the past.
The first night home with Hank he screamed. He screamed and he screamed and he screamed. He was a very sick little guy and most likely had a lot of pain associated with that, but I think there was more to it than just being sick. Even after he had been with us for several months he would scream and scream while we tried to help him get to sleep, and once he was asleep he would often thrash around and scream and cry in his sleep. He was very difficult to soothe and would become incredibly scared and agitated at any unexpected movement or sound. He made very little eye contact and never initiated for touch or anything he might want. Even at ten months old he had never reached up to be picked up by me. And worst of all, he never giggled. He would smile at times, but he never giggled. I remember seeing another person's baby giggle hysterically at the smallest thing and wanting so bad to hear that sound from Hank. But despite anything I tried, there was no giggling. It was almost as if his body physically could not do it.
All of those things were heartbreaking to experience, and as I read that book I couldn't help but think of all the things I could have done better or differently that maybe could have changed some of that. I thought of all the times I layed him down to play by himself, because that's what normal babies are able to do, but how now I know that isn't the best thing for babies who may have attachment disorders. I thought of the times I tired to get him to sleep on his own, becuase that's what normal babies do, where now I know that allowing a child with attachement disorder to be held while sleeping is one of the best things to do for him or her. I thought of the time I put him in the church nursery after having him for three months and we had just moved again. No wonder I was called back because he was screaming uncontroably and no wonder it took the next 30 minutes to calm him down. Sadly those are just a few examples of all the things I saw that I wished I would have done differently.
I sat reading that book and thinking, "I blew it." I so badly wanted to go back and do everything over again. That whole night I was so sad as I rememberd that scared and sick little baby and wondered what I had done to make it all worse. However, as my heart seemed to be breaking all over again I was able to stop and see where Hank is now. Hank is now full of expression. He talks, he plays, he interacts, he loves, he acts goofy, he hugs, he kisses, he shares, he asks, and best of all, he giggles. I hear it throughout the day and every time I hear it I swear its one of the greatest sounds I've ever heard. It never gets old. As I thought of where Hank was then and where he is now, the guilt and saddness that was there just moments before was replaced by a wave of joy and thankfulness and a beautiful picture of redemption. You see, Hank is not that sad and emotionless little baby anymore because despite what life was like for him in the womb and his first few months of life and despite all of my mistakes, God redeems. Justin and I were way in over our heads when we brought the boys home and had no idea what we were doing, but God redeems. God redeems! Do you understand the significance of that in your own life and the situations all around you?!? He takes what is wrong and makes it right. He takes what is broken and makes it whole. He takes what "never should have happened" and makes it a part of His great and perfect plan. Despite my mistakes, despite my lack of knowledge, despite all that was against Hank and his development at that time, God, in His infinite love and mercy, has redeemd it all.
For the past few years I have been trying to get my head around the depths of redepmtion and the Gospel in order to put them into concise definitions, but the more I experience of those two things and the more I go through life, the more I realize how difficult that is to do. Even now as I try to relate God's gift of redemption to this specifc situation I find it difficult to be able to put it into words. But the fact is, is that since Adam and Eve first sinned against God and separated themselves from Him, He has been pursuing us and working out His plan to one day live in a sinless world with us where all will be made right and new. Obviously that day is not yet here, but evidence of God's love and redemption is all around and all that He has done in Hank's life so far is an amazing picture of that and a small glimpse of all that is to come. God's redemption is too amazing for me to truly comprehend, but I feel like I understand it a little more when I hear the sweet precious gigggle of our little boy.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Moving
Well, it's hard to believe, but in about 7 days we will be moving and saying goodbye to Washington.
About four years ago we moved here from my beloved California. I dragged my feet into surrendering my California drivers license and was sad to see anything but a California license plate on the back of my car. However, it did not take me long to fall in love with Washington, Seattle, and all the beauty of the surrounding area. I love the mountains here, I love living so close to the water, I love the culture and the weather. We are close to some very dear friends who also moved here from California and have been a huge part of our lives there and here. There are so many things that I absolutely love about living in this area. So why are we moving?
Over the past several months it has been obvious to me and Justin that, despite living in such a wonderful place, our quality of life has not been that great. The main reason for that is Justin's job. He works long weeks with a schedule that is all over the place, that leaves him exhausted and without a lot of extra time. Over the past two years he has had only a few months here and there where he didn't have to work Sundays, and we have greatly missed being able to attend and be involved in church together. With all that there is to do here, we are rarely able to do anything becuase of his schedule. Sometimes two or three days go by where the boys hardly get to see him or spend time with him. Furthermore, Justin and I have also had very little time for each other. I'm not trying to complain, we believe that God provided this position for a time and financially it has been a blessing. However, we saw that something needed to change and the only way for that to change was for Justin to step down from management.
This led to a few other things that would therefore need to change. Stepping down would mean a significant pay cut so we knew we needed to find a place that was a little more affordable. Unfortunately, the places that are more affordable around here and not really the safest and most family friendly of places. So we began to look at a few options of other places to live. There were several factors we were looking for; something affordable, closer to family, a good place to raise kids, an area that would allow us to still experience our love for the outdoors, a good children's hospital (Jack still sees four specialists), and hopefully a place where we already knew people.
Although there were several places we considered in three different states, all these things seemed to be pointing us toward Salem, Oregon. It doesn't put us incredibly close to family, but does put us almost half way between my family in California and Justin's family in Washington. It turns a 12 1/2 hour drive into an 8 1/2 hour drive to see my family, which makes all the difference in the world when traveling with two little boys. Although it checked off many of the things on the list of all we were looking for, I was still having a hard time letting go of where we live now. I wasn't sure if this was me just not wanting to leave for selfish reasons or if maybe we weren't acutally supposed to move. So we asked God to make it obvious. While I was in Pennsylvania, Justin drove to Salem to meet with the store manager of Trader Joes. We were looking for four specific things; for Justin to have Sundays off, to work only mornings so he wouldn't be gone so many nights, to have a certain amount of hours, and to hopefully step down just one position which would allow him to keep our insurance benefits where they are. We knew this was a lot to ask so we figured the manager would be able to work with a few of those and we would then discuss if that was worth us moving. Well, it turns out he was willing and able to grant all of those requests beyond what we were expecting. That was our answer.
Things have sort of been a whirlwind since then. We're excited for the future, but also sad to be leaving. To be honest I still have a hard time with it, and am therefore thankful for the obvious answer and guidance God gave us. What it comes down to is wanting to do what's best for our family. Right now a better paying job or a certain location is not what our family needs. We need time for each other and with each other and we believe this move is a way to make that happen. There are obviously other things we hope for in the future as well. Justin will have more time to eventually study and seek out what areas of ministry God might be calling him back into and I hope to eventually return to teaching. But right now we just need more time together as a family and some rest from all the chaos, stress, and time away from each other over the last two years.
Several years ago, before I married Justin, I was living in a place I liked and was very comfortable in, I was close to family, I had great friends in town, I was involved in a church ministry where I was mentoring a group of girls, and a new guy in town had more than caught my attention and interest. It was at that point I felt for some reason I was supposed to call a previous employer at Hume Lake (a camp I had worked at in the past) and ask about employment. By the time I called, the camp was usually completely staffed so I figured there wouldn't be a position for me. However, the very day I called about a certain position was the same day that someone who was already hired called and said he would no longer be able to take on that position. So in that conversation I was offered a job and had a start date about four weeks away. Hume Lake has always been a place I loved, but for all the reasons I listed earlier I didn't really want to go. The main reason I didn't want to leave was because of Justin and I feared what would happen (or rather not happen) if I moved away. I didn't want to leave and was sad to go, but I knew that God was telling me to do so. It turns out, those six months I spent at Hume Lake was one of the greatest seasons of my life where I for the first time truly began to understand the Gospel and God's love for me. I absolutely loved my time there and experienced some amazing things. I also fell in love with that new guy in town during that time through seldom phone calls and lots of letter writing, which set an amazing foundation for our relationship. I was hesitant to originally move there because of all that I would be giving up, and all I wouldn't be able to "control." But like always, God's plans were far better than mine and He blessed me in so many ways during that time.
This feels like another one of those times. There's a lot here that I want to hang on to and the unknown future is overwhelming to me, but I remember God's faithfulness and provision from the past which gives me peace for the future. I don't know if anyone else is like this at all, but I worry a lot over the unknown and the future (I know, I know, we're not supposed to). However, when I stop worrying about all the things I can't see in the future and instead remember the past and all the times God has been faithful, I am able to rest in what I don't know while trusting that God's faithfulness that has been there in the past will always continue to be there in the future.
So, off we go...
About four years ago we moved here from my beloved California. I dragged my feet into surrendering my California drivers license and was sad to see anything but a California license plate on the back of my car. However, it did not take me long to fall in love with Washington, Seattle, and all the beauty of the surrounding area. I love the mountains here, I love living so close to the water, I love the culture and the weather. We are close to some very dear friends who also moved here from California and have been a huge part of our lives there and here. There are so many things that I absolutely love about living in this area. So why are we moving?
Over the past several months it has been obvious to me and Justin that, despite living in such a wonderful place, our quality of life has not been that great. The main reason for that is Justin's job. He works long weeks with a schedule that is all over the place, that leaves him exhausted and without a lot of extra time. Over the past two years he has had only a few months here and there where he didn't have to work Sundays, and we have greatly missed being able to attend and be involved in church together. With all that there is to do here, we are rarely able to do anything becuase of his schedule. Sometimes two or three days go by where the boys hardly get to see him or spend time with him. Furthermore, Justin and I have also had very little time for each other. I'm not trying to complain, we believe that God provided this position for a time and financially it has been a blessing. However, we saw that something needed to change and the only way for that to change was for Justin to step down from management.
This led to a few other things that would therefore need to change. Stepping down would mean a significant pay cut so we knew we needed to find a place that was a little more affordable. Unfortunately, the places that are more affordable around here and not really the safest and most family friendly of places. So we began to look at a few options of other places to live. There were several factors we were looking for; something affordable, closer to family, a good place to raise kids, an area that would allow us to still experience our love for the outdoors, a good children's hospital (Jack still sees four specialists), and hopefully a place where we already knew people.
Although there were several places we considered in three different states, all these things seemed to be pointing us toward Salem, Oregon. It doesn't put us incredibly close to family, but does put us almost half way between my family in California and Justin's family in Washington. It turns a 12 1/2 hour drive into an 8 1/2 hour drive to see my family, which makes all the difference in the world when traveling with two little boys. Although it checked off many of the things on the list of all we were looking for, I was still having a hard time letting go of where we live now. I wasn't sure if this was me just not wanting to leave for selfish reasons or if maybe we weren't acutally supposed to move. So we asked God to make it obvious. While I was in Pennsylvania, Justin drove to Salem to meet with the store manager of Trader Joes. We were looking for four specific things; for Justin to have Sundays off, to work only mornings so he wouldn't be gone so many nights, to have a certain amount of hours, and to hopefully step down just one position which would allow him to keep our insurance benefits where they are. We knew this was a lot to ask so we figured the manager would be able to work with a few of those and we would then discuss if that was worth us moving. Well, it turns out he was willing and able to grant all of those requests beyond what we were expecting. That was our answer.
Things have sort of been a whirlwind since then. We're excited for the future, but also sad to be leaving. To be honest I still have a hard time with it, and am therefore thankful for the obvious answer and guidance God gave us. What it comes down to is wanting to do what's best for our family. Right now a better paying job or a certain location is not what our family needs. We need time for each other and with each other and we believe this move is a way to make that happen. There are obviously other things we hope for in the future as well. Justin will have more time to eventually study and seek out what areas of ministry God might be calling him back into and I hope to eventually return to teaching. But right now we just need more time together as a family and some rest from all the chaos, stress, and time away from each other over the last two years.
Several years ago, before I married Justin, I was living in a place I liked and was very comfortable in, I was close to family, I had great friends in town, I was involved in a church ministry where I was mentoring a group of girls, and a new guy in town had more than caught my attention and interest. It was at that point I felt for some reason I was supposed to call a previous employer at Hume Lake (a camp I had worked at in the past) and ask about employment. By the time I called, the camp was usually completely staffed so I figured there wouldn't be a position for me. However, the very day I called about a certain position was the same day that someone who was already hired called and said he would no longer be able to take on that position. So in that conversation I was offered a job and had a start date about four weeks away. Hume Lake has always been a place I loved, but for all the reasons I listed earlier I didn't really want to go. The main reason I didn't want to leave was because of Justin and I feared what would happen (or rather not happen) if I moved away. I didn't want to leave and was sad to go, but I knew that God was telling me to do so. It turns out, those six months I spent at Hume Lake was one of the greatest seasons of my life where I for the first time truly began to understand the Gospel and God's love for me. I absolutely loved my time there and experienced some amazing things. I also fell in love with that new guy in town during that time through seldom phone calls and lots of letter writing, which set an amazing foundation for our relationship. I was hesitant to originally move there because of all that I would be giving up, and all I wouldn't be able to "control." But like always, God's plans were far better than mine and He blessed me in so many ways during that time.
This feels like another one of those times. There's a lot here that I want to hang on to and the unknown future is overwhelming to me, but I remember God's faithfulness and provision from the past which gives me peace for the future. I don't know if anyone else is like this at all, but I worry a lot over the unknown and the future (I know, I know, we're not supposed to). However, when I stop worrying about all the things I can't see in the future and instead remember the past and all the times God has been faithful, I am able to rest in what I don't know while trusting that God's faithfulness that has been there in the past will always continue to be there in the future.
So, off we go...
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Rejoicing and Mourning
Throughout the past several years there have been many times that Justin and I have learned and struggled through what it truly means to live out the verse in Romans 12 instructing us to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.
I think for many people it is easy to look at the things others have and think that we somehow deserve those things more. First of all, this is in no way true. God’s grace can’t be earned and neither can the gifts and blessings He chooses to give. I don’t deserve better health over another person who eats very unhealthy. You don’t deserve more money than your neighbor because you keep better track of it. And the married well off woman doesn’t deserve a baby more than the poor jobless single girl. I’m not saying we aren’t supposed to work for things and take responsibility or that there isn’t a right way to do things, but that none of us have done anything to deserve any of the good things God has blessed us with. However, despite us deserving absolutely nothing from Him, God still decides to pursue us and lovingly bestow wonderful things upon us. These gifts look different in all of our lives. Sometimes we see things in other people’s lives that we had hoped for and prayed for for along time. But, when we truly believe that we are all one body we can be just as joyful for another person receiving the very blessing that we had been hoping for.
The fact is, is that someone ELSE getting pregnant had nothing to do with an absence of God’s love in MY life. Rather, it had to do with an amazing act of grace in another person’s life, and anytime we see God’s love and grace poured out on to anyone for any reason should be a cause for us to rejoice with that person. This helped shift my thinking and attitude in many ways. I earnestly prayed for those who I knew were hoping to start a family and I prayed that God would give them that desire of their hearts. I cheered and celebrated when I was given news of a new life that had been created. Rather than having jealousy for the young pregnant high school student, I saw her with respect for trying to do what she believed was right and prayed that God would take care of her and her child’s future. I’m not at all saying that it was not difficult, because it actually was the most difficult time Justin and I went through. But when I didn’t let that struggle take away from God’s love for me and remembered that all He was doing had a reason, I was able to be truly be happy for others while searching out God’s plan for that area of my life.
Now on to the “mourn with those who mourn” part. To put it bluntly, if you haven’t been through something, don’t tell another person how he or she should get through that time. To be honest, our situation was sometimes made even more painful by the things people would say to us. I was told to gain weight, lose weight, pray more, believe more, wait more, have a better job, have a better plan, etc., and then I would finally have a baby. It often felt as if other people were trying to interpret what God was doing in my life through their own lenses. I imagine many others have felt this as well through different struggles they have gone through. People have often asked me, “What’s the best piece of advice you could have been given during that time?” After thinking about that for a long time my answer to that is – nothing. I’m not saying I wasn’t willing to listen to anyone, but more often than not people’s “helpful” advice only left me feeling like I was doing something wrong and left me feeling more alone in that struggle than I already did. I think the best thing people could have said was simply “I’m sorry and will be praying for you,” and offered to listen more than talk. I believe this is something to keep in mind with anyone who is going through a loss or difficult time. I can’t think of any good advice I could possibly give someone who just lost a loved one, but I could offer my prayers and presence if wanted. There’s a verse in the book of Job that I find very interesting. Before Job’s friends offer all their thoughts and advice as to why Job is experiencing all he is and what he needs to do to fix it, they do something else. Verse 2:13 says, “Then they sat down on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights with no one speaking a word to him, for they saw that his pain was very great.” Whenever I think of that verse I wonder how much less difficult Job’s trials could have been if his friends would have continued on that way. I’m not saying that there aren’t any good thoughts or advice to be shared with someone who is struggling with something, I’m sure there is, especially if you have gone through something similar before. But, I do believe that sometimes one of the best things we can do for someone who is weeping is to weep with that person, and not much more.
Romans 12 is mainly about the body of Christ and how that affects us all. When we truly see that we are one body and that we are all blessed and loved by our Creator, it should instill something within us that makes it so we can’t help but rejoice when we see good things given to others and causes us to weep when we see the pain of others.
I think for many people it is easy to look at the things others have and think that we somehow deserve those things more. First of all, this is in no way true. God’s grace can’t be earned and neither can the gifts and blessings He chooses to give. I don’t deserve better health over another person who eats very unhealthy. You don’t deserve more money than your neighbor because you keep better track of it. And the married well off woman doesn’t deserve a baby more than the poor jobless single girl. I’m not saying we aren’t supposed to work for things and take responsibility or that there isn’t a right way to do things, but that none of us have done anything to deserve any of the good things God has blessed us with. However, despite us deserving absolutely nothing from Him, God still decides to pursue us and lovingly bestow wonderful things upon us. These gifts look different in all of our lives. Sometimes we see things in other people’s lives that we had hoped for and prayed for for along time. But, when we truly believe that we are all one body we can be just as joyful for another person receiving the very blessing that we had been hoping for.
The fact is, is that someone ELSE getting pregnant had nothing to do with an absence of God’s love in MY life. Rather, it had to do with an amazing act of grace in another person’s life, and anytime we see God’s love and grace poured out on to anyone for any reason should be a cause for us to rejoice with that person. This helped shift my thinking and attitude in many ways. I earnestly prayed for those who I knew were hoping to start a family and I prayed that God would give them that desire of their hearts. I cheered and celebrated when I was given news of a new life that had been created. Rather than having jealousy for the young pregnant high school student, I saw her with respect for trying to do what she believed was right and prayed that God would take care of her and her child’s future. I’m not at all saying that it was not difficult, because it actually was the most difficult time Justin and I went through. But when I didn’t let that struggle take away from God’s love for me and remembered that all He was doing had a reason, I was able to be truly be happy for others while searching out God’s plan for that area of my life.
Now on to the “mourn with those who mourn” part. To put it bluntly, if you haven’t been through something, don’t tell another person how he or she should get through that time. To be honest, our situation was sometimes made even more painful by the things people would say to us. I was told to gain weight, lose weight, pray more, believe more, wait more, have a better job, have a better plan, etc., and then I would finally have a baby. It often felt as if other people were trying to interpret what God was doing in my life through their own lenses. I imagine many others have felt this as well through different struggles they have gone through. People have often asked me, “What’s the best piece of advice you could have been given during that time?” After thinking about that for a long time my answer to that is – nothing. I’m not saying I wasn’t willing to listen to anyone, but more often than not people’s “helpful” advice only left me feeling like I was doing something wrong and left me feeling more alone in that struggle than I already did. I think the best thing people could have said was simply “I’m sorry and will be praying for you,” and offered to listen more than talk. I believe this is something to keep in mind with anyone who is going through a loss or difficult time. I can’t think of any good advice I could possibly give someone who just lost a loved one, but I could offer my prayers and presence if wanted. There’s a verse in the book of Job that I find very interesting. Before Job’s friends offer all their thoughts and advice as to why Job is experiencing all he is and what he needs to do to fix it, they do something else. Verse 2:13 says, “Then they sat down on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights with no one speaking a word to him, for they saw that his pain was very great.” Whenever I think of that verse I wonder how much less difficult Job’s trials could have been if his friends would have continued on that way. I’m not saying that there aren’t any good thoughts or advice to be shared with someone who is struggling with something, I’m sure there is, especially if you have gone through something similar before. But, I do believe that sometimes one of the best things we can do for someone who is weeping is to weep with that person, and not much more.
Romans 12 is mainly about the body of Christ and how that affects us all. When we truly see that we are one body and that we are all blessed and loved by our Creator, it should instill something within us that makes it so we can’t help but rejoice when we see good things given to others and causes us to weep when we see the pain of others.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
A Bit Overdue
I can't believe that it has taken me this long to write something. There are many reasons as to why that is, but I won't bore everyone with all that. Since it had been so long I had just thought of dropping the whole blog thing all together, but there still are several things I want to share about what Justin and I have learned and experienced over the last several years and still are continuing to learn and experience. I believe God has us go through certain things for a reason and I pray that sharing more of our story and experiences will be used to serve and bless others. So hopefully there will be more to come soon.
As many know by now, we officially adopted Jack and Hank on December 30, 2011. It was a wonderful day that we were able to share with some family and friends and that many others rejoiced in with us although they were not able to be there. Not much really changed that day except for their names. They were officially Jack Louis Morris and Hank Richard Morris. The names Jack and Hank both have the same meaning of "God is gracious," which seemed to be fitting for several reasons. Louis is Justin's dad's name and Richard is my dad's name; both who are Godly men who we pray our sons will grow to be like. And then the last name "Morris." A name I was given when I married a strong, Godly, caring, honest, and loving man, and a name we were able to give two boys who I pray will grow to be like their daddy and love God with all their hearts. So I guess maybe a lot did change that day. :)
What we experienced so fully though is what is actually evident in all of our lives every day. That as the song puts it, God makes beautiful things out of the dust and out of us, and that He's always making us new.
Friday, October 7, 2011
How Things Are Going
It's amazing how every day is so different. One day I'll think I'm finally getting it together and everything will be running smoothly and the next day I'll feel like I'm on my way to going crazy because things are so overwhelming. Thankfully though, the better days are starting to outweigh the more difficult ones.
Both boys are enrolled in a program called Birth to Three where they are receiving interventions and therapies for the different areas they are delayed in. It's a wonderful program and we are learning so much through it. Jack has physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, and a structured developmental play group that he attends twice a week. Sometimes I think the information we receive is more helpful to us than to Jack. For example, we're learning all sorts of things to do to help him with his fine motor skills. Play-Do is a great tool to help him with the lack of muscle tone in his hands, so despite my dislike for Play-Do because of its horrible mess, we've gotten him Play-Do.:) Jack's progress is slow, but he is progressing and we're all learning a lot.
Hank has physical therapy and a teacher who works with him on his expressive communication and social interaction. She was assigned to work with him because of how withdrawn he was and because of how little he smiled, laughed, or played. He is doing phenomenal in those ares now and has almost met all of his goals. He used to just solemnly stare at me when I would try to play Peek a Boo with him or interact with him another way, but now he is much more engaged and is always smiling. The other day he was holding his pointer finger out and I touched it with my finger and made a "bzzz" sound. He actually laughed and then kept reaching out to touch my finger so I would do it again. I know that sounds like nothing spectacular, but that was the first time I felt he was actually playing with me and I was ecstatic.
We all long for the day when, God willing, Justin will have a somewhat normal schedule. The past few weeks he has been gone from about 12:30pm-11:30pm three days a week followed by a shift where he's gone from about 8am or 9am to 6pm or 7pm. Those four days are very long days for us all. He still does so much for the boys when he's able to. He gets up with them, plays with them, takes them to their appointments, and whatever else he can to spend time with them and help me.
Among the biggest news is that we were recently told that the boys could most likely be adopted within two months. This was much faster than we were expecting and obviously very exciting. Since we first had them we've seen them as our sons, but to several others they're still our "foster kids" and it will be so nice when that is no longer an issue.
Justin and I were talking awhile ago about how we went from the hardest thing we ever dealt with to the hardest thing we ever dealt with. Meaning, not having kids to having kids. Infertility was an incredibly devastating process (I might write more about it another time) and very difficult to deal with. Then we got two kids and that process has now been the most difficult thing we've gone through. It's funny how God works, but His grace, peace, presence, and help has been there all along and once again His faithfulness is proving true every day. There were several nights where I felt like I needed to remind God that He wasn't supposed to give me more than I could handle (although the Bible never actually says ever that), but He is showing me, and maybe for the first time I'm seeing, what it truly means to be able to do all things through Him alone who gives me strength. It's sometimes very difficult, but also very cool, how God uses situations to bring the Bible and His Gospel to life. God has not only shown His love to us by giving us these two little boys, but more so in all the ways He is there to help us love, care and provide for them.
Both boys are enrolled in a program called Birth to Three where they are receiving interventions and therapies for the different areas they are delayed in. It's a wonderful program and we are learning so much through it. Jack has physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, and a structured developmental play group that he attends twice a week. Sometimes I think the information we receive is more helpful to us than to Jack. For example, we're learning all sorts of things to do to help him with his fine motor skills. Play-Do is a great tool to help him with the lack of muscle tone in his hands, so despite my dislike for Play-Do because of its horrible mess, we've gotten him Play-Do.:) Jack's progress is slow, but he is progressing and we're all learning a lot.
Hank has physical therapy and a teacher who works with him on his expressive communication and social interaction. She was assigned to work with him because of how withdrawn he was and because of how little he smiled, laughed, or played. He is doing phenomenal in those ares now and has almost met all of his goals. He used to just solemnly stare at me when I would try to play Peek a Boo with him or interact with him another way, but now he is much more engaged and is always smiling. The other day he was holding his pointer finger out and I touched it with my finger and made a "bzzz" sound. He actually laughed and then kept reaching out to touch my finger so I would do it again. I know that sounds like nothing spectacular, but that was the first time I felt he was actually playing with me and I was ecstatic.
We all long for the day when, God willing, Justin will have a somewhat normal schedule. The past few weeks he has been gone from about 12:30pm-11:30pm three days a week followed by a shift where he's gone from about 8am or 9am to 6pm or 7pm. Those four days are very long days for us all. He still does so much for the boys when he's able to. He gets up with them, plays with them, takes them to their appointments, and whatever else he can to spend time with them and help me.
Among the biggest news is that we were recently told that the boys could most likely be adopted within two months. This was much faster than we were expecting and obviously very exciting. Since we first had them we've seen them as our sons, but to several others they're still our "foster kids" and it will be so nice when that is no longer an issue.
Justin and I were talking awhile ago about how we went from the hardest thing we ever dealt with to the hardest thing we ever dealt with. Meaning, not having kids to having kids. Infertility was an incredibly devastating process (I might write more about it another time) and very difficult to deal with. Then we got two kids and that process has now been the most difficult thing we've gone through. It's funny how God works, but His grace, peace, presence, and help has been there all along and once again His faithfulness is proving true every day. There were several nights where I felt like I needed to remind God that He wasn't supposed to give me more than I could handle (although the Bible never actually says ever that), but He is showing me, and maybe for the first time I'm seeing, what it truly means to be able to do all things through Him alone who gives me strength. It's sometimes very difficult, but also very cool, how God uses situations to bring the Bible and His Gospel to life. God has not only shown His love to us by giving us these two little boys, but more so in all the ways He is there to help us love, care and provide for them.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Jack, Jesus, and Me
Jack is an adorable little boy. He is very cute, he is funny, and he is full of so many different expressions. He is also very testy and at times very frustrating to say the least.
Jack came to us as a 1 1/2 year old. Although this is very young, he was still old enough to have a broken past where he had picked up a lot of bad habits and difficult behaviors. There are times when he can be the sweetest little boy and then times when he throws an all out screeching fit in the middle of the grocery store. There are times when he follows directions right away, and then times when he just stares at me and ignores the simplest request. I know most of you parents out there are thinking, "yeah, my kid did that too when he/she was two." However, the difficult thing with Jack is that when he came to us he did not have the desire (or maybe the capability) to bond with us. He did not want to be held for any length of time, he did not want to be rocked (unless it was an excuse to get out of his crib), and he tested a majority of what we did or asked. This made for a difficult beginning. Then add the fact that Justin and I were brand new parents not having any idea what we were doing or what we should be expecting.
We knew that kids would be difficult and that kids don't always do what they're supposed to do- after all, they're just kids. But, we couldn't have anticipated the feelings that would rise within us when a child who had moved in a few short weeks ago was chucking food back at us that we had just placed in front of him or was purposely knocking something over that we just asked him not to touch.
We loved him and knew God had brought him to us, but there were times when it was difficult to "like" him. Finally one day God opened my eyes to something. We were having a good day together. Jack was behaving, wasn't throwing any fits, we were having a fun time playing together, and I was enjoying being around him. I was "liking" him. Then something happened and he went nuts and threw a fit. And just like that my feelings towards him changed. I feel horrible for saying that, but I'm wanting to be honest during this whole process and it helps to make the point.
I remember the exact thought that went through my head was, "when he is good it is so easy to love him, but when he acts this way it is so difficult." That's immediately when another thought entered my mind. I am the exact same way with Jesus, yet His love is always unconditional. This showed me two things; the problem isn't Jack - it's me, and also how amazingly loving of a God I have.
Jack is an almost 2 year old little boy who has been in foster care his whole life and has gone from home to home and person to person. I can't imagine or ever know the thoughts, confusion, or fears that go through his head. He has obvious reason to be testy and to have unpredictable behavior. While we do need to raise him with guidance and discipline, we also need to offer grace. My frustrations with Jack aren't all his fault, they are also there because I am selfish and a sinner. I desperately need Jesus to be my example and Savior. I need Him to chip away at my sin and replace it with more of Himself. I need His help in every step of being a parent and in no way can do it on my own.
While I was getting angry over the behavior of a 2 year old and feeling as though I had been wronged by his disobedience (I know, ridiculous, right?) I thought of how my behavior and disobedience looks before a holy and sinless God. While Jack would purposely do what I just asked him not to do, I thought of all the times I have purposely done or not done what I knew God was instructing otherwise. While I was not understanding how Jack would be acting a certain way when we were just trying to give him a loving home, I thought of all the ways I acted towards my God who gave His life plus so much more for me.
Then, I thought of His love. How exceedingly and abundantly loving of a God do I have who loves so unconditionally. The fact that a child's disobedience could affect my feelings so much, but that my sin in no way changes Jesus's love for me showed me how little I can possibly comprehend His love. Jesus loves me, not because I first loved Him or even because I rightly love Him, but because He loves me. He laid aside His glory, laid down His life, and sacrificed so much more than I can ever understand-- all out of unconditional love. He did not give it or pursue me based off of what I could give him or my behavior towards him. I know I cannot be like Jesus (He's God, I'm a sinner) but I can pray that His love would grow in me and continue to change me. I pray that He would continue to make me so aware of His love that I can't help but love others the way He desires me to. I pray that His love would transform me into being the parent He wants me to be and the be the parent that Jack and Hank deserve. I pray that I would continue to live in awe when I think of God's unmeasurable love and that one day our boys would do the same.
Jack came to us as a 1 1/2 year old. Although this is very young, he was still old enough to have a broken past where he had picked up a lot of bad habits and difficult behaviors. There are times when he can be the sweetest little boy and then times when he throws an all out screeching fit in the middle of the grocery store. There are times when he follows directions right away, and then times when he just stares at me and ignores the simplest request. I know most of you parents out there are thinking, "yeah, my kid did that too when he/she was two." However, the difficult thing with Jack is that when he came to us he did not have the desire (or maybe the capability) to bond with us. He did not want to be held for any length of time, he did not want to be rocked (unless it was an excuse to get out of his crib), and he tested a majority of what we did or asked. This made for a difficult beginning. Then add the fact that Justin and I were brand new parents not having any idea what we were doing or what we should be expecting.
We knew that kids would be difficult and that kids don't always do what they're supposed to do- after all, they're just kids. But, we couldn't have anticipated the feelings that would rise within us when a child who had moved in a few short weeks ago was chucking food back at us that we had just placed in front of him or was purposely knocking something over that we just asked him not to touch.
We loved him and knew God had brought him to us, but there were times when it was difficult to "like" him. Finally one day God opened my eyes to something. We were having a good day together. Jack was behaving, wasn't throwing any fits, we were having a fun time playing together, and I was enjoying being around him. I was "liking" him. Then something happened and he went nuts and threw a fit. And just like that my feelings towards him changed. I feel horrible for saying that, but I'm wanting to be honest during this whole process and it helps to make the point.
I remember the exact thought that went through my head was, "when he is good it is so easy to love him, but when he acts this way it is so difficult." That's immediately when another thought entered my mind. I am the exact same way with Jesus, yet His love is always unconditional. This showed me two things; the problem isn't Jack - it's me, and also how amazingly loving of a God I have.
Jack is an almost 2 year old little boy who has been in foster care his whole life and has gone from home to home and person to person. I can't imagine or ever know the thoughts, confusion, or fears that go through his head. He has obvious reason to be testy and to have unpredictable behavior. While we do need to raise him with guidance and discipline, we also need to offer grace. My frustrations with Jack aren't all his fault, they are also there because I am selfish and a sinner. I desperately need Jesus to be my example and Savior. I need Him to chip away at my sin and replace it with more of Himself. I need His help in every step of being a parent and in no way can do it on my own.
While I was getting angry over the behavior of a 2 year old and feeling as though I had been wronged by his disobedience (I know, ridiculous, right?) I thought of how my behavior and disobedience looks before a holy and sinless God. While Jack would purposely do what I just asked him not to do, I thought of all the times I have purposely done or not done what I knew God was instructing otherwise. While I was not understanding how Jack would be acting a certain way when we were just trying to give him a loving home, I thought of all the ways I acted towards my God who gave His life plus so much more for me.
Then, I thought of His love. How exceedingly and abundantly loving of a God do I have who loves so unconditionally. The fact that a child's disobedience could affect my feelings so much, but that my sin in no way changes Jesus's love for me showed me how little I can possibly comprehend His love. Jesus loves me, not because I first loved Him or even because I rightly love Him, but because He loves me. He laid aside His glory, laid down His life, and sacrificed so much more than I can ever understand-- all out of unconditional love. He did not give it or pursue me based off of what I could give him or my behavior towards him. I know I cannot be like Jesus (He's God, I'm a sinner) but I can pray that His love would grow in me and continue to change me. I pray that He would continue to make me so aware of His love that I can't help but love others the way He desires me to. I pray that His love would transform me into being the parent He wants me to be and the be the parent that Jack and Hank deserve. I pray that I would continue to live in awe when I think of God's unmeasurable love and that one day our boys would do the same.
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